


It was Different

by lonelyph



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Daichi's one of his students, Fluff, Intense Pasts, Lemon, M/M, Pining, Really Cute Moments, Sugawara is a teacher, at Karasuno, but no Sugamama cheering for his babies on the sidelines, every other canon thing is happening in the background, pretty far but not full out smut, somewhat angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-08-12 07:26:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 50,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7925878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelyph/pseuds/lonelyph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So Sawamura... why did you introduce yourself to me exactly?"<br/>"You're a new face, and a cute one at that, I thought I'd introduce myself."<br/>"Because I'm new? Or because I'm cute?"<br/>But...<br/>Sugawara was about to become a teacher at Karasuno High in a week.<br/>Sawamura was about to become a third year.<br/>So...<br/>What happens when you're in love with one of your students?<br/>What happens when you're in love with one of your teachers?<br/>(credit of all characters/setting/timeline goes to Haruichi Furudate, only the plot and character backstories are mine)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_So chalk it up to chemistry_  
_There's some magic between you and me_  
_Some might call it destiny_  
_But you and I, we cracked the code_

_-Secret; Sam Tsui_

It was different, and different wasn't new to him. Different was normal, but this time, this time it was a new different. This time, different was something he chose, different was a beginning for him, a new one. A new beginning, to meet new people, better people, to be someone he'd always wanted to be, and he was happy with that.

That's why Sugawara had a smile on his face, and for once, it felt normal.

His legs were tired, it was a chilly day and he decided to walk the distance to a popular book store/coffee shop rather than drive. He finally made his way to the glass door, and pushed it open, making his way to the back of a very long line. It was chilly of course, and it was nearing 6, it was definitely cold out, and people were in need of a warm drink.

After a short wait, he was standing at the front of the line, waiting for the barista to come back around. And when he did –

_Oh my god he's really attractive I've only been here for 2 weeks why_

"Hey there, you still with me?" He asks, a laugh on the edge of his tongue as he waves his hand in front of Sugawara.

"Oh- yea sorry," He replies, sheepishly.

"Don't worry about it, I'm Sawamura, nice to meet you, so what'll it be today~" He starts, stretching out the 'y' beckoning for a name.

"Sugawara, nice to meet you too, just a latte please."

"Coming right up Sugawara-san." He says firmly, turning away to make the drink. It only takes him a couple of seconds before he returns. He slides the cup over the counter, noting the warmth when Sugawara's fingers brush over his as he takes the drink. [already like calm down there me]

"So uh, why did you introduce yourself to me exactly?" Sugawara asks politely, handing over the money.

"Because your new."

Sugawara tilts his head in confusion. "Cause I'm what?"

A small chuckle escapes Daichi's lips as he responds. "I know all my customers, and my customers know me, you're a new face, and a cute one at that, I thought I'd introduce myself." He finishes with a kind smile.

Sugawara can only smirk. "So you thought you'd introduce yourself because I'm new? Or because I'm cute?"

Daichi leans forward with his arms on the counter, a smirk growing on him as well. "Hmm, would you take a little bit of both?"

Sugawara leans forward too, their faces mere inches apart now. "Nice try Sawamura, but I'll consider it, if I get to come back here tomorrow, find you behind the counter, and tell you how incredibly hot you are." He says condescendingly, leaning even closer, looking Daichi dead [deadchi -cries-] in the eyes.

Daichi lowers his voice, the sound making Sugawara shiver. "I get off at six, come then, and I'll have time to talk after." He says, his tone sounding almost sexy in Sugawara's mind. It doesn't show though; he keeps his ground in the matter.

"Good choice." He whispers back, swiftly turning away, he hears a sigh come from the barista behind him, and can't help the smile on his face.

But the moment he steps out of the store, his cheeks are burning.

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit why did I do that I never do that I never hit on people, admittedly he went first but what the hell?!_

It was definitely out of character, normally, he would never dare engage in anything remotely sounding a relationship after what he'd been through. But he was excited about it too, he had a week before he started working, so why not have a bit of fun?

\---------------

It was around 5 in the afternoon when Daichi was met with a head of silver hair across the counter.

"Well would you look at that, the cute ones' here." He starts off, with a smile.

"Aw, what's this? Forget my name already?" Sugawara replies, faking hurt.

Daichi laughs in response. "No Sugawara, what'll it be today?"

"Just some tea, orange, and, to stay please." He answers.

Daichi returns with the mug, steam coming off the top, and accepts the money. "So why are you an hour early?"

"Well I did say I wanted my tea to stay, I brought some work along," He says, lifting up his book bag. "I can keep myself company 'till your off." He leaves Daichi with a sweet smile before finding a seat on a sofa near the back. It was secluded by bookshelves, and quiet, perfect for work, and a talk afterwards.

An hour had passed, his mug was now empty, and there were sheets splayed somewhat carelessly all over the sofa. He was holding a pen in his mouth, biting on it sideways, and his eyebrows were furrowed in thought, so when Daichi tapped on his shoulder, he practically fell off his seat.

"My god don't sneak up on me like that!" He yells, picking up the book he was reading, all while Daichi stood and laughed at him.

"I didn't!" He claims, still laughing. "You were just so busy you freaked when I tapped you!"

Sugawara's cheeks flare up a bit in embarrassment while he gathers his papers to make room for Daichi. "I hate jumps cares ok, now don't talk about it." He mumbles.

"Don't talk about it? Nah, you just gave me a weapon." He teases. Sugawara scowls at him in response.

"Okay okay, what were you doing anyway?" He asks. Noticing the binders and books, curiosity of the male in front of him sets in his eyes.

"I start my first teaching job in a week, I was just going over some lesson plans, thinking of how the first day would go, reviewing some things, you know, the usual." He lists off.

"Teaching? Are you serious?" Daichi asks. To him, Sugawara looked much too young to be a teacher, more like college. "But you look so young, shouldn't you be in college or something?"

Sugawara just smiles at him, having gotten the question many times. "I'm 23, and yea I probably should be in college, but I was a uh, smart kid, in the simplest of terms," He explains, playing with his fingers, a habit he never broke.

"23 is really young for a teacher, you think you'll be a good one?" Daichi asks.

Sugawara scoffs now, all nervousness gone. "You bet your ass I'll be a good one, I didn't bust my way through school for nothing, you know."

"Oh don't play high and mighty just yet, you better live up to what you're saying you know." Daichi teases back, nudging him with his shoulder.

"Hmm... what about you Sawamura, got any special things I should know about?" He asks, turning to face Daichi now.

"Nothing, I'm just a regular boring student, like you were a couple years ago."

"Excuse you," He whines. "is that any way to treat a customer?"

Daichi scrunched his eyebrows, pretending to think, "Hmm I guess not, but my friends need to get used to it."

"K good, your friend is genuinely curious here, there's gotta be something you do."

"Guess." Daichi challenges, turning his body to look at Sugawara better.

"A sport." Sugawara says almost immediately after.

Daichi's eyes widen a bit. "How did you...?" Sugawara let's his head drop from Daichi's complete stupidity.

"Your body idiot, you have the body of an athlete, now what sport do you play?" He smiles brightly, enjoying himself. Daichi however, was having trouble answering because Sugawara noticed his body, and he was too busy staring at Sugawara's pretty face, and how cute he looked when his cheeks puffed from a large smile, or the way his eyes were bright with curiosity and amusement.

Bottom line? He was too distracted by something good he can't say out loud and it was embarrassing.

Great.

"I'm captain of my volleyball team, satisfied?"

"..."

"Sugawara? You good?" His eyes were wide and he was leaning dangerously close and he looked really adorable. Daichi's heart was doing a few too many flips.

"You're captain? That's so cool! You' re amazing! I used to play too except I was vice captain. I was official setter though, for a little while!" A number of random things were thrown at Daichi, and he was laughing at the almost childish giddiness coming off Sugawara.

He peeled off the hands that were grasping at his sweater and held them in his own. "Calm down there, you're like a cat with-."

"I have a cat!" Sugawara interrupts, leaning into Daichi again. "Wait, no my cat is a trouble child don't compare me to her." He looks down a bit shaking his head, processing if he had any similarities to a cat.

It's silent for a second. Then Daichi erupts with laughter. He leans his head down on Sugawara's shoulder, his laughs getting muffled. Sugawara looks up in confusion, only to see Daichi's shoulders quaking as he laughs.

Finally, when he's caught himself, he pulls away, sitting up again. There's water sitting on the corners of his eyes, and Sugawara stares straight into Daichi's teary eyes [unintentionally].

"What's so funny about me having a cat? Plus, it's not my fault she's one of the evil ones." He complains, annoyed that it seemed so funny.

Daichi wiped at the corners of his eyes and smiles for reassurance. "It's not the cat, it's you Suga."

The way Daichi uses his nickname...

_No one's called me Suga in such a long time, and out of nowhere he starts using it... it sounds really nice when he says it_

His voice is quiet when he next speaks. His heart is racing too much thanks to whatever answer he's about to get. "What about me?"

"I may hang around a fun, loud, and very crazy team way too often as it is, but you're a whole lot of imperfect perfection, I haven't been around someone like you in a long time... it's refreshing, and I like it. A lot."

The smile he has on next is toxic for Sugawara. He is mesmerized by it, by the kind words Daichi said to him. No one has said words like that to him in longer than he can remember. And the kindness, the joy, the fun he's having with Daichi, the way that he's been completely himself and he wasn't judged or yelled at. It made his heart flutter. He couldn't care less that it had been an hour since he properly met this wonderful person. He liked feeling this way around another. Then he realized he was speechless.

"I uh- you- um- thank you for... the um... well you see, it's been a while since..." as Sugawara stumbled to find words, he realized his hands were still held captive by Daichi's, making him even more flushed. Daichi caught on and saved Sugawara from himself.

"No need for thanks, that can wait. Right now though, how 'bout you tell me more about this evil cat of yours." He offered, lightly pulling his hands away and resting them on his lap.

Sugawara's face breaks into a mixture of relief, joy, and take-a-breath-I-have-a-lot-to-say-right-now.

"Oh she is pure evil in a fluffy package, she's probably at home breaking something..."

By the time 9 rolled around, it was only these two in the shop. They spent the past hours laughing and talking about random things, finding common ground, telling stories, and whatever came to mind. They were caught in their own world as the chatter around them died down when customer after customer left.

Now, they were standing outside the locked door of the shop, courtesy of Daichi, having keys. It was dark and cold, Sugawara's cheeks and nose were already reddening from the chill, or maybe it was Daichi...

"I'll see you tomorrow then? Same time?" He asked hopefully.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." Daichi replied, his lips curved upward in a small smile. This time, Sugawara could feel his cheeks get warmer.

_Yup, definitely Daichi_

Then, with a turn, he spoke the last words of the night with a smile. "See you then!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! So here's the first chapter. I have some of this story already written in advance so updates will be pretty quick for now. All you hungry yaoi lovers love quick updates, I know, I'm one of them don't lie to me.
> 
> I'll be putting excerpts from different songs I like at the top, they'll probably match the theme of the chapter and help set the mood, you can listen to them if you like, or you can fuck it and just read I don't know it's just there.
> 
> You might notice little notes in square brackets here and there, my friend edits and reads these before I post them so I write those randomly to make us laugh but I'm too lazy to go through and find them and they're everywhere so laugh at them hate them enjoy them burn them with fire I don't know they ain't goin' anywhere sorry.
> 
> Hope you bitches enjoyed so far! (if you're butthurt that I called you a bitch without having any information whatsoever about who you are then you can get out cause I call literally everyone a bitch........except for Sugamama)  
> -Sam


	2. Chapter 2

_Take it slow but it's not typical_  
_He already knows that my love is fire_  
_His heart was a stone, but then his hands roam_  
_I turned him to gold and I took him higher_  
_But I'll be your daydream, I'll wear your favorite things_  
_We could be beautiful, get drunk on the good life_  
_I'll take you to paradise_  
_Say you'll never let me go_

_-Roses; The Chainsmokers [try the KHS cover]_

Over the next 7 days, the two of them met after Daichi's shift ended, sat in that same couch in that nice corner, and talked for hours. They got more comfortable around each other. They both knew a lot of random facts about the other. They had told stories, found things they both liked and differences as well.

Today, Friday, was Daichi's last day of work. It was a bit quieter between them, not that they were sad or upset, they had exchanged numbers to keep in touch.

It was easy to tell how much closer they'd gotten, both physically and socially, but obviously, the physically part went unknown to both. Sugawara had his feet kicked up on the couch, and had them resting over Daichi's lap, they were sitting so close that Sugawara was almost in his lap.

"That can't be true." Daichi retorts.

"Of course it's true, I'm serious it happened!"

"Ok so, when you got home, you tripped over Shadow, splattered the cupcakes, and then she scratched you 'cause you woke her up?"

"Scratched me?! Hah! I wish! She was downright savage; I have a scar on my neck." Sugawara claims, a hand automatically going to his neck. "And then guess what? I tried to cook dinner, and my oven turned into Lucifer. Food? Gone, burned to a crisp, it didn't deserve its end, my food deserved better. My building should be glad I didn't burn down their house." He finishes, mumbling.

Instead of consolation, he gets a long laugh out of Daichi.

"Oi! Don't laugh, freakin' rude..."

"How can I not? I mean who has such bad luck on their birthday?" He defends, trying to catch his breath.

"I do!"

"Well maybe you shouldn't have gotten a black cat for the birthday before that." He mocked. Sugawara responded with an annoyed expression and a slap at Daichi's shoulder. Unknown to him, that slap was so hard Daichi was sure he coughed up a part of his soul.

"Shut up..." Sugawara mumbled lamely. "I still love her, she's the damn devil but she has her moments... And she's not all black, more dark gray with black stripes."

"Okay." Daichi says with a light laugh [and consoling his poor shoulder].

8 o'clock rolled around, and a comfortable silence had settled. A decent number of customers were still minding their business, Daichi and Sugawara were still on the couch together.

"Hey," Sugawara starts, catching Daichi's attention. "play this game with me." He demands, placing the end of a Pocky in his mouth. [oya oya]

_Noo no no no what am I doing why am I asking him to kiss me, well... I want to kiss him, but I can't just- not like this!_

"What? No, don't be stupid." He looks away immediately after. Unknown to Sugawara, it was because a slight blush had risen to his cheeks.

Despite knowing he shouldn't say anymore, Daichi's immediate rejection annoyed him, made him more determined to convince him.

"Aw c'mon Sawamura, it's not stupid... or are you just scared to play it with me." He teased, waving around the snack before placing it back between his lips.

_What? No! I'm the one too scared of this, why am I doing this? I shouldn't want to kiss someone only after a week! Not after... but Sawamura is just... I mean c'mon I deserve some fun!_

Daichi stays silent, but looks back at Sugawara. Sugawara tilts his head in confusion. Was he going to play or is he annoyed?

He was about to speak again when Daichi moved, all of it happening too fast for Sugawara to process. Daichi rested his hands on Sugawara's shoulders pushing him back a bit. He leaned forward, took his entire end of the Pocky in his mouth, letting his lips meet Sugawara's. It was a sweet and short kiss. The moment Daichi's lips met Sugawara's, his eyes flew open in surprise, and just as he processed it and begun to enjoy himself, Daichi bit off his chocolatey end and pulled away.

Sugawara rested a hand on his mouth, (that was still silently chewing the Pocky) the tingly feeling still there, and his face was definitely red, not that Daichi's wasn't. He was looking straight into Daichi's eyes, looking for some kind of explanation, but mostly in awe of what had happened.

_I want to kiss him again, I want to feel it again, properly_

Daichi on the other hand looks worried, feared that he may have crossed a line. "I-" he tries to speak, but Sugawara surprises both himself and Daichi when he grabs Daichi's shoulders and pushes his lips onto Daichi's, forcing him to push down that apology.

After the initial surprise, neither of them pull away from the kiss. Their lips slowly began to fall in sync with each other as they both got used to feeling of kissing the other. Daichi brings his hands up to Sugawara's chest and pushes him back against the sofa a bit. He nibbles on Sugawara's bottom lip, who's hands find their way to Daichi's hair, tugging on the short locks every time Daichi nibbles, sucks, pecks... it doesn't matter, it all feels so good.

Feeling Daichi's hands now in his hair, their lips moving together, it sends a tingling feeling through his entire body. It feels warm, not just from the kiss, but the sensation of feeling Daichi's hands through his thin shirt, the shivers it sends down his spine.

The sound of laughter coming from behind a bookshelf is what interrupts his blissful thoughts. Reluctantly, he pushes Daichi away, only a bit. "Someone might see us..." He whispers.

Not even wasting a second, Daichi gets up, pulling Sugawara along with him. He leads the both of them to the, luckily, empty bathroom. Shutting the door behind the silver-haired and pink-cheeked male, Daichi pushes him against the door, resuming the kiss, harsher this time. He pushes his tongue against Sugawara's closed lips, demanding access. The other easily complies, wanting to feel more.

He slides his hands up Daichi's chest, going over his broad shoulders, finally resting in his hair again. Daichi has an arm wrapped around Sugawara's waist, the other hand sliding up and down one of Sugawara's arms. The feeling of his rough hands on his bare skin makes Sugawara shiver, a tingling sensation taking over that entire arm. Every small part of exposed skin getting lit on fire every time Daichi touches it.

Slowly, Daichi's kisses tear at Sugawara, making his entire body hot, and soon enough, his knees go weak.

He's never felt so strongly for someone in such a short amount of time, he couldn't help his reactions.

Daichi caught him at the waist. Using his other hand, he pulled the keys out of his pocket, fingering for the one to the bathroom lock, not once opening his eyes or breaking the kiss. He then pulled Sugawara off the door, keeping him locked against his body by the waist. The kiss was only broken for the mere second it took Sugawara to hop onto the counter.

He leaned forward, this time pushing his lips harder onto Daichi's, feeling, tasting his entire mouth with his tongue. He tugged on his hair and wrapped a leg around Daichi's waist, pulling him closer.

Daichi pushed forward again, both hands sitting on Sugawara's waist. He left his lips, nipping at a spot just above his collarbone. The sudden gesture makes Sugawara whip his head back as he moans with pleasure. Daichi continues to nip and suck on the skin at Sugawara's neck. The kisses feel too good, filling Sugawara's entire body with pleasure, and he has to resist the urge to moan Daichi's name. Then Daichi moves on to licking at his earlobe. He can't help it this time.

"...Sawamura..." He breathes.

"Daichi..." The other male mumbles into his skin, causing a small tickle.

Sugawara's breaths turn into pants from feeling Daichi's tongue on his ear, making them burn. "W-what..."

Daichi pulls away from Sugawara's ear now, making him slightly open his lust filled eyes and meet Daichi's half-lidded ones, their lips a mere centimeter apart. "My name is Daichi, call me Daichi..." He whispers, his hot breath fluttering past Sugawara's mouth.

Sugawara nods and pulls him close, wanting to feel his lips once more.

\---------------

Daichi walked into his classroom blindly, he hadn't gone to orientation. He was the type of person who hated first days, he liked the routine of 'practice, classes, practice, home.' It was easier to follow patterns rather than firsts in his life. Asahi had gone, though, and told him the necessary information...more like they were in the same class and nothing else.

He walked into the slightly noisy room with hands in his pockets and a hat over his head and ears. The chilly mornings were apparently here to stay. The earbuds under the beanie were playing, [this is so me irl] drowning out the white noise of the classroom. He sat beside Asahi in the second row with a simple wave as a hello.

Most of everything happening around him after that was irrelevant to him. His mind was jumping from random topics, from the class to the students to volleyball to being a third year... to Friday. He couldn't help but think about it over and over, it was constantly sitting in the back of his head.

It wasn't like him to make-out with someone after only a week of knowing them, he would never think to do that after what happened in his first year. Still, the very fact that he did, it was bugging him. Somehow, in some way, Sugawara had popped into his life, and in the span of a week caught his attention to the point of getting Daichi to actually like him... a lot.

At this point the teacher had come to the class and was writing on the board, Daichi lowered the volume of his music, but still didn't look up from his empty desk. He was dwelling on the fact that even though both Asahi and half of his being told him to call Sugawara, he couldn't build up the courage.

He obviously wasn't aware of the fact that in a matter of minutes, a certain silver-haired teacher was going to introduce himself, and immediately make his life about a thousand times more complicated.

"Good morning everyone, my name is Sugawara Koushi-"

Daichi looked up.

"-and although most of you already know that..." Sugawara paused, eyes scanning the room. "there were a few absen-" And that's the moment where he stops short, wide honey-eyes staring right at the dark-haired male across the room, who held the exact same expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should be evil but I'm gonna post the next chapter in like 2 days so no cliffhanger lucky fuckers.
> 
> How many of you got red reading the kissing scene? Did I even get red when I wrote this...... I don't even fucking remember, well then. If you didn't good for you you've read too much smut and lemon to even blush at this point but who knows I might be one of you give me a high five.
> 
> Anyway yea I tried my best with the kissing -prays it wasn't awkward af- so enjoy see you in the next chapter bitches.
> 
> -Sam


	3. Chapter 3

_Don't you move_  
_Can't you stay where you are, just for now_  
_I could be your perfect disaster_  
_You could be my ever after_

_-Ever After; Marianas Trench_

The rest of class was kind of horrible for Daichi. Sugawara on the other hand, it was his very first day as a teacher and he really wanted it to be a good one. All the students had taken a liking to him, he had a good vibe. The girls were definitely happy to have a young, good-looking male for a teacher. [not like he's into girls pff sry ladies]

He managed to press down the anxiety of seeing Daichi for the period. It was definitely not the worst morning.

When the bell for the next period rung, the students stood up and were together heading out the door to the next class, all but Daichi.

"Sawamura!" Sugawara called. "Could you stay behind a moment? There are a couple things I need to give you, on account of being away during orientation." Daichi told Asahi to go on ahead, and slid the door shut once everyone had left. He mentally and verbally prepared for what was about to happen.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Sugawara half yelled.

"What are you doing here?!" Daichi yelled back.

"I asked first!"

"Don't be a baby!"

"Just answer the question!"

"Fine! I go to school here, your turn!"

"This is where I start teaching!"

After the fit, Sugawara and Daichi both were glaring at each other, each trying to calm down. It was Sugawara who broke the short silence.

"Why are you here?" he asked, more composed.

Daichi had simmered down as well, talking in a calmer manner now, knowing better than to explode like that. "I told you I'm in my third year, how can you mess that up."

"I thought you meant college! I mean look at you, you don't look like a high schooler, not with that body. The shop is 30 minutes away from the university, it's only natural I think you would go there, not a high school 50 minutes away." He replies, defensive now. He genuinely thought Daichi was in college, and being so sure of it, he brushed off the name 'Sawamura Daichi' from his class list as a massive coincidence.

"Well I'm not, I go here, I'm in my third year, and I'm captain of the volleyball team. Everything I told you is true, I swear, I guess the year part got misinterpreted." He explains with a sigh, running his hand though his short hair.

"Okay... but tell me that you're already 18." He pleads.

"No, still 17, my birthday's on New Years' Eve."

Sugawara pauses for a good 15 seconds just staring at Daichi.

"...what?" Daichi asks cautiously. Sugawara grabs his head in frustration.

"I made out with a minor. And. I'm that minors' teacher..." he mutters harshly, not wanting his own words to be true. "Daichi! You knew full well that I'm 23! You know your own age! Why in the hell... would you kiss me if you knew all that?!" He yells, not too loud, but in a very stern voice. Also extremely exasperated and confused, a bit of anger also present.

"I'm sorry! I didn't realize that you would be my teacher! Besides! Is 6 years really that much of a difference? I really like you! The kiss just kind of happened so I went along with it!" He retaliates, completely frustrated, having no idea what he should be saying right now.

Sugawara opened his mouth, ready to fight back, but he was at a loss, Daichi's argument was valid. In his opinion, 6 years, or age in general, didn't matter to him when it came to love or romance. And he really, really liked Daichi as well. And... he was the one to instigate the kisses, so he couldn't even blame Daichi. "I-I know, I shouldn't be blaming you, I'm sorry. It's just, what do we do now? Making out with you even though you're a minor... it already happened so it can't be helped, but now?"

Daichi was all the same when it came to what to do now. "Suga-" He starts, but is interrupted.

"Sensei."

"What?"

"Sugawara-sensei. You can't blurt out Suga in the middle of class, people will suspect something. I'll call you Sawamura too, can't be busting out your first name when I call everyone else by their last." He explains sternly, annoyed too.

"...oh, right, um... Sugawara-sensei... you... I don't think we should just cut off our relationship like this. I mean, we have some kind of connection... right?" Daichi mutters, unsure of his own words. It also struck him in the chest, having to say 'sensei' when he'd been so used to a friendly manner with Suga.

"It's true we have a connection, don't doubt that I feel it too. But I think it'd be best to break it off here." Sugawara's voice was flat; he was full logic mode now. "You're my student, I can't have a relationship with you, if we were found out, that would be disastrous for both of us Sawamura, not to mention I'd go to freakin' jail. Anyway, it's best to leave it at a teacher-student relationship." He finishes.

Daichi however, isn't so pleased with the answer. "You want to just break it? Can we talk about this? C'mon, Sugawara. We just got started, how can you say that we should just break it off like that, I want to try this." He defends.

"Sawamura, we just talked about it, it's too dangerous." Sugawara replies somewhat harshly.

"No. You talked, and I listened." Daichi starts, annoyed at Sugawara's blind bluntness. "Don't try to deny how you feel, I sure won't. I admit, it was only a week, but I like you. A lot. Somehow, in 7 days I felt close to you, closer than I do with most people. I fell for you, bit by bit, for each hour we talked. By the time we kissed? I was a goner. I just know you feel something strong for me too. You wouldn't have kissed me the way you did if you didn't feel anything." He speaks in such a way... it doesn't come off as pushy, but it's also not weak. At first he was annoyed, but by the end, his voice was soft and loving. With every sentence, he takes a step closer to Sugawara, who was backed into his desk, there was only a foot between them now.

Sugawara doesn't speak. He doesn't know what to say. Daichi hit the nail on the head. He felt something really strong for Daichi. He knew he wasn't at love just yet, but he would definitely get there if this went on. He fell for Daichi too. And he couldn't explain it away, much as he tried.

_I can't answer him now, he has me completely figured out... what should I say to him? That I want to be with him? I can't do that, not as his teacher... but I really want to... I really really really want to; I haven't felt so close to someone in such a freakin' long time... I don't want to let go of it, but it's too dangerous for me to keep hold. I can't do that, it's not right, so what do I say, what should I..._

"It's been 15 minutes, you should get going, you're already late..." he mumbles, turning around to get the pad and a pen off his desk.

_I'm being a coward... leave it to me to run when someone else faces his feelings for me._

"Here, take the note, it's my fault you got held up, no point in getting yelled at for that." He says with his head down, handing over the note. Daichi takes it, but doesn't leave, instead he takes a step forward and grabs one of Sugawara's hands in both of his.

"Please don't say that. Tell me something, anything, to give me hope on this.... please." He begs, eyes desperate with emotion, staring right at Sugawara. The feeling Daichi's touch sends up his arm radiates through his entire body.

_I'm a coward._

"I can't do that. You need to go, it's not good to be this late on a first day." He finishes, dejected. He pulls his hand from Daichi's, suddenly going cold. He slides the door open with his head down.

Daichi stands unmoving for a second, eyes wide at what he's hearing. He doesn't want to believe that Sugawara would end it, he won't. There's too much between them for it to end, he knows he won't give up, so for the time being, he accepts.

Wordlessly, he walks past Sugawara's slumped figure and out the door.

Sugawara slides the door shut, and drops his forehead onto it. Clenching his teeth, he closes his eyes and presses his hands into fists. He was conflicted. He wanted so bad to try it with Daichi. But first there was their social standing, then there was that. After that, could he really trust someone else? Could he really come to love another enough to tell him?

 _Why did this have to happen right now? Why do I have to like him so much? Why does he have to be in my homeroom class? Why does he look like he's hell bent on being with me? Why should I have to fight my feelings for him? Just fucking_ why _??_

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So?" Asahi beckons. He and Daichi were walking home together after practice. It was practically dark now, but that was normal for them regardless.

"So~ what?" Daichi questions.

"You were in there talking to Sugawara-sensei for over 10 minutes, what happened?" Asahi asks, voice evident with concern.

Daichi on the other hand is trying to keep his composure, knowing full well he can't tell anyone what's going on. "Nothing, it's like he said, I wasn't there for orientation so we had some talking to do."

Asahi sighs before talking again. "You know it shouldn't take that long, don't start lying to me now."

Daichi slows his walking pace, unsure of whether he should really tell Asahi the truth, he had been there for that, so why not now? "Do you want me to give you extra laps tomorrow?"

Asahi almost chokes on air. "No! I mean, well, no, obviously." After that, silence takes over, seeing as there were no more words to say.

Daichi and Asahi had been close friends since they met. They were the only 2 first years to join volleyball in their year, and really had no one else to find common ground in. Asahi had also been there when Daichi went through his rough patch.

Because of this, Daichi told Asahi about Sugawara. Miraculously, he only told Asahi the name Sugawara and nothing else. No physical features or personal information such as occupations.

When the time came for them to split paths, Asahi had one last question, the one Daichi didn't want to hear. "Hey... the Sugawara you mentioned last week..."

"Asahi-"

"...that one wouldn't happen to be Sugawara-sensei... right? Why else would he have looked at you like that in class?" he finished strongly, though he was definitely nervous about asking Daichi this.

Daichi had really hoped his over perceptive friend hadn't noticed, but it was right there in his description, over perceptive, of course he'd notice, he worried about everything. Taking a deep breath, Daichi replied as calmly as he could. "I don't know why he looked at me like that, maybe I looked familiar to someone he knew? But, he's not... he's not my Suga from the store, don't worry about that."

Asahi still looked skeptical, things didn't add up for sure, but he chose to give his best friend the benefit of doubt. "If you're sure, but if you have anything to tell me... then tell me, ok?" he reassured.

Daichi gave Asahi a smile then, he knew Asahi wanted to help him, and was being kind to give him space. "Definitely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -prays I'm a mildly nice human and let's the sweet babies be together in the next chapter-
> 
> I'm so evil, trust me you'll feel my wrath in the later chapters, maybe not so much for now.
> 
> But actually I pained myself when Sugamama told Daichi to call him 'Sensei' like[???] bitch you only his sensei in bed and he be your captain don't go throwin' shade with that title hurting my Dadchi's heart no fuck that.
> 
> -ahem-
> 
> Hope you enjoyed make sure to give me harsh critical feedback so I can make the chapters cuter/angstier[??]/hotter/idkwatever see you soon bitches!
> 
> -Sam


	4. Chapter 4

_Can't figure out exactly how we stand_  
_Stuck in between two uncharted lands_  
_We're sending signs like I've never seen_  
_Changing our minds, don't know what we mean_

 _Are we off, are we on? Is it right, is it wrong?_  
_Is that it, is there more? Are we here? Are you sure?_  
_Not enough, or too far? Do we know what we are?_

_-Grey Area; Sam Tsui_

A week passed since they talked in the classroom. Back at Monday morning again, Daichi was making his way to his first period class from morning practice. There were students everywhere on school grounds going to their classes as well, though Daichi paid no attention. He was still thinking about how to talk to Sugawara properly.

The past week had been rough on both of them. Sugawara had it worse.

He was constantly fighting himself on the inside. It was so hard because he saw Daichi for at least 3 hours every day, and that certainly didn't make it easier on him. Every time he saw Daichi, he wanted to tell him that he would be with him, he wanted to kiss him and hug him and be around him, and be a normal couple with him.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't because, in society, their relationship would be abnormal. They would be ridiculed and hated on, their relationship would be forbidden and things would be legally cross for Sugawara.

He couldn't because, he couldn't trust people. He tried, and failed. Everyone had left him, and when he thought he found someone, they left him. He knew Daichi wasn't that kind of person, but that didn't make it easier for his ever-conflicted heart.

It was bad for Daichi too. He knew the societal issues with their relationship, and he didn't want to hurt Sugawara. He knew that if they started something, and if it was found out, the consequences would be far more severe for Sugawara, and he didn't want to hurt Sugawara like that for his own selfish reasons.

But at the same time...

_I want to be with him_

They both liked each other deeply, they haven't known each other long enough for love, but it was easily getting there. They both saw the potential love, they both knew how happy the other made them, they both wanted this.

One was trying to pursue, and the other wanted to pursue, but had too much inner conflict.

It was a disaster. And it would have continued to be a disaster, but Daichi knew better. He could tell that Sugawara was beating himself up over something, and he knew his own feelings as well. Daichi is a leader, and as one, he knew he had to talk to Sugawara, whether they end up a couple or not, they needed to talk, that was understood by both parties.

So the day went by. He wearily went through each of his classes, Asahi helping him out here and there, due to him spacing out in thought. Sugawara went on being a sensei for another day, teaching his students and showing little emotion when it came to personal issues.

Then came last period. The period where Daichi ended up in the second row of Sugawara's class. This was the one class Daichi had no trouble keeping up in. He loved this class. He sat in his seat and watched Sugawara's eyes glimmer with joy as he taught a subject to hungry minds, a subject Sugawara deeply enjoyed himself. Seeing him so happy, it made Daichi pay attention to every word he said, every diagram he drew, every sly smile he didn't know he had on when he spoke.

That's how Sugawara made it through each day. He loved teaching about something he was passionate about, it was a wonderful distraction. But he knew that Daichi would try to talk to him. He'd done so throughout the week, tried to catch him at lunch, after or before class, on his way to practice after school, even called a couple times. Sugawara had avoided him though. He didn't want to talk about it. Because he knew that if he did, only one of two things could happen;

He'd lose Daichi as a friend and partner, and would only remain teacher and student with lingering feelings haunting them both. Or, they would be together and face the ups and downs of their relationship, and be happy together.

He was afraid of the former, so he avoided Daichi all together.

That wasn't the case today. Sugawara was writing a couple notes on the board for the next day after the bell rang to signal the day was over. He only turned around when he heard the door slide shut. Daichi closed it, and he definitely wasn't going anywhere.

"Can we talk?" He asked quietly, a small comforting smile painted on his lips.

"You don't have to ask if you're not going leave no matter my answer." Sugawara replied. His words may have been a tad harsh, but there was no bite to them, he was simply stating a fact so he wouldn't have to say what he really thought.

_I really want to talk Daichi, I really want to tell you that I like you and I want to be with you. I want to kiss you right here and now, but I don't know if we can, I'm too afraid to find out._

Daichi let out a little laugh. "True... put down the chalk Sugawara, you're not just a teacher when we're alone." He whispered the last part, taking the dusty white tool from Sugawara's slender fingers.

There was barely any contact, but the places Daichi's fingers brushed over on Sugawara's hand were already warm.

"Aren't you going to be late for practice Daichi? You should go." Sugawara said, against his will might he add.

Daichi only smiled. "I have a little time, and anyway, this will be my first time being late to practice, I'm sure they'll let it slide." [Tanaka would never let it slide pffff]

Sugawara sat at his desk, and attempted to control his pacing heart. Daichi leaned back on the side, taking a deep breath. He reached out and took one of Sugawara's hands in his own, but Sugawara immediately pulled back and stood up, walking towards the door.

"Suga-"

"If you're going to touch me, you should at least lock the door. Schools over, but people could still walk in, but they won't say anything if its locked now." He explained.

"Is that you giving me permission to touch you?" Daichi said, lightly teasing. And finally, finally, Sugawara cracked a smile.

"Possibly..." He teased back with a small laugh.

_This is nice, I'm still not sure what will come of this, but for the moment, I know I really enjoy being around Daichi._

Sugawara mimicked Daichi, leaning back on the same of side his desk as Daichi was. He found Daichi's left hand with his right, and intertwined their fingers. He slouched his body and leaned his head on Daichi's shoulder comfortably. They fit together perfectly.

Daichi's light voice broke the silence. "Can I ask you a question?"

There was a pause before Sugawara answered. "Yes."

Daichi took a long deep breath before asking. "Do you have feelings for me?"

Sugawara lifted his head, his eyebrows crinkled in confusion. "Daichi... what..." he started, turning to face him. "what kind of a question is that?" When he received no explanation, he went ahead and answered. "Yes, I have feelings for you."

"Another question," Daichi stated. "Do you think your feelings are strong enough, that you would risk your status to be with me?" He asked, he tried to keep his voice flat, but love and concern seeped through.

This question hit Sugawara's heart. He bit his lip and shut his eyes, he subconsciously squeezed Daichi's hand too, showing him that he was indeed having a hard time thinking.

_Do I tell him the truth? Or lie? Do I follow my heart and risk things to be with someone I see myself loving? Or do I keep logic and legal standards, and continue to be afraid of my past and back off... ... ... ... ... ... ... truth it is_

He wanted to be true to himself for once, he saw potential in this, he wanted to at least... at least dip his feet in the water [do u see me getting influenced by your pool talk you lil]

"Yes... easily. My feelings for you... I don't know how to explain it, I don't love you, yet, but I have deep feelings for you." He said confidently, trying not only to prove to Daichi of his honesty, but also himself.

"Suga," Daichi starts, turning to look Sugawara in the eyes. "if you feel that way, then why have you been hurting so much the past week? 'Cause y'know, to anyone who was paying attention, the conflict and hurt was carved in your eyes." Concern, care, confusion, determination, need. So many strong emotions were present on Daichi's face, it struck Sugawara, again.

He couldn't find the words to explain anything to Daichi, he was frozen, mesmerized by the look in Daichi's eyes. And he very well could not tell Daichi about that. So he ended up standing there, wordlessly.

"There's something else, isn't there?" Daichi asked sternly, however care was still written everywhere.

"Wh...what?"

"I'm not dense, or stupid, Suga. I understand the risks of us being together, I get that its extremely dangerous and we'd both be putting a lot on the line. I feel the exact same way you do, afraid, but still wanting to try this. I understand Suga. But after what you just said... it's not me, or our relationship or your feelings that you're afraid of, there's something else making you hesitant of being with me, isn't there?" Daichi's voice gets more and more desperate from each word he says. almost as it he's afraid for Sugawara.

The latter, well he can't come up with words, he's stuck, Daichi said literally everything on his mind. He pulls his hand away and lightly pushes Daichi forward, wanting to look him dead on. His breaths now turn into light pants. "Wha... what are you a mind reader?! Why do you keep saying things about me that are exactly right?! I don't know what to say right now! How do I answer you? I can't... I can't tell you!" he claims, raising his voice a bit. It was all too frustrating.

"You don't have to answer me! You don't have to! You don't have to tell me anything, it's okay Suga. Suga..." He pauses, trying to calm himself down and find the right words to say. "I don't care what it is, okay? Whether it be a bad breakup, or an ex, broken heart, something bigger... whatever it is, I don't care about it." He pauses again, stepping closer to Sugawara. Sugawara stands unmoving, so he wraps his larger arms around him, connecting them at his back.

Sugawara's eyes widen a bit at the sudden touch. His body is warm again, he feels Daichi's warm breath on his neck, and his soothing, deep voice right beside his ear when he speaks again, causing his ears to redden and send shivers down his spine.

"The only thing I care about, is you. I'll protect you Suga, from whatever is it you're afraid of. I'll hold you, just like this..." he tightens his grip. "...and protect you from it, I'll make sure you never have to be afraid again." He finishes softly. His quiet voice still ghosting by Sugawara's ear.

_I'm falling in love with him_

Sugawara is mesmerized by his words. His beautiful, beautiful words. He never would have dreamed that another person would care about him so much, he never thought he'd feel this safe and warm in another person's arms... yet here he is. His voice is still shaky when he speaks, but he's confident.

"Guess I'll have to return the favor then." With those words, he wraps his arms around Daichi's broad shoulders and looks him in the eye. Slowly, he leans forward, and the moment before his lips meet Daichi's, his honey eyes flutter shut, allowing him to enjoy the feeling. It was no different from the first time they kissed [-cough cough- made out]. Electricity flew through his entire body, he could feel Daichi's care and emotion radiating through the air. Every touch of his burned Sugawara's skin in the best way possible.

Daichi pulled away a bit, resting his forehead on Sugawara's, keeping their close proximity. He spoke quietly, as to not break the wonderful mood. "So you'll give us a shot?" he asks, nudging Sugawara's nose with his playfully.

Sugawara smiles widely, genuinely too. "I'm _so_ giving us way more than a shot." He says, laughing lightly. He leans in again, leaving another kiss on Daichi's awaiting lips. Then he leaves another, and another, and another, because he's so happy to have someone like Daichi right now and he never wants this moment to end. So they keep kissing, showing each other their love, or 'like,' until they deem it time for Daichi to go to practice. [unfortunately]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare for le fluff, 'tis coming. No but legit I got some fluff and cute shit coming your way before I break you with the angst and and sad shit.
> 
> This chapter though.... I had so many ideas on how to make them stay apart longer and hurt you guys and these idiots more (pff and myself) but no you people be lucky [-cough- for now]
> 
> Anyway hope you enjoyed! Leave a comment gimme feedback if you want if you don't want heh just tell me what parts made you die [cause a ton made me die]see you in the next chapter bitches bye!
> 
> -Sam


	5. Chapter 5

_I've got a little confession_  
_I don't know what I'm doing_  
_But if you want, you can play along_  
_Maybe I'll wake_  
_To find that I went and blew it_  
_But 'til I do, I'll keep going strong_

_-Make it up; Sam Tsui_

It had been a couple weeks since they got together. It was hard in some ways, they could talk and share their feelings and have fun, but they couldn't stand too close or blush around each other, laugh too much or hold hands, kiss, hug.

It was definitely annoying to see each other every day and not be able to do those things, or do anything a couple could do in public, but at the same time, they had way too much fun with it.

They were worried about keeping their relationship intact for nothing. They knew how to keep a secret, so that much was fine as well.

The thing is though, being together, while seeing the other in class was extremely fun for both Daichi and Sugawara.

During one period, Sugawara was in the middle of explaining something during a lesson. He made the not so bad mistake of glancing toward Daichi, who winked at him in that moment, making him blank on his words, fluster, and try to keep down a blush. Daichi had extra homework that day.

Another time, it was a quiet work period. Daichi was having trouble with a question so Sugawara came over. He leaned down with his hand hoisting his upper body up by the back of Daichi's chair. He leaned close and quietly whispered the explanation to him, as to not disturb the other students. But before he left, he quickly nipped Daichi's ear, then walked away like nothing had happened. Except he left Daichi to fluster and be a mess in his seat. He had a hard time not laughing from his desk in all honesty.

So yes, even though they couldn't go on dates, or be close when they weren't alone, they still had all the fun in the world teasing each other and messing around. They had no problem showing their affection. They had a strangely wonderful start to their relationship.

Back in reality, the school was on its one-hour lunch break. Daichi had been with the team for the first part of it, but he had something to ask Sugawara.

He was strolling the hallways after seeing that he wasn't in their classroom, looking for him. His phone and book bag were left in the room so he couldn't call or text. Finally, as he turned a corner to get outside, he spotted a silver cowlick [srsly they could pick up antenna signals at this point] making its way through the crowd of students.

"Sugawara-sensei!" He called, getting Sugawara to turn to find the voice calling him. Running up to him, he also added, "I have a question for you."

They walked slowly together now, Daichi blindly following wherever Sugawara had to go. "I have no idea how this is true, but for some reason, I love it when you call me sensei, but I also kind of hate it." He starts, laughing at himself.

"How do you hate it and love it?" Daichi asked in an incredulous voice.

"I don't know, maybe I find it weirdly sexy that I'm your sensei but I want to be closer to you so I don't want any formalities... maybe??" At this point he was just confusing himself. "Don't confuse me, didn't you have a question for me?"

Daichi laughs at him before continuing. "Right, I did. So listen. I know you told me a lot about your memories with volleyball. We have a great setter right now, he's extremely talented and works amazingly with another first year, you'll get it if you see. It's just that we don't have another more experienced setter to help him. Talent goes a very long way, but it could really do him good to have someone else helping him out. The team could really use someone with experience." They got an area at the back of the school where there weren't any students, so they sat down on a ledge side by side, continuing to speak in hushed voices.

"Daichi... I get what you're saying, but why are you telling me this?" He asked, curious as to why he was getting all this information about the volleyball team.

Daichi suddenly gets a bit nervous, a hand moving to rub the back of his head. "I was thinking that, if you were free after school, that maybe... you could come to practice with me? You'd get to play, experience volleyball again, help the team, y'know?" His pace gets quicker as he talks, feeling immediate regret at this due to the lack of response from Sugawara.

_Is he actually doing this? For real? Is he inviting me to practice? He's going to let me play volleyball again? Be a setter again?_

Sugawara keeps his head down, trying to hide his excitement. "Daichi... are you serious? You're not teasing me right?"

"Teasing? What, no. I want you to come, is there something wrong?" He inquired, nervousness seemingly gone, on account of him being completely clueless as to why Sugawara would think he was being teased.

"Daichi, of course there's nothing wrong, I really want to go." He says breathily, overjoyed that he could play again. "That's- that's amazing, thank you, really." He continues, now looking at Daichi. Taking a peek around him to make sure there aren't any students, he leans in and gives Daichi and quick kiss on the cheek, in gratitude of course. "I haven't played in so long, this is amazing, I can't believe that you... are they okay with this?"

"Yea, I told them this morning, said that, 'you had mentioned being a setter when you saw me going to practice one time.'" He explains to Sugawara, who was laughing along with him. "Everyone was really excited, you should have seen Kageyama, the first year, he tries not to show excitement but he was like, giddy to have another setter around." He finishes, laughing again.

Then Sugawara snaps his fingers in realization. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh..."

"Oh what?"

"That's why Noya was so excited in my class this morning~" He explains, stretching out the 'g' since he was still... having a moment. [this airhead why am I doing this to Suga]

"Oh god." Daichi grumbles, playfully rolling his eyes.

\--------------------

After the last bell rung, Daichi went back to the Class 4 room to get Sugawara.

"Hey, you ready?" He asks from the door.

"Yup, let's go."

Once they were in the clubroom, Sugawara had another revelation. "Fuck." He mutters. It definitely didn't go unnoticed by Daichi.

"Woahh, that's a new word." He claims, surprised that Sugawara swore, not that he didn't himself, but he never heard Sugawara swear before. "What's wrong?" [we swear so much I'd feel bad if they didn't]

"You should know that I do, in fact, swear occasionally, and second, I don't want to sweat in my normal clothes." He whines childishly, making a face.

Daichi laughs at the response. "Of course not, idiot, you're gonna wear my stuff, I'm not gonna ask you to practice without preparing."

Feeling stupid, Sugawara mumbles incoherent nothings, taking the shirt and shorts Daichi handed him. Seeing as Daichi was already done changing, he told him to go ahead.

_No need for him to see those, it'd only be trouble for him if he saw_

When he entered the gym, Daichi was in the middle of talking to the team, telling them which things they should work on individually, before they played a game with Sugawara as a setter.

Upon noticing him, Daichi stopped talking and stood Sugawara beside him. "Kageyama, today you'll be working with Sugawara-sensei, try and learn from him, he has experience as a setter, that can really help you grow as a setter, and teach you some things to help set for Hinata and in matches. Hinata, you should try spiking some of his sets, learn how to handle different types of tosses, Asahi too, as an ace you should be able to spike any toss given to you. As for everyone else..."

As Daichi continued to instruct his team, Sugawara couldn't help but look at him in awe.

_He's such an amazing captain, he knows exactly how to help his team, all their weaknesses and strengths, and I thought he couldn't get any better..._

Seeing Daichi's proud face as he talked to his team, it made Sugawara's heart do weird things. He looked so in control and at home, he was inspiring, a true captain...

The loud yell of the team as they departed to the warmup is what brought the setter back to reality. Daichi was about to run off too, to join in the group, but was yanked back by the arm by no other than Sugawara. He leaned close to Daichi's ear so he wouldn't be heard.

"Next time you give me clothes, please remember that my waist is smaller than yours!" He whispered harshly, then ran off. Daichi was holding in a laugh as he caught up to the other.

Practice ran long that day, almost till 8. Everyone was having fun with Sugawara around, as well as improving and learning things from him. He practiced with Hinata and Kageyama first, then Asahi. Noya could not wait to join in as well, so he practiced receiving Asahi's spikes, though was a little pouty that he couldn't practice with his sensei one on one.

The entire time Sugawara was on the court, interacting with everyone, becoming part of the team, Daichi was watching. He was watching every move Sugawara made, every smile on his face. Every little thing he did when he was on the court.

The little face he made when his spike was a little off, the glimmer in his eyes when he got a perfect one, the way his arms arched as he set a ball, the determined face he made, the way his shirt rode up just a little bit, giving Daichi a sneak peek at his stomach. He watched Sugawara, miss, succeed, try again, learn.

He watched him rediscover the joy of playing volleyball.

It was an amazing sight.

Once practice had wrapped up, Sugawara took the gym keys from Daichi, saying he would clean and lock up, to which Daichi replied, "No, you were our guest today, I can't let you take the responsibility of cleaning the gym." He countered.

"No, I should, you all worked hard today, let me do it."

"That's not a fair argument, you worked hard too, right everyone?" He said louder, wanting their opinions, everyone replied in Daichi's favor though.

"Can I still do it? I'd feel bad if I left it to you, Captain." Sugawara persisted, handing the keys over to Daichi's open hand.

Daichi let out a sigh, knowing he wouldn't win this fight. "Fine, but I'm helping. Everyone! You can get going, me and sensei will handle it tonight!" He called to the rest of the team.

Tanaka closed the door behind him, being the last one out of the gym.

"At least we can be alone for a little while." Daichi speaks up, breaking the silence.

"I definitely had an ulterior motive when I said I wanted to clean up this entire place." Sugawara admits shamelessly with a smirk.

Laughing with him, Daichi walks up, pulling him in by the waist. "Ulterior motives like... this?" he asks cheekily, pulling him closer for a long kiss. Having to breathe, they pull away soon after.

"Exactly like that." He confirms, pulling Daichi back down by the towel around his neck.

After a couple kisses, they finally got to work, taking down the net, putting away the poles. Then having a mini contest about who could pick up the most volleyballs.

Sugawara won by one... Because he stole the last one from Daichi using a distraction... oh what might that distraction be? [insert lenny face]

Once the majority of the work was done, Daichi was about to leave to change.

"Aw c'mon, don't leave just yet, we didn't have any fun. These are rare opportunities y'know." Sugawara protested. Daichi stopped walking turning around, with a raised eyebrow.

"And what kind of fun could you possibly mean?" He teased, provoking Sugawara's more 'expressive' side.

Sugawara slowly walked up to him. "Oh you know, the kind of fun where I~..." he wrapped his arms over Daichi's broad shoulders and around his neck. "...do this, and then you..." he used one hand to bring Daichi's to his slender waist. "...do that, then I lean closer..." with a warm smile, he closed his eyes and leaned close to Daichi's also smiling lips, connecting them softly.

The once soft kiss became repetitive. Sugawara wrapped his arms tighter around Daichi's neck, pulling him even closer until their chests were touching. They moved their lips hungrily against each other's. Sugawara spoke the truth, being able to kiss like this was a rare opportunity in their life. They had to make the most of it.

Daichi wrapped his arms tighter around his waist, pushing harder against his lips, making him arc his back. He took another step, licking Sugawara's lips. But Sugawara decided to be a tease and keep his mouth closed. Daichi smirked into the kiss, taking the challenge.

What he didn't know was; Sugawara's hand was slyly making its way to his pocket, and he pulled the keys out. Then he pulled away, not giving Daichi a chance to finish his dare. He brought the key chain up to eye level, showing off in triumph.

First, Daichi looked confused, then his mind processed what was happening and he grabbed at the keys, but he was too late, Sugawara was already running away, laughing like a child.

"Was the kiss just a façade?" He yelled, chasing after him around the gym.

"Yup! But a tasty one too!" He admitted. He stumbled over his own feet from laughing so hard at the same time.

"Get your sexy little ass back here!" Daichi called after him playfully. Finally, he caught up, and trapped him by wrapping his arms around his waist from behind, and lifting him up off the ground, laughing at him as he pushed at his arms.

Sugawara yelped in surprise. "Daichi! Put me down!" He cried, laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation, practically dooming himself to falling out of Daichi's arms from bending over to clench his stomach of laughs.

"Nope! You gotta give me the keys first!" Daichi yelled back, struggling to hold Sugawara who was flailing his legs in attempt to free himself. Knowing his hold wouldn't stay for too long, Daichi put him down and pushed him against the wall, turning him against it. He leaned closer and slammed his arm against the wall, trapping Sugawara there, a hungry smirk present on his lips.

"I'm not giving up these keys." Sugawara continued to tease with a smirk of his own, keeping his pride.

Instead of talking back to the stubborn man, Daichi had his own, much more pleasuring idea. He slammed his lips against Sugawara's harshly. Forcing his tongue passed Sugawara's closed lips, he felt his entire mouth, sending shivers through both his and Sugawara's body. He found Sugawara's free hand with his own and held it, sliding it up the wall, slowly, prolonging the feeling. He wondered how it would feel if the wall was a bed. How it would feel if Sugawara lied beneath him. He pushed a leg up between Sugawara's, not too high, but high enough to be suggestive. Nibbling on his bottom lip, he eagerly slid his fingers through Sugawara's soft silvery hair. Significantly leaving his hair in a disarrayed mess, his hand then slid down Sugawara's arm to intertwine with his other hand that still laid alone against the wall. He continued to aggressively taste Sugawara's mouth, his lips, with his own, moving his mouth almost expertly against Sugawara's giving him exactly what he wants. Soon, he felt the hand against the wall loosen its grip on his, showing him that he'd accomplished filling Sugawara with blind lust.

Feeling Daichi kiss him like this, so greedily and longingly, it sparked something within him. His heart swelled as he moved his lips against Daichi's. He wanted more, needed more. He wanted to feel butterflies explode in his stomach rather than flutter, he wanted his body to burn from anothers' touch, anothers' love. He wanted, no, needed all that from Daichi. The kisses brought out the lust in him, he couldn't help it, having Daichi hold his hand while kissing him like this, it was as if he was claiming what was his. It showed that Daichi wanted Sugawara, that he wanted to keep possession over him so no one else could.

_It's so hot, my body is so hot, how am I falling for him this fast, does he really feel for me the way he's showing me, I can't believe he's doing this to me, he wants to do this to me... I'm falling in love with him._

Daichi took this moment of desire to pull Sugawara's other hand up the wall. Continuing to thirstily suck on his bottom lip, he brought his hand up to Sugawara's open one, and slowly, carefully, slid the key ring off his index finger, putting it on his own.

Finally, he hesitantly pulled away, pulling on his bottom lip to let the taste last as long as it could before letting Sugawara catch his breath. Daichi kept their close proximity, not wanting to pull away. Sugawara's hot breath ghosted on his face, he felt the heat rise to his cheeks in response. He wanted to kiss him over and over again, he wanted so much more, imagined how Sugawara's body would meld with his if they went farther.

Sugawara opened his eyes soon after, they were filled with lust and affection, desire and greed taking over the normally light orbs, though it only made him more alluring, seductive even. His cheeks were a deep shade of red, as well as his ears, which definitely didn't make things any more innocent. His parted lips were red and plumped up from being kissed so harshly, making him even more tempting territory. Daichi had a similar look mirrored in his eyes, his cheeks and ears burning with desire as well.

"W...what was that for..." He asked, his voice was breathless from the intensity of Daichi's lips. Daichi waved the keys in front of him, showing his victory with a smirk.

"I can have ulterior motives too." He said in a low whisper of a voice, one that made Sugawara's chest flip way too many times from the sexy huskiness.

He internally groaned at his loss. "You cheater." He tried to accuse, but failed miserably due to his voice still remaining winded from the kiss.

Daichi laughed, the deepness of it sounding even sexier in Sugawara's opinion. "Who do you think gave me the idea?" He asked back, a provoking smirk resting upon his kissable lips. Even though Sugawara really wanted to laugh at his own idiocy, and how impossibly taunting Daichi could be, he held it in.

"I'll have that smirk on next time, when I'm the one leaving you in a hot mess." He said, letting out a hot breath. Leaning forward, he captured Daichi's lips in another heavy kiss.

What they didn't know, was a certain Asahi had come back to the gym to grab his jacket, and heard everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hehehehe the Asahi right there at the end sorry not sorry. I had too much fun with this chapter, can you tell? I don't know I love it..ish.
> 
> To everyone who has put together that Sugawara has..... a past he needs to deal with, don't you worry, in time my friends.
> 
> So before I break your hearts, enjoy all the fluff and things, [and who wants to meet Shadow remember Sugamama's cat yea I love her just you wait]
> 
> ANYWAYYYY before I kill you with the hints hope you enjoyed! Leave a comment if you've got the time. It would really make my day!
> 
> See you in the next chapter bitches.
> 
> -Sam


	6. Chapter 6

_We ride into the sunset like it's the young west_  
_Don't mind lover, reach for the stars_  
_We make out like bandits, dreaming of mansions_  
_Every night you'll sleep in my arms_

_-Into the Sunset; Mako_

Instead of going home after school ended, Sugawara did his work in his classroom. He told Daichi to keep himself free after practice, and said to come visit him in their classroom.  
It was nearing 6:30, practice would be over soon.

_I really hope he doesn't find it weird, what if he doesn't want to, I really want him to, it would take our relationship further, and he'd get to see more of me, if only just a bit... I really hope he says yes_

He felt two sharp pokes at his sides and immediately jumped a foot in the air from his seat. "Daichi!" He breathed out, still in shock. He clutched at his chest, wanting it to calm down from the quick shock, also from nervousness due to his request. 

Daichi was annoyingly laughing as he leaned back on the front of Sugawara's desk, looking down at him. "Sorry, I had to, you looked so out of it, I had to take the opportunity." He finished, a smile still lingering from his previous laughter. 

"Ugh, you're the worst, remind me to find one of your weaknesses at some point, I need payback." He mumbled. It annoyed him how Daichi could make him weak through kisses, and also had the weapon of jump scares, meanwhile he had nothing. [the doors closed dw]

"You'll get one eventually, in the meantime... c'mere." He said, leaning down to meet Sugawara's lips. He felt Sugawara lay a hand on his cheek, bringing warmth to it. His touch was toxic, burning him with desire. He put a hand on Sugawara's outstretched arm, feeling his smooth skin under his rough hands. His touch had the same effect on Sugawara, as Sugawara's had on him. The skin under Daichi's hand was immediately set aflame, running warmth through his body. 

Sugawara pulled away just a bit, looking him in the eye with a soft smile. Daichi pulled away then, settling back against the desk.

"I feel like it's been forever since I last kissed you... we really need more time alone." He said softly.

"I may have a way to fix that." Sugawara whispered, nervous.

"What?" Daichi replied, unsure of what he heard was right. "Suga what do you mean?" Sugawara stayed silent, mild panic set in his eyes.

_What if he finds it weird?? What if he says no?_

"Do you want to meet Shadow?!" He blurts out randomly, looking up at Daichi.

"Hm? Shadow? Oh, yea definitely, she seems like fun, I wanna see one of your ridiculous cat stories happen for real." Daichi replied, laughing. He paused then, taking a good look at Sugawara's eyes. Noticing something off, he reached out and held his hand, intertwining their fingers for reassurance. "Hey... is everything okay? You seem nervous about something; did something happen?" He asked tenderly, wanting Sugawara to feel safe.

Sugawara brought his eyes down now, unable to look Daichi in the eye, he really didn't want a bad answer. "Nothing happened, its just, I was thinking. Its been a little more than a month since we got together, and um, I thought that maybe you could um, come over? To my place I mean? 'Cause, you know, we could be together and spend some alone time together, and just, it would be nice to be able to kiss you and be around you without having to worry about other people... right?" He said, finally stopping his rambling, and gaining the courage to look Daichi in the eye in the process. What he found in Daichi's eyes was absolutely not was he was expecting.

Daichi's eyes were shining. He looked excited. "Were you really nervous about that? I would love to come over Suga. Thank you for inviting me!" He answered with a sweet smile.

It made Sugawara's eyes gleam with happiness, and his face light up with joy. "Great! Can we go now?" He asked excitedly, squeezing Daichi's hand in enthusiasm. 

"Yea, pack up, lemme just text my mom and we can get going." He explained, pulling out his phone.

"Do you always go home right after practice?" Sugawara questioned, as he packed papers and folders into his book bag. 

"Yea, I text her if I'm going to be out late, otherwise she gets really worried." He told, finishing up and putting his phone away. 

"That's nice, she must really care about you." Sugawara inquired, he slung the strap over his shoulder and beckoned Daichi to follow him out the door.

"She does, but it can get annoying, I forget sometimes and then face hell when I get home late, its actually kind of funny afterwards though." He says with a light laugh.

They continued their conversation, talking about random things here and there. Once they were out of school boundaries, Sugawara reached out and took Daichi's hand, he moved closer and leaned his head on Daichi's shoulder as they walked slowly down the street. And finally, they felt like an actual couple.

 

Adding up their slow walking pace in attempt to have more time together outdoors, plus the long distance, it took about 50 minutes to get to Sugawara's building. The area was a collection of small-ish buildings. They got to the elevator, and pushed the button for the 9th floor. Sugawara yawned, slightly tired from the walk.

He leaned deeper into Daichi, needing more support. "Do you always get this tired from that walk?" Daichi asks lightly, concern laced into his soft voice. 

"No, not always, I guess my mind is just faking me being extra tired 'cause I stayed at school longer." His voice was quiet; he didn't want to break the wonderful atmosphere around the two of them. He was only leaning on Daichi's shoulder, and they were only holding hands, but the aura around them was made of only affection, warmth, desire, and care. 

The elevator pinged and the doors opened, Sugawara led them both to the left, and turned to his apartment door on the right, he pulled out the keys, unlocking it. He walked in pulling Daichi along. 

The moment the door closed, a small grey and black cat ran up to Sugawara, hopping into his arms.

"Hey girl," Sugawara whispered into her ear, stroking the fur between her ears. "I brought a friend over today~, you wanna meet him?" He asked her. She meowed softly in response, Daichi guessed it was a yes, because Sugawara turned to let Shadow face him. 

She stretched out a paw, lightly scratching at his chest. Sugawara held her out to him, inviting him to hold her. He set down his bag and took her lightly from Sugawara's arms. She meowed again, seeming to like him. She pawed at his chest and looked at him, meowing again with her mouth wide, she blinked her blue eyes at him, getting comfortable in his arms. 

"She likes you," Sugawara said with a chuckle. "That's what she did to me when I first got her. I told you all these crazy stories about her, and trust me she has a temper, but I like when I have these moments." He said, looking at Shadow with a smile. 

"That's nice, you're not all alone in this apartment with her around, and I get why you called her Shadow," he started with a smile. "I mean I could barely see her in the dark, and the blue eyes are so nice."

"Yea, I really liked the way she looked when I first saw her, she's an American Shorthair. The dark colours of her fur really soothes me, the blue looks amazing too. There was also the fact that she was 2 when I got her, and was being totally cuddly with me." He said, teasing her with a little rub on her back. Then he made his way to the kitchen.

"Only 2? How long have you had her?" Daichi said, curious due to the age.

"Oh she's 4 now, she had just turned 2 when I got her." He stated.

Daichi had a surprised and incredulous look on his face. "Aw, she's so young, I see why she's still a bit small then." She then hopped out his arms and to the ground flawlessly, and followed her owner to the kitchen and pawed at his legs, silently asking for the food Sugawara was already getting. 

"I know, I know girl gimme a sec," He told her, ushering her in the other direction.

Daichi took the time to look around Sugawara's apartment.

When you first enter, the kitchen is on the right and there's a short breakfast island, lining it and creating a separation from the kitchen and entrance. On the left was the living room, a white couch with a corner sat facing the television, a glass coffee table between the two. The corner created an invisible line to give the room its own space. Behind it was a medium sized landing in that corner that was reached by 2 short stairs. By the looks of it, Sugawara turned that space into Shadow's space, with a bed and basket of toys, there were also 2 cat posts. Empty food bowls sat on the edge as well. From the landing, you could open a glass door to a small study, which had bookshelves filled to the brim with hardcovers. There also sat a large desk, with a lit lamp, definitely where Sugawara worked. In the last corner, there were 2 doors. One appeared to be a bathroom, and the other opened into Sugawara's bedroom [you wonder how many chaps ima make you wait till Daichi's in there]. The light was off however so he couldn't make anything out. The entire apartment was floored with a dark hardwood, and had soft yellow lights spotting the ceiling, giving it a wonderful homey feel. It fit Sugawara perfectly. 

"I really like this place Suga." Daichi said, voicing his thoughts. Sugawara had just finished giving Shadow her food, and let her settle while he flopped down on the couch. 

"Really? It's not too boring? I think it's boring." He concluded flatly. 

"No, I like it, its so... you."

"So you think I'm boring?" Sugawara teased, raising his eyebrows. 

"You know what I mean." Daichi grumbles, dropping down on the couch beside his boyfriend. [is that the first time I called them boyfriends? Like???] "Anyway, I really love it, it just really feels like a home, I can't really explain it, but, I know I love it." He explained. 

After that, a comfortable silence loomed over them, as they just wanted to enjoy each other presence. After a moment, Sugawara left to his room and closed the door, changing into more comfy clothes. Once he got back, he brought over 2 glasses of water filled with ice to dissolve the heat. He sat back down beside Daichi, who had taken off layers, leaving only the white button-down shirt, in attempt to feel cooler as well. 

Sugawara kicked his feet up on the sofa and leaned into Daichi's chest, holding onto it with a hand. He felt Daichi's arm go around his shoulders as well. They stayed like that, in silence, for a little while. 

Later, Shadow felt the need to have company, and hopped up onto the couch, curling herself up in Daichi's lap. 

Daichi looked down at Sugawara, who was laughably scowling at his cat. "Looks like the cat takes after the owner." He chuckled.  
"Excuse me?" Sugawara asked, slightly offended. 

"Are you actually jealous that your cat is stealing a couple cuddles from me?" Daichi asked, laughing at his childishness.

Sugawara blushed in embarrassment. "Hmph, no. Well... a lil," he pouted. "But I mean you're my boyfriend not hers!" He claimed, shooting her another look. "This is the first time you've come over, I wanna be with you without her sniffing around!" Shadow picked up on the mood, and her temper finally showed. She harshly meowed at him and attempted to scratch him in the face, but he backed away too quickly. "Don't you dare try and scratch me!" He cried, squinting his eyes at her. She hissed at him in response and jumped to the ground, already running away. "Ugh, you lil- get back here!" He jumped off the couch and immediately ran after her.

Daichi was left laughing his ass off on the couch at how childish his [-cough- older] boyfriend was being. Sugawara was chasing Shadow in circles all around the apartment. At first he was angry, but as he chased her, Daichi saw a smile grow on his face, and a happy glimmer in his eyes as he ran around with Shadow. 

"Oh c'mon girl get over here!" He called, this time happily. He was really having a lot of fun with her. She ran into his study, apparently feeling safe there. She stopped running about, letting Sugawara stop in front of the landing to take a breath. She hopped onto the desk and was slowly crawling closer to the lamp. Sugawara's laughing expression turned afraid and he gasped seeing what she was about to do. "Shadow don't touch that; it'll burn your paw!" He yelled loudly, running in. The voice scared her, however, and she lost her footing, about to fall off the desk.  
Sugawara ran in, tripping over the carpet and banging his back into the desk as he landed flat on his ass, but he caught Shadow nonetheless. "Ugh, ow..." He complained, wincing. Shadow was being nice and showed her gratitude by licking Sugawara's cheek and meowing a 'thank you.' 

Daichi had viewed everything from his seat, and walked in now, wanting to make sure everything was okay. "Hey, that looked like a bad fall, you ok?" He asked, bending his knees and sitting to meet Sugawara at eye level. 

"Yea, don't worry, I'm good," He reassured. "you okay girl?" He asked, looking at Shadow as he petted her. She meowed an 'ok' to him, and hopped off his lap. She walked out the open door and curled up in her black bed, tired from the running, since it was rare that she moved that much. It was also getting to the time where she went to bed.

"She must be tired after all that, huh." Daichi observed. He held out a hand to help Sugawara up. 

"Yea... go sit down, I'm gonna give her a bit of milk and I'll be right there ok?"" [if only he knew she would have landed on her feet anyway]

\--------------------

Somehow, after the Shadow incident, they ended up curled together on the couch. It started out as simple conversation about class, the sun slowly setting outside the window, the room going from bright to a softer dark.

It created a beautiful atmosphere for the both of them. Their voices slowly went from normal to more hushed, matching the room. They became more and more at home with each other as they talked, hour after hour. Their conversation had reached the topic of love once the sun had fully set. It was dark now in the room. It was calm and quiet, they were alone, their bodies were melded together perfectly on the couch. Having found love in the air, Sugawara slowly found himself leaning closer and closer, Daichi too. They both had content smiles on as their eyes fluttered shut. It only progressed from there. 

Sugawara had his hands on Daichi's chest, sliding up and down over his shirt. Daichi was running his hands through Sugawara's longer silver hair, pushing closer to him with his body. Sugawara had one leg draped over Daichi's as they sat sideways, in attempt to get closer and make it easier for their lips to meet. 

For once, he was the one to lick Daichi's lips, wanting to go as far as he could while they were alone. Daichi easily obeyed, opening his mouth to let Sugawara explore. 

It was hot. The entire aura around them. Sugawara's body was hot and burning all over. He opened his mouth wider, let Daichi suck on his lips harder, he wanted so much more than this. Daichi's hands were sliding down his chest and around his waist to his lower back, pulling him as close as possible. 

Feeling Sugawara's delicate fingers on his neck sent shivers down his spine. His body felt warm from the sensation of Sugawara's hands touching his body. He could feel every movement on his chest through the thin shirt. 

_I want to unbutton it, I want to see his body, feel it, I want more... but I can't make him if I won't let him see my awful body, but I'm doing him a favor... no one likes my body, its hideous_

Daichi pushed against his lips once more, then removed them, trailing over his chin, lower and lower to his collarbone. He nipped it with his teeth, then proceeded to cushion the bite by sucking on it. The skin beneath Daichi's mouth burned most pleasantly. The hot sensation flowing through Sugawara's entire body. 

Daichi left little kisses in his wake as he moved up to a spot just below Sugawara's ear. He noted it down as a sweet spot, because Sugawara couldn't hold in his moan. The intense pleasure of Daichi's warm lips on the tender spot boiling in his chest and neck. He couldn't help the loud sound of pleasure that escaped his now empty mouth as he belted his head to the side, letting Daichi kiss more freely. 

It was as if Daichi had read his previous thoughts though. He just began to slide a hand under the thin fabric, his hand had just made contact with Sugawara's bare skin when he gasped and immediately pushed Daichi away, not letting him slide his hand any higher. 

He had a hand on Daichi's chest, keeping him at that outstretched length, and he dropped his head down to catch his breath. The worst part was... it felt amazing. Daichi's hand on his bare skin... under his shirt... on his chest... it felt so indescribably amazing, the heat, the pleasure, the bliss, the pounding of this heart, that wonderful sensation was still with him, just from that one second Daichi's hand had contact with his skin. 

_I want it, I want it so bad, I want him to touch me, I want to feel his hands everywhere, I want to feel his lips on my body, I want to feel his body and let him touch mine, his hands feel so good, he feels so good... I want more. But I can't, not yet, he won't... he won't like me if I show him, he'll hate me if I tell him, I don't want to hurt this, hurt him, I can't be a burden, I can't... I can't or he'll...right?_

"Suga, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go too far or make you uncomfortable..." Daichi tried to apologize, but Sugawara interrupted.

"Daichi, its fine. Its okay..." He started, giving Daichi a small but sweet smile, his tone light and forgiving. "it's okay, it's my fault. I just, I don't think I'm ready... to show you that much of me, I'm sorry, I should be ready to let you see me but..."

_I want to..._

"No it's ok, I understand Suga," Daichi said comfortingly. He moved closer to Sugawara, putting a hand to his cheek, rubbing circles on his jaw with his thumb. Sugawara looked up to meet his dark eyes. "I should have asked if it was okay, you don't have to apologize, you can take your time and get comfortable, I don't really mind it." Daichi assured with a smile.

Sugawara smiled back at him, Daichi's kindness making his heart swell, feel warm. "Thank you..." He responded. He showed his gratitude by pulling Daichi forward and giving him several more passionate kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omfg you guys I'm so fucking exhausted, I did this parents night shit with some of my friends and a bunch of other people and it was fun and chill and we were high for the most part..... then-
> 
> We had to put the caf back together, like the tables and chairs and shit and that fuckery was so fucking tiring I'm dead I got back like 30 mins ago and I just settled and now it's 10 and I got homework but I thought I'd do this first to make sure I wouldn't forget. 
> 
> Anyway! I love this chapter like tell me, _howmuch... do y'all love Shadow?_
> 
> Like bruh, she will be my cat, when I get one I will try my might for Shadow I fuckin love her.
> 
>  
> 
> _and who is catching all ma hints for Suga???_
> 
>  
> 
> My wrath is coming...
> 
> OKAY! I is babbling you guys don't care lol hope you liked this chapter! I'll post the next one earlier this time I feel bad -sweats-
> 
> See you bitches soon!


	7. Chapter 7

_You know, you know you love the way I linger and,_  
_You keep me wrapped right 'round your finger,_  
_But you say, you say, just wait a little longer, and_  
_And in time, I could be the right one_

_-B Team; Marianas Trench [the song really fits but Daichi ain't no cheater so]_

It was nearing the end of May, Spring was ending and cooler days had begun to disappear. Or one could say, Summer was starting and the warmer days were coming to visit.  


It was last period on Tuesday, the class had been given an assignment by Sugawara, so today was a free pass; work period. It was nice and silent, and everyone was working on their respective tasks, the students on the assignment, the teacher on his assignments. 

All but Daichi of course. 

He had his notebook and assignment nicely creating a façade on his desk, but he was scrolling through his phone on a certain webpage for a certain festival. Of course, he really should have been working, given that he didn't have too much time to do work after club activities, but he had a certain teacher on his mind, and he had plans to make. 

He thought he was being discreet and continued to read, but then this notification popped up on the top of the screen.

**-What are you doing on your phone in my class? -**

He immediately jumped in his seat, kind of like his heart wanted to fly out of his chest, rattling the desk, and he almost threw the phone across the room in surprise and fear, but he had enough self control to keep it in his hands.

The sudden noise caused the rest of the class to look up at the flustered Daichi, some giving him glares, others snickering, and Sugawara, well. He was sitting smugly at his desk up at the front, and had to bite down on a pen so he wouldn't laugh, which he deemed was extremely hard.

Once everyone went back to their work, Daichi glanced up and gave a smirking Sugawara a death glare before looking back down. 

A Captain can tease and taunt just as good as a Sensei. He had to get Sugawara back for that.

Fifteen minutes later, he prepared. He pulled out the flyer from his book bag and placed it on an empty page in his notebook, scribbling down a note beneath it, he marked the page and closed the book. Then he took off the black jacket he had on, resting it on the back of his chair.

He took the notebook and stood up, and just to tease, he unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt [that already had the sleeves folded up] on the way to Sugawara's desk.  
That alone made Sugawara's cheeks turn rosy upon noticing. Daichi put the notebook in front of him.

"Sensei, you know, I was wondering if you could check my progress on the assignment so far..." He started taunting Sugawara evilly and he opened to the designated page.  


He watched as his beloved sensei read the note and turned redder.

**-How about you stop teasing me and let me take you out on a date already? -**

Above the note sat a flyer to a festival for the beginning of summer, in a place about 30 minutes away by train.

"I was also wondering about the date, you know, when should this happen? It was Friday right? So we're free on the weekend?" He taunted further. Sugawara bit down on his lip, turning it white, but his cheeks and ears were doing quite the opposite.

Sugawara closed the notebook, pressing a palm down on it. He took a deep shaky breath before speaking, making sure his voice wasn't unstable or weak.  
"Yeah, Friday... Everyone remember that! I won't be taking late submissions!" He called to the rest of the class, who responded with a bored hum. Then he lowered his voice again, speaking just to Daichi. 

"The assignment is going just fine Sawamura, you're definitely on the right track."

\--------------------

"I still can't believe you asked me out like that." Sugawara said, shaking his head as he walked beside Daichi. 

"Maybe if you didn't send that text~... I would've considered being more romantic." Daichi replied, nudging him on the shoulder.

"Mhmm, well, you're going to make up for it now, when there aren't 25 students watching us."

It was approaching Saturday noon, and Daichi and Sugawara were standing in festival grounds. The festival was local to these people, but outsiders were allowed, and since almost no one from their area would know about this local event, they decided it was perfect for a date away from town, where no one knew them.

"We really need to come to more festivals after this, you look amazing in a yukata." Daichi complimented, tracing down the seams of the light blue fabric with his fingers, admiring the lean but fit chest Sugawara possessed. The fabric was extremely soft, and the way it hung a bit loose gave Daichi an extra little glimpse at Sugawara's beautiful upper chest.  


He was so tempted to touch it, to ask Sugawara if they could go back to his apartment after and do _something_ , it's been over 2 months now after all, but he knew Sugawara was uncomfortable for the time being, so he hoped to give it at least a little more time. 

"You don't look to bad yourself. I mean, I never would have thought dark blue would be your colour." Sugawara charmed. He took a step closer to Daichi and pulled on the tie around Daichi's waist so their chest touched, wanting to meet his lips. But Daichi stopped him first, and Sugawara ended up kissing his palm. 

"Should we really be doing things like that in public, won't someone..." He started, looking around at all the faces.

"Daichiii," Sugawara groaned, the sound muffled by Daichi's hand. Pulling him back by the waist again, he shook Daichi's hand away. "c'mon this was your date idea! You're seeing all the new faces too right? No one knows us here!" He said happily, a glimmer in his eyes shining. "We can be a couple here, no one cares... now come here you paranoid dork..." He teased lightheartedly, leaning closer.

They shared a short but passionate kiss before pulling away, Daichi was smiling now.

_Mission accomplished_

Sugawara had a grin on double that of Daichi's, and was biting his lip to try and contain that child-like giddiness of his that Daichi absolutely adored.  
He grabbed Daichi's hand and pulled him along. "C'mon slow poke! You gotta play some games with me!"

 

All the way into late afternoon, Sugawara pulled Daichi along to all different games and food stands. Sugawara won most of them, he was somehow talented at trick shot games. Daichi didn't stand a chance. 

At ring toss, Sugawara had all 3 on a bottle on his first try, getting a small plushy in reward. When Daichi tried, he could not for the life of him get more than one on a bottle. He tried 3 times while Sugawara watched and laughed at his failed attempts.

"And I thought a regular volleyball player would have better skills." Sugawara teased.

"It doesn't work like that!" He shot back, embarrassed and frustrated.

Sugawara won first try on cork gun shooting, Daichi however....

"I suck ass at this Suga help me." He complained, trying for the 3rd time. Sugawara only laughed more, then, catching himself, he went in to assist, like the good mother he is.

"God if I don't help you we'll be here 'till the fireworks," he complained playfully. "here, lemme show you how it's done." He said. He then proceeded to wrap his arms around Daichi to the gun. He sat his chin on Daichi's shoulder, and wrapped his arms over Daichi's and held the gun over his hands. Then he spoke, his low voice whispering in Daichi's ear, sending heat through his body. "First, aim here... good, now make sure you hold tight, don't lose your grip and let it waver... that's it, make sure you're looking at it right, don't aim at the wrong spot... that's it." He finished with a proud whisper. He pulled his arms back and rested his hands on Daichi's shoulders for mental reassurance. This time, Daichi hit the ping pong ball.

"Yes! God, finally." He drags, putting down the gun and taking the prize. "Here put it in the bag." He instructs, handing it over to Sugawara. He had to buy a cloth bag to put all his prizes in since he won literally everything, Daichi had only 1, now 2 prizes, whereas Sugawara had 6... wonderful.

"Dude," Sugawara starts, laughing under his words. "you suck so much a festival games." He said, giggles fading. Slinging the bag over his shoulder, he took Daichi's hand and let him lead them to a cotton candy stand. 

"Don't start with me okay, I never thought I'd be this shitty, I'm not usually." He counters.

"Really? 'Cause you only won 2 things, one with my help, what would you win normally, 3?" He mocked, still laughing inconsiderately at Daichi's failures.

"I will not hesitate to leave you at this stand and take that walk by the river by myself." Daichi taunts, meaning every word as he glanced at Sugawara.

"Oh no I'm so scared, the person who sucks at all the games is going to take a walk of shame all by himself before he comes crying back to me to make him feel better..." Sugawara teases, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He stops walking and stands in front of Daichi, and he can't help but still snicker at Daichi's reactions to losing to him, they were too funny.

"Oh shut up, if anything you're going to come crying to me after you fail miserably at picking up goldfish." Daichi fires back. What can he say, he's a Captain, he's got a hell of a pride.

"And what makes you think I'll be bad at that after all these other games?" Sugawara taunts back at him, leaning closer and pulling on the neck of his yukata. 

"Hmm, call it a hunch." Daichi says with a low voice, leaning closer, and closer- and then pulls off walking the last meters to the cotton candy, leaving Sugawara there with his closed eyes. The moment Daichi pulls off, he opens them to see Daichi already at the stand, and laughing at his shock to seeing empty hands and no kisses. 

"What'd you do that for?!" He yells in surprise as he momentarily throws his hands up, walking over to Daichi. "I thought you were gonna kiss me..." His voice trails off and he kind of pouted about it. He took the oversized cotton candy Daichi handed him as he paid. Daichi turned and sat at a with him at a bench after.

"Don't start with that face you deserved that." He remarks. He pulled off a bit of the cotton candy in Sugawara's hands and put it in his mouth, letting the blue sugar melt on his tongue. The both of them taking bit after bit, slowly making the tuft diminish.

"Okay so maybe I did, but my mood's all sour now thanks." He retorted with sarcasm. That gave Daichi an idea.

"Then how about I sweeten up that mood for you?" He suggested. He pulled off another tuft of the blue sugar and rested his hand at Sugawara's lips, silently asking him to part them. When he did, he fed him the cotton and leaned forward with a smile. Sugawara closed his eyes, full intention to receive a sweet kiss to make up for before. Daichi leaned forward as well, _and kissed his nose_. Sugawara immediately opened his eyes.

"I swear to god if that's it and you don't kiss me on the lips right now...." His tone indicated complete disbelief, and he seemed deathly serious that he would probably kill Daichi if he didn't get what he asked for. 

Daichi only smirked and immediately took off in a run, laughing joyfully along the way. He glanced back to see a furious Sugawara throw down the paper cone and run after him. He was biting his lip to avoid laughing so he could seem mad. 

"Get back here and kiss me you damn tease!" He called stupidly, getting the attention of everyone around him.

"No way! You might kill me before I get to with your unnatural brute strength!" Daichi yelled back, laughing whilst out of breath. Everyone seemed to catch up on the situation at that point, and started to laugh at the stupid couple as Sugawara chased Daichi aimlessly around the stands.

 

It turns out Daichi's hunch was right. Sugawara couldn't get a single goldfish. That didn't mean Daichi got any though. The former was getting beyond frustrated at not being able to pick up a single fish, and Daichi was determined to beat Sugawara at something, so they ended up sitting there for a good 20 minutes trying. They looked ridiculous, 2 young adults sitting there for 20 minutes glaring death to the fish from complete and utter frustration at their failures while children lined up behind them.

"Ugh! Why can't I get this, we've been at it forever, I feel like I'll fail life if I can't do this." He complained, throwing his what, 50th paper net to the side, paying for more. 

"I know, I can't do it either, the hell." 

"You know this is your fault, if you didn't jinx me by saying I would fail, I'd probably have gotten 10 fish by now." He blamed.

"Nope, for the first time you suck just as bad as me at something." Daichi countered. After trying a couple more times, out of nowhere came a cry of joy. "Oh! I got one! Finally! Hah! In your face I beat you oh finally!" He cheered, way too loud might he admit, but who cares, this was a crucial moment in his life. 

"Wait you did what?! You got one? No way, you cheated." Sugawara was literally just in denial. 

"I didn't cheat, you're just jealous that I got one and you can't." Daichi huffed. "C'mon the sun's gonna set soon, we should go on that walk." Daichi offered, standing up with a hand to Sugawara. 

Then his face got all sad. "Wait, you mean I can't stay and get any fish?" He asked, all too innocently. 

Daichi only laughed at him. "No babe, sorry, you can't try and boost your ego any higher by the satisfaction of getting a fish, now c'mon." Sugawara then got up, admittedly a bit pouty at first but walked off happily with Daichi nonetheless. They handed the fish Daichi caught to a small child who was watching them, putting a smile on her face, they didn't really want another pet.

The thing was though, there was a little bystander who got lost and separated from his friends, and happened to see them. Nishinoya.

He saw, he didn't exactly know what he saw, but he saw. He felt a hand at his shoulder. "Asahi-san, did you know that Sawamura-san and Sugawara-sensei were friends?" He asked  
Asahi looked down at him, scrunching his eyebrows. "Where did that come from? Daichi isn't here, did you see Sensei?"

"No I saw them both just now, they were playing for fish, they looked pretty friendly... How are they friends, they shouldn't really be, and Sensei told us he just moved here before school started." Nishinoya explained.

"Noya, they probably just ran into each other here and thought they'd hang out for a bit, there's nothing wrong with that, right?" He reassured.

Finally, Nishinoya turned to him with one of his big smiles. "Mhmm! You're right, anyway we came here to have fun, we should let Captain be."

\--------------------

"Suga, what are you doing, it's this way get walking." Daichi calls, walking back to where Sugawara stopped.

"..."

"Oi what is it?" Daichi asked, now concerned.

"Uhm, before we go, and find a spot for the fireworks... Can we use the photo booth? I mean it's our first real date in over two months we should take some pictures right?" He rambles nervously, looking at Daichi hopefully. And c'mon, how could he turn down more of Sugawara's adorable giddiness?

"Alright, yea let's go, it'll be fun." Daichi agrees, walking toward it. 

They sat down side by side, taking a total of five pictures. The first one was normal smiling, the second was peace signs, the third was stupid faces, the fourth was a cuddle, and the fifth? Out of nowhere, Daichi pulled Sugawara down, holding his head in his hands and letting his back rest on his lap. Sugawara ended up kicking his legs out of the booth and grabbing at Daichi's shoulders for support in surprise at the sudden movement. Just before the click, Daichi leaned down and gave him a kiss, and he could feel Sugawara's lips quiver from holding in a laugh for the picture. 

The moment he pulled out away though, came a heartfelt laugh from Sugawara. He completely let go and dropped all his weight onto Daichi's lap and hands, laughing his heart out. It was a beautifully musical sound in Daichi's opinion, magical even. 

He was going for a good 30 seconds before trying to calm down. It was too random and ridiculous that he couldn't help himself, it was fun as hell too. When he finally did calm himself there were tears sitting on the corner of his eyes. "What the hell was that!" He asked in a happy voice.

"I wanted a picture of us kissing!" Daichi defended, about to laugh along with him.

"You could have just normally kissed me you know... but I guess you're much more extravagant." He said, another chuckle slipping past his lips. He untangled himself from Daichi and stood out of the booth, Daichi following, they took their pictures and walked out of the festival area, to a path encircling the place.

The sun had begun to set, and it was much quieter. The atmosphere was calm and peaceful. They walked in a comfortable silence, listening to the water and enjoying the calming sound. 

_Today was so fun... I wish I could go on dates with him all the time, but I guess I can live with a limited number, I mean if they're going to be as fun as this one... I wonder how Shadow's doing, she got mad when I said I was going to see Daichi without her, haha, damn cat... He looks so calm; his eyes look so nice in the twilight... I wonder what's going through his mind right now, I hope he had as much fun as I did... well I'm sure he's had better with other people... but... ah whatever... I'm just glad we got to go out together, and that I'm keeping myself together through all this_

A good ten minutes of walking later, they both sat down on a bench facing the water, away from all the festival's light, only the setting sun shining a bit of light on them. Sugawara kept their hands intertwined and held them in his lap, leaning his head down slightly to let it rest on Daichi's shoulder. But then he lifts it, causing Daichi to look at him in slight confusion.

"Daichi," Sugawara starts. His voice is soft and soothing when he speaks, as to not break the beautiful atmosphere. The wind blew by, leaving a nice chill and ruffling their hair.

"What is it?" Daichi asked in return, turning slightly to face him better.

"Thank you. For all this." He said with a smile, eyebrows curved in care and gratitude, his eyes showing no different. 

"Why are you thanking me, I didn't exactly do anything." Daichi said in a mellow voice. He was a bit flushed from the sudden emotion presented before him.  


"But you did though, maybe to you, finding a festival and bringing me here doesn't seem like much, but it's different for me. You know how risky it is, being out together in public, so you found a place where we could be together without looking over our shoulders. You played games with me and put up with my stupid goofiness, and you never once judged me for any of my actions, that really means something to me... and it was a perfect first date, I had the best time, best I've had in a while actually... I just, this is really important to me, the fact that you did this for me, for us, you need to know how grateful I am for that." After that mini-rant, he finally took a deep breath. He had Daichi's hand in both of his, his honey eyes glowed with emotion and he had the biggest grin painted upon his pink lips.

Daichi was speechless. He had no clue how to respond to something like that. Nonetheless it was full-out heart to heart time, so he came up with something. Of course he did, he's a captain, he's great with words, but he really couldn't shake the nerves. "Suga, I- well, you're welcome... I guess? You really don't have to thank me though, seriously. I did this because I wanted to spend time with you outside of that little apartment of yours-" Sugawara gave him a look right there. "that I love oh so very much." He rushed out. He then takes a deep breath, and calmly lets it out. He had so much he wanted to say, and he wanted to find the right words.

He held both of Sugawara's hands in his own, and pulled a leg onto the bench so he could properly face him. "Suga, I have to say something, so just, don't say anything ok, just listen." He instructed, Sugawara's nod being his cue to continue. "When you say that it's risky for us to be together, when we take a step back and notice that our relationship is so out of the water... I don't really care. That probably sounds naïve and stupid, like I don't know what I'm doing, but, I do. I chose this... After we got together, I undoubtedly had thoughts about how this could never work, but I like you too much to let you go right now. I chose to be with you because I couldn't bring myself to turn down my feelings for you, even if you didn't feel as strongly. You...you're so different Suga, in the best way possible. 

"You're only 23 and you're a teacher, and as one of your students I'm telling you, you're an amazing one, an admirable one. On the outside, you're this cute, flirtatious, yet professional and all around amazing person, which is who I saw in the café. But when I dug a bit deeper, you're goofy, funny, charming, compassionate, intelligent, loving, respectable, not to mention sexy as hell... honestly I could go on forever.

"I've had a rough time with romance in the past, but somehow you kind of brought me back from that. You are risking your newly gained respect in society just to be with someone as plain as me, I don't understand why you would, but I couldn't help but fall for you, and I'm still falling, deeper and deeper. I could definitely learn to love you. So you don't have to say thank you, I didn't do this for you, I wanted this, I needed to be with you in an environment where I could show you just how happy I am that you're in my life now, I was being selfish and I did this for me, so don't say thank you..." He finished off in a daze. Daichi got lost in his own words, he was blindly playing with Sugawara's long fingers while staring at their hands as he rambled about every good feeling he had for that beautiful silver-haired male before him.

This time, it was Sugawara who was absolutely speechless. 

_Daichi... I love you..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh, cliffhangerish ending right there soooo not sorry lol tsuffer and wait for the next chapter you won't see it coming. [no it was not a pun... if u understand wat pun would have been there...]
> 
> Ok but really I shouldn't have made Noya a prick but he is deal with it, but I couldn't deal with the cotton candy shit halp.
> 
> Aight no one cares about this see you in the next chapter bitches! Hope you enjoyed and leave a comment if you like!


	8. Chapter 8

_We washed away the pains of yesterday and you had run so very far away from here_  
_My eyes, they watched you go and all I know is that I never wanna feel the same again_  
_Do you think we could find our way back home?_

_-Way Back Home; Mako_

It was all wrong.

Everything.

The night hadn't ended at all like it should have.

It may not have been too big a deal, but Sugawara thought otherwise.

How could that happen?

How did he come to say that?

Why didn't Sugawara have a single acceptable word of defence.

It was so tense.

Sure they both pretended it didn't happen.

But it did.

The question had been asked.

Daichi was allowed to have his suspicions.

Sugawara was allowed to have privacy.

But that's not how love works.

You share your life with them, you tell them things you wouldn't tell anyone else, you let them see parts of you that no one else would, physical and emotional. 

Daichi did that, he showed Sugawara as much of him as dared.

But Sugawara didn't. 

Daichi had a right to question if Sugawara liked him, or was just...

Well, he's not there yet. 

It had been a week since the festival. A week of tension. Choppy conversation, no time at Sugawara's apartment, loose kisses with obvious questions lingering at the very lips touching Sugawara's.

He hadn't been to practice in a while. He was obviously invited by Ukai-san and others, but he turned them down with false truths. The real truth, however, was that he was worried of how to talk to Daichi.

He was so worried.

Daichi was completely understanding that night, but he was also hurt. By Sugawara. And he knows that. Sugawara knows that he hurt Daichi, even if Daichi didn't show it, or he didn't intend to. He just did, because he was selfish, and afraid, and felt vulnerable. 

For the past week, Daichi put up a front. He was okay on the inside, just... okay. Everything he said before he asked the lingering question, was true. In fact, those words weren't enough. He wanted more time, he wanted to say more, say how much Sugawara has affected him in the best way possible over the past months. 

But he had suspicions. 

Daichi was the kind of person that opened up to someone after he felt that he was trusted, and he could trust the other. He felt that. 

He felt at home around Sugawara. So he told him about his tough mother, the things that stressed him, things he didn't like, things he loved, insecurities he had, about his family and childhood. He told him about his fears, about the things he wanted to protect in life, things he wanted to accomplish. He was comfortable enough in his apartment, and being around him, that he could completely make himself at home and lounge around shirtless and in shorts. He let Sugawara initiate kisses and touch him as he pleased. He gave him sides of him that no one else saw, because he was falling in love.

He told him about the time in middle school when he got into a fight to protect a secret of his family that could have gotten out. The secret? His dad was homeless during part of his childhood, and it almost broke him, but he found his way back up. He made sure his family had a roof, and good food, that he could support his son through college and keep his beautiful wife happy.

It was deeply personal, and something only Daichi's family knew because of how tragic and personal of a childhood it was. But Daichi found himself to trust Sugawara to the point where he knew he could share the vague details of stories like that, and receive no judgment upon him or his family. 

There were also the little things they did for each other that brought this hard to gain trust Daichi developed for Sugawara. 

Things like, inviting him over and having fresh snacks, or a meal waiting for him. When it got too late, he would be dropped off at home by car rather than walking 25 minutes in the dark. That Sugawara would cut him a break and help him with homework even though he was the teacher. That he was never ridiculed for any of his stupid little tactics. 

Like if his work was correct but not neat, he'd have to fix it before turning it in, or he would not let Sugawara do the dishes if he was over. 

Those were all the social connections. He could also feel Sugawara, emotionally. 

Every time they kissed, he could feel the affection Sugawara felt for him. Every time he would go that bit further and pour his trust and love and heart into a kiss, Sugawara would come back with double. 

Every time Sugawara's hands made contact with his skin, he would feel heat spread everywhere, the place burning. His body would become warm, allowing him to pour more and more feeling to Sugawara. Letting Sugawara talk to him, kiss him, touch him, see him, feel him, letting himself talk to Sugawara, help him, be around him, it led him to believe that they felt the same about each other. That Sugawara felt the same trust and affection as he did for him...

But that changed.

All that changed. 

He has his suspicions.

Sugawara never let Daichi touch him, he never let Daichi go further, Daichi hadn't even seen him shirtless. Sugawara never told him anything about his childhood, nothing about his family or friends outside of Miyagi. He didn't know anything about him. Not his fears, his personal thoughts and opinions, past, body... he knew nothing. Sugawara had never opened up to him, had never let him see a side of him that no one else would see. But Daichi did. So now he felt like he wasn't trusted, which altered how he thought, how he felt.

And no matter how understanding, how stupidly trusting, how happy he had been, it didn't change the fact that he was hurt, and confused. 

**_Festival night _ ****__**

Daichi... I love you...

_Sugawara remained speechless for a long minute. The world was spinning around him, a spur of endless colours filling his head._

_Red for love and affection. Yellow for pure joy and happiness. Blue for trust and faith. Dark purple for confusion. Black for the mystery he had yet to solve for how on earth Daichi could say such beautiful, delicate, and breathtaking words to him, and completely mean them._

_The emotions he felt in that moment were indescribable. Not even he understood what it was that he was feeling. He only knew, that Daichi was the one and only light in his dark, dark world. He brightened up his life, brought him back to live for something. And no matter what happened, Sugawara knew that he was deeply in love with Daichi from that moment forward._

_"Daichi... Sawamura- you... why on earth would you say something like that, I do not deserve that. Daichi you do. You deserve to hear those words, not me." He told, closing his hands tighter on Daichi's. His eyes presented love and desperation._

I don't deserve him

_"Then tell me." Daichi replied, matter of factly._

_"I don't understand..."_

_"Tell me why you think you don't deserve to be cared for. Tell me the words you want to say. Tell me what you feel for me if you think I deserve to hear it. Tell me why you believe you can't be loved or cared for, why you've been so hesitant to say that you can fall in love with me. I want to know more about you Suga, I want to see you." Daichi grasped at Sugawara's hands, turning his and his own hands white. His eyes showed confusion, affection, desperation, happiness, devotion, frustration. It was so complicated, all of it._

Daichi... I can't tell you that, you'll break up with me for sure. You may think you care for me now, but if I tell you what you're asking for, all the clouded glass will be wiped clean, you'll see everything behind it, and shatter it. This will be gone. And I don't want that.

I love you. I love you. I love you so much. And I'm selfish, I'm afraid, I'm weak, I'm not a good person. You shouldn't fall in love with me. But I love you. I need you. I am living for you. I'm too scared to lose you... but I might lose you if I don't tell you... except I will definitely lose you if I tell you... should I tell you???

What if I tell you everything, and that I love you? I'll say it and you'll be disgusted by my hideous body, by my hideous past, by my hideous words, by my hideous life, hideous heart, hideous mind, hideous values, by the fact that I'm such a weak and stupid person that I'd fall in love with you to the point that I breathe for you.... Meanwhile you are normal and have connections, and a damn brain, so you know that you can't love that fast... You'll hate me, I'll lose you forever, I know it. I'm too selfish and scared out of my mind to say anything...

_"Daichi... I...I don't deserve to be loved, I know I don't... you can't change that, and that's okay, it's how I am..." He pauses to give Daichi a sad smile. "But you do... you're beautiful. Yes I know you're a boy and it's not traditional to call them beautiful, but you are. All of you, you are loving, strong, independent, reliable, you are prideful but not cocky, you know what you want in life. You're humorous, passionate, smart, and that's all on the inside. On the outside, haha, you flirt, you're hilarious, you know how to make a person's day better, a perfect Captain, not to mention the stunning eyes, perfect body. You are a beautiful person and you deserve love. Real, actual, true love." He finally, took a deep breath after the little monologue. He was looking down at their hands, unable to meet his eyes. He took Daichi's hands and began to wrap his hands around them, to hold him, but Daichi pulled them back and pushed his hands to the bench._

_"Why do you say that? I don't like that Sugawara; I really don't like that. You say things like you shouldn't be loved, you don't accept my words when I say good things about you. Why.... Why do you say that?" His tone was harsh, perhaps he wasn't mad, but he was beyond frustrated, he didn't understand. He couldn't bring himself to understand why Sugawara would say something like that._

_"Because Daichi! Just- because! I don't think that, I know that, I don't deserve things like that okay, so don't say it... I won't be able to take it if you say it... you have no idea how amazing it feels to hear you say that about me.... But that's not me, I'm not as amazing and strong as you think I am, you're seeing a fake version of me... I don't deserve the things you're saying..." He slowly started to lose confidence here, all those memories were flooding back, he was remembering why he hated his life. His voice was small by the end of his explanation. He slowly began to move his hands away from Daichi's._

It's all wrong... why is he talking like that, why does he want to know, he'll just hate me after, why Daichi. You should have left it alone, maybe we could have been happy together for a little longer, but now? It's over, you're gone, I'm going to lose you and I can't do anything about it. Maybe we have a week at most, then you'll leave me, leave me like everyone else had, and I'll slowly begin to resent you for it. 

And I'll hate myself even more then, because my heart will still be held captive by you, even if you don't know it. But you... oh you won't feel regret for leaving me at all, you'll be glad you never got deeply involved in the first place, you don't love the fake me just yet, so it's best to leave it here isn't it?

_"I don't understand that though... don't you pull away from me now Suga... why are you insecure about yourself, why won't you tell me what happened to you that got you this way, why won't you show me the real you?" The previous frustration was still there, but Daichi's tone was much softer. He could tell that he was hitting a tense spot, and he didn't want to be harsh on someone that he cared for so much. He just wanted to protect him, help him, be a part of his life._

_Sugawara took a deep breath. He collected his words, he needed to wait, maybe he would tell Daichi, but he needed more time, just a little more time..._

_"I uhm, I can't tell you that Daichi, my life isn't... it hasn't been the best, it's all a mess and I can't tell you, it's too bad to speak about, it's too personal and heartbreaking, I'd rather not tell you..." His confidence was gone, every last shred of it. His voice was so small, barely audible over the waves. He just broke right there and then. He couldn't defend himself in the slightest, he was killing himself from the inside out, being here. He'd dug his own grave getting involved with Daichi, then falling in love with him. He felt horrible right now, all his secrets tumbling back in one moment, not being able to tell the one he loved about his personal issues in fear that he would lose him. It broke him from the inside out._

_Tears stung the corner of his eyes as he looked down, and it took all of his will to prevent them from falling._

_Daichi didn't say anything for a while. His mind was wandering to every possibility as to why Sugawara was like this right now... but that's when he put it all together. That he never once heard a thing about his past, friends, family, childhood, fears, loves, insecurities, he never once saw his body past his arms, was stopped the first time he tried, and they never spoke of it again._

_Finally, he looked up just a bit, bending to see part of Sugawara's strained face. He spoke in a quiet voice, not wanting to break everything more. Then he asked the one question that was lingering in his head for the past couple weeks..._

_"Sugawara... do you trust me?" [insert magic carpet ride]_

**_Present_ ******

_I couldn't answer you, the fireworks went off right then, I never got the chance. I didn't want to bring it up on the train ride home. First because I'm a coward, and second because you were holding my hand and I'm selfish._

_Why on earth would you ask something like that anyway... of course I trust you, you're the only person I trust right now, I trust you with my life. Why would you ask that? Why am I such a coward that I didn't bring things up later on the train. Why did I end up crying, and have you comfort me when you are the one I hurt? I'm such a bad person, I only bring despair and anger wherever I go, I am a burden to any and everyone aren't I? I guess things never change..._

_Daichi's been nice to me about it though, he still talks to me, and holds my hand, gives me little kisses on the cheek when he can, but I can see it. I can see that he's hurt and confused, that he wants to ask me questions again and again until I answer him, but I can't, if I'm going to lose him anyway, I'd rather that happen without him hating me and even transferring out of my class..._

Over a week of tension later, Daichi was going over to Sugawara's place again. He'd asked Sugawara if it was possible, and of course he went and said yes. If he said no, he knew that would only hurt Daichi more, and he didn't want to hurt someone he loved even more that he already had. 

He was kind of relieved. Daichi had done the work for him. He thought it even more disgusting of himself that he was happy that someone else took another step for him. He was just glad that they were still talking, maybe Daichi would let it go. But then their relationship would be built on lies and false truths, secrets, and that shouldn't happen.

That's why Sugawara dreaded having Daichi come over. Sure, on the outside he was ecstatic about it, but he had that lingering thought, and it wasn't leaving. He knew something would go bad today. 

He just didn't realize that something else would go wrong, not at home, but right now, in his classroom.

It was third period, and he had his second year class. He had already delivered the lesson and most students were working on their individual work. There was quiet chatter among them, leaving Sugawara catching little snippets of funny conversation, or discussion on the work, giving him something to focus on aside from his current issues. 

He always had fun at school, whether he was the student or the teacher. He just had a passion for literature. Writing, reading, understanding the words of an author. Analysing thoughts, being able to decipher different styles, and looking at how writing had progressed and changed through the years. It fascinated him to no extent, it was one of the things he enjoyed most in life.

Being in a classroom, teaching about something he was so deeply passionate about to hungry minds [or not so hungry -cough- Noya] day after day. It really helped him take his mind off things for a while. Of course it didn't work all to well during his homeroom class, but he could bear with it. 

Words were so fascinating. The way an author used them to create so many different stories, real or fake. Any other person could create a new life somewhere in that page, and let you live their life. Words were magic, they had the power to take you away from your own life, let you enjoy something that couldn't exist in the real world, but were the foundation of a story. They could be used in music, news, facts, and Sugawara's favourite, in fiction. They were the most beautiful things in the world.

Reading new words, understanding different points of view and different types and styles of writing from each individual author, it brought him an indescribable joy. He would often get lost in his own words while teaching. He would start out explaining the underlying message behind a line, and end up talking about how the author would have wanted you to feel this way from reading that page, all in his opinion of course. Daichi told him it was favourite thing about his class, watching him get lost in his own happy world. Writing could always be interpreted in different and unique ways, which was his favourite thing about it all, he couldn't help running off in his mind.

So becoming a literature teacher was basically a dream come true. He couldn't have picked a better occupation. 

So for the moment, sitting in his chair, watching each and every student try their best to succeed in his class, made him feel a nice warmth in his heart, it made this day just that little bit better. 

He really wished it stayed that way.

The bell rang, signalling lunch. He watched as the noise level slowly rose, as well as the students to go back to their classroom. He was about to get up as well, on his way to buy something, he woke up late that morning and had no time to make food if he wanted to take a jog to school.

He was about to walk out when an unnecessarily loud yell came from no more than 6 meters from him. 

"Suga-senseiiii!!!!"

It was Nishinoya's voice. How could it not be? He ran up in front of Sugawara and stood in front of the now closed door, like a guard. He had that signature big smile of his on too.

"What is it Nishinoya?" Sugawara asked politely, his own fake smile painted on. "Did you need extra help on the assignment?"

Nishinoya closed his eyes and shook his head. "Mm-mm, not that, I'll do the homework later, maybe, I had a question for you!" He seemed excited for something.

Sugawara took a step back, his eyes crinkled a bit in confusion. "It's a personal question?" His tone sounded a bit on edge, he needed to approach this cautiously. 

Nishinoya nodded his head. But he was smiling, he didn't look like it was too serious...

 _Does he know something?_

"Uhm, ok. I'll see if it's anything I can answer for you." Sugawara tried sounding calmer now. He found himself adjusting and readjusting his bag strap due to nerves.

"So there was a matsuri near Matsushima last week! I think I saw you and Sawamura-san there! Are you guys' friends?" 

_Oh no. Oh hell no. He was there?!? Who else from Karasuno could have been there?! He was there?!?!_

"Nishinoya, what did you see? I don't really know how to answer you. I moved here a couple weeks before this year started, I didn't really get the chance to meet too many people." He didn't have a valid answer just yet, so he stalled. He needed to know what it was that Nishinoya saw to make sure they were safe. But he was definitely internally panicking right about now.

"Oh! I got lost and couldn't find my friends, so I started looking for them and I saw Sawamura-san talking to someone by the goldfish catching. It was you so, I started wondering if you two were friends!" He asked such a dangerous question so easily, if this escalated, if he said the wrong thing, Nishinoya could start to assume something else. 

_I can't believe he saw that! What if we kissed right then, what if he was close enough to hear us flirting? Was anyone else there? Who are these 'friends?' Did they see too?! I need to fix this, ok Koushi think, lie...lie... lie... what's a lie people would believe if Nishinoya told other people about this?..._

"Oh, the goldfish, I remember that now." He started, keeping his voice as steady and believable as possible. "I was at the matsuri with my parents, they were visiting you see, I thought I'd take them out and let them see some of Miyagi. I happened to see Sawamura struggling by the goldfish alone and thought I'd try and make some conversation, we aren't strangers after all! My parents had wandered off, I met up with them again just after that!" He finished strongly with a nice smile. That was as good as it was gonna get to be honest.

"Oh, I just saw you guys alone together and thought it was kind of weird... But you guys just happened to see each other huh... ahhhh sorry sensei." Nishinoya seemed genuinely sorry that he made a mistake interpreting the situation. It made Sugawara feel horrible for lying to a student as his teacher, but he was also relieved that their secret was safe. 

"That's okay! As long as you understand, I'm fine. Just make sure you turn in that assignment on time and all will be forgotten, okay?" He lightened the mood by patting down his head firmly, like he does at practice when Nishinoya does something well.

Nishinoya closed his eyes and smiled, accepting the gratitude. "Yes sensei! Come by practice soon okay?!" He finished, running off to another classroom. 

Sugawara let out a breath that was building up in him. He let out a bit of the stress with it. That may have ended off well, but what if there were other students there, he knew there most likely wasn't many, but Nishinoya mentioned friends, in the plural. 

If they happened to see Sugawara and Daichi together during other parts of their date, it could be disastrous. The entire situation only put more worry and stress on Sugawara's already distressed and exhausted shoulders. Definitely did not help that Daichi would be coming over later.

Meanwhile Nishinoya ran up to the roof, looking for a particular someone who was waiting for him alone. "Asahi-san~!!"

\-----------------

The rest of the day, including waiting for practice to be over, helped Sugawara calm down just a bit. Once school was over, he had taken a nice slow walk back home, allowing the fresh air to help ease his mind. He didn't think about Nishinoya, or others finding out, he didn't think of his personal issues, or the tension with Daichi. He was thinking about nature, how it forms and reforms and grows in its own, undisturbed cycle. He needed that peace for 35 minutes. 

Now he was sitting in a simple grey t-shirt and black sweatpants at his study. Shadow had been crawling around his feet and pawing at his ankles. At first he rolled up the sweatpants, but she just wanted some attention, so she was curled up his lap receiving pets from Sugawara's left hand while he worked with the right. 

It was approaching 7:30 now, but Sugawara didn't pay attention to the time. He was working intently on marking reports, which was both a pleasant and unpleasant task for work. They were interesting to read, but they were extremely time consuming when he had other work he had to finish as well, which often led to late nights, on top of all his issues.

Amazing.

Just as he finished marking one, there was a soft knock at the door. Upon hearing the sound, Shadow jumped off his lap and ran her way to the door, curious to who could lie on the other side. It brought a small smile to Sugawara's face as he walked to the door. 

"Hey Shadow~... I missed you..." She had immediately jumped into Daichi's arms, awaiting her hello, once she was satisfied, she hopped off and flaunted her way back to a post. 

"Uhm, hey..." Sugawara greeted quietly, he was undoubtedly nervous. 

"...Hey..." Daichi replied just as hesitantly, a small smile showing in attempted comfort. He took off his shoes, leaving them on the provided mat, and left his bag not far. He followed Sugawara's example and flopped his tired body onto the couch. 

He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "What were you working on just now?" He asked quietly, trying to break the tense atmosphere. It worked to some degree.

"Oh uh, just the reports from the second years... how did you know I was working exactly?" He asked just as softly.

Daichi turned from his position and pulled a pen from behind Sugawara's right ear. "You have a habit..." His eyebrows were curled up, as if he were apologetic that he had to break the news. 

Sugawara looked at the pen, then back at him, his hand flew to his ear and he ruffled his hair on reflex. Though he ended up laughing with Daichi. Taking the pen form his hand, he threw it to the coffee table and spoke. "I had no idea I did that so often, my bad." Sugawara said with another light chuckle.

"It's not bad... it's cute." Daichi countered. He wasn't lying, but Sugawara could tell. He could tell that they were blatantly avoiding the conversation they should be having. But he didn't push for it, if they were talking, that's okay in itself, there was no point in starting a flame war in that moment.

As if on cue, Daichi's fake smile dropped right then, however. His brows crinkled in thought.

He's thinking about that... if he should bring it up... why can't I bring it up, why can't I defend myself, why don't I have a valid reason to ask him to wait, so we both don't end up with broken hearts after he leaves, why am I such a coward, don't I know how to change? Is it even possible for me to change? 

Daichi didn't say anything. He only sat quietly, looking away from Sugawara, thoughts circling in his mind.

Sugawara couldn't bring himself to look at Daichi when he next spoke. "Was this a mistake?" His voice was quiet, really quiet, almost as if he thought that if his voice melded enough with the air, he'd disappear right with it.

"What?"

Sugawara replied in the same quiet voice. "Was this a mistake, do you want me to take you home?" There was a slight pause, no movement or sound. Sugawara let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

Suddenly, Daichi reached out to take Sugawara's hand, but the moment it made contact and Sugawara noticed the gesture, he pulled his shaky hand back and stood up, heading to the kitchen. 

Daichi sat dumbfounded, watching Sugawara from the couch as he poured himself a glass of water. Shadow witnessed the incident from her spot on the cat post, and deemed it a good time to be a comforting figure. 

She hopped into Daichi's lap and gave him something to do with his hands. Sugawara stood facing the counter, and spoke as loudly as he dared in his horribly nervous state. "Daichi... do you want to stay here... or do you want to go?"

Both of them knew. That single, normal question had two meanings. That they would either work through whatever it was that this is, or he would leave, and it would be over, no questions asked. 

There was no answer, only a small shuffling sound. Silence again. Then Sugawara felt two arms wrap around him from behind. He froze immediately. His entire body felt warm within seconds, the place where Daichi's lips touched his neck burned with desire. He felt Daichi's larger hands on his chest, and moved his own above them. 

Slowly, he let out a breath and turned around in his arms to face Daichi. When he looked at his face, his brows were furrowed in thought, his lips were tight, and his eyes...

_He's so conflicted, he's so hurt, he has no idea what to do right now.... He looks like he's about to burst with a million questions, like he's about to yell at me 'till his throat goes raw... but he also looks like he doesn't want to break us anymore than I already have, like he just wants to stay like this and not say anything..._

_Why on earth is he still here, all I'm causing him is pain, he needs to go... he needs to go before this gets any worse, I can't let this happen to him.... What do I do what do I do what should I do? ... I can't... I don't know what to do, he won't listen if I..._

Sugawara backs away from Daichi, going as far as he can before he hits the counter. He's filled with panic now, every wall he built to stop this state of panic and confusion from happening right now is broken. 

Every issue he's had in the past couple weeks, including the stress of his past, on top of Nishinoya earlier, everything piled up and crushed him the moment he saw just how much he hurt Daichi, it was breaking him, again. He couldn't believe he hurt another person. He never wanted to do that again, he promised himself he wouldn't get close to anyone, that he would no longer be a burden to another person he loved again, he swore to himself he would never do that, but now he believed that that's exactly what he did. He couldn't deal with it. 

His breathing quickened, and he soon became short of breath. He clutched at his chest, feeling discomfort in his heart. His hands trembled and he started sweating heavily. His entire body became hot and he couldn't stop shaking, he couldn't catch his breath or lower the discomfort of his chest.

He was having a panic attack. 

Daichi removed his arms from his waist and laid them on his cheeks. "Suga, calm down please, take a breath!" He was extremely worried now, he'd never experienced a panic attack nor witnessed another, but he knew he had to calm Sugawara down, in any way possible.

"Suga, stop! Listen to my voice, stop looking down, look at me, listen to me, you need to control your breathing, hey! No don't turn away, let me help you!" He yelled in desperation now, he needed Sugawara to listen to him, but for some reason he refused. 

Sugawara tried to speak, but came up coughing in his state instead. He was sweating even more now, his body heating up from the panic, his eyes glazed over and his breaths quickened even more. "No... I- I'm---I'm fine..." He barely got the words out before he collapsed to the ground.

"Don't speak! Take a deep breath! You need to control your breathing, calm down, and lower your heart rate before you try to do anything else! Why won't you look at me! Let me help you! Trust me!" He was so desperate, desperate to calm Sugawara down, make him listen, help him, make him trust him. He couldn't stop the yelling thought in his mind. 'Why won't he listen to me!? Why won't he trust me!?'

Sugawara looked up for all of two seconds, and opened his mouth to protest, but instead, he received another pair of lips.

Instantly Daichi moved forward to kiss him, and shut his mouth, not giving him a chance to do anything. He held Sugawara's arms down tight, and rested his knees on Sugawara's so he had no choice but to be restricted there. He held the kiss for about ten seconds before pulling away, and loosening his grip just a bit. 

Sugawara took a breath and looked up angrily. "Why did you do that? I told you I'm fine!"

Hearing that pissed Daichi off even more. "You're not fine! You were having a panic attack! I kissed you because people usually hold their breath when they kiss and that can help control your breathing when you come back!" He yelled, more frustrated that Sugawara wouldn't listen rather than anger. 

The moment he finished yelling, all the anger seeped out of Sugawara's face and he felt immediate regret. "Oh... I thought... uhm, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were helping me... thanks... I- I'm feeling better now, the attack stopped..."

Daichi sighed, mostly relief, partial annoyance. "Good, that's good. Here- stand up..." He offered, helping him up by arm. Grunting a bit at his weight, he pulled him over to a seat on the island. 

Sugawara immediately collapsed in his seat, leaning back on the counter. Daichi moved forward to feel his forehead with the back of his hand, it was still warm.

"Hey, you're still sweating heavily, it is really hot in here... take off your shirt." He told, reaching for the hem of the t-shirt.

"NO!" The moment he felt Daichi's fingers graze his hips, Sugawara jumped up and ran in the opposite direction. He wrapped his arms around himself at the waist and looked down at the floor.

_No! We're already broken, I'm already broken, he can't see, he can't see, he can't see, I won't let him see, I don't want him to hate me, I won't be able to hold it together if he hates me, he can't see..._

Daichi took a step closer, but Sugawara only distanced himself that much more. "Why!?! Why no! What the hell is your deal?!" Daichi yelled, furious at the scene presented before him. 

"Don't yell at me! It's nothing! Just leave it alone!" Sugawara yelled back, still looking down.

Daichi was fuming now. "Don't yell at you? It's nothing?! Are you kidding me?! Do you not understand how completely ridiculous this is?!? It's not even our social status that's odd, it's the level of communication!" Daichi was full blown yelling, he was utterly furious, he took step after step towards Sugawara. "Do you know how confused and out of it I've been?! I don't know anything about you Sugawara! Nothing! Not family, childhood, friends, high school, fears, insecurities... you know the kinds of things people who are in a relationship tell each other! I literally just touched you earlier and you had a fucking panic attack! You wouldn't let me help you and you got pissed when I kissed you! You don't trust me with anything! Not you're life, personal issues, family, body, nothing! I've told you about so much, my family, friends, secrets, I've let you touch me and see my body, I've let you into so many parts of me that not a single other human has seen, including my parents! Meanwhile I look like the moronic side guy who's too trusting! I don't understand Suga! Why don't you trust me!? What did I do? Just tell me what I did so I can fix it instead of hurting you!" At this point, Daichi was no more than a foot away from Sugawara, his voice getting more and more desperate as he continued to yell. 

Tears pricked at Sugawara's eyes, he wanted to just sit there and cry his heart out, let every single emotion out there, but he couldn't, he was confused too. "Who the hell told you that you were the one at fault here!? Who the hell said I don't trust you!? I trust you more than I trust anyone in my life right now! Daichi I care about you so so so much, why do you keep saying that I don't trust you!? Why do you keep saying things like that?!" 

"How can you possibly say that you trust me?! I just told you! I know nothing about you! I get that you care about me Suga I do, I know you do, I can see it... but Suga, I can't- I can't help but feel... like I'm being used..." His voice drastically changed from loud and angry to soft and insecure, his lip was quivering...

He was trying not to cry. "and I don't wanna feel like that because I know you're not that kind of person, I know that you're not using me I know that, I know that you care about me, I feel that too, but- but..." He paused, taking a deep breath and collecting himself. "So earlier, you wouldn't let me see you shirtless right? I can accept that, if you're not ready to let me see your body then that's okay, I have nothing against that if it's uncomfortable, I'll let you see me and touch me all you want but I will never force you okay. 

What it is that I have a problem with, is that you never tell me why. You never tell me that you're insecure about it and what caused that insecurity, or you're embarrassed, or you just plain don't want me to see it and why that is. You won't tell me, let's say in the instance that you're insecure, why are you insecure? Who said what to make you go down that road, what about your mom and dad? What about some friends? Or how about you tell me what it is that scares you. Not jump scares, but real fears, like, being alone or being sad. You don't tell me anything, and honestly, if you told me why you don't tell me anything, if you had a valid reason other than 'I can't tell you' or 'you don't understand' I'd even be okay with that. But you don't, which makes me think that you don't trust me." Daichi paused again, a tear had flown down Sugawara's cheek, his lips were trembling, his cheeks were reddening, his hands were shaking. 

He was horrified.

He never once realized the extent to which he hurt Daichi.

He never knew he could be this low of a person. [low as in shorter than Kageyama like stop it you're not a bad person wtf me]

"Sugawara, you should know that you are an amazing person, one of the best people I've ever met in my mere seventeen years of life, and I am falling in love with you. Right now. I am. Please don't believe that in any way are you a bad person, you are amazing, please believe me, even if you don't trust me, just believe me, and I would give anything to go back and undo... whatever it is that I did that led you to this mistrust. But I can't live with myself if I continue to be this strain on you by saying things like this... that first day, in the classroom when you first agreed to be with me... I made a promise to you. I said that I would protect you, from whatever it was that you are so afraid of, but I couldn't keep that promise... I'll continue to hate myself for failing you. As long as this goes on, you're going to continue hurting because of me... and I can't have that." 

Daichi's voice was full of sorrow and guilt. He felt that everything that had happened to this point was his fault, when in reality it was neither of theirs. He wanted to stop hurting Sugawara, but little did he know that he was the very person that put Sugawara back together. 

He leaned forward, he closed his eyes, and lightly kissed away the tear that rolled down Sugawara's cheek, cherishing every moment of the feeling. With that final kiss, he turned and slowly, soundlessly walked toward the door. He put on his shoes, and when he bent down to tie them, Shadow was there, purring at his ankles, grabbling at his jacket, Shadow didn't want him to leave. 

He sniffled a bit. "I gotta go now girl, okay? I won't be around here for a while... you should go to bed girl, its almost 9... that's a good Shadow..." He finished, standing up as Shadow went off to bed. He was about to reach for the doorknob when Sugawara grabbed his hand from behind. 

"Please don't go!" His voice was trembling, but he tried as hard as he possibly could to hold it together.

"I have to... Please let go of my hand..." Daichi said quietly, unmoving. 

"Please... I'm begging you, don't you leave me now!" He pleaded in return. 

"I can't do that..." Daichi finished sadly. He pulled his hand away and walked out, shutting the door behind him. 

Sugawara completely let go. His hands fell against the closed door, he dropped his head onto it and clenched his fists, tears were pouring out of his eyes in a waterfall. 

_Stop him! Open that door! He's right there! You know he's still leaning against the other side of that door! You know he's waiting for you! Move your hands you coward! Fight for him! You're in love with him, you love him! Stop him! Pull him back in here and tell him everything! Force him to believe you trust and love him. Do it! Move hands move! Why don't you do anything you insolent wimp!? You bastard move! You hurt him so damn much and you don't even do anything to alleviate that pain he's feeling?! Because of you!? He's waiting Koushi he's waiting take him back move hands move... why can't you be as courageous as your fucking cat?! She tried to stop him! Why won't you move?! Please... just move... just protect the person you love for once instead of hurting him..._

He couldn't. 

He couldn't do anything. All he did was yell. He pounded on the door and yelled his throat raw for a good 30 seconds. He yelled out all his frustration and anger, all his despair and sadness, all his self-loathe and confusion. Then he slid down the door and sobbed, he cried and cried, yelled more, sobbed and choked more. He hugged his knees and just cried, hating everything, hating his life, his body, his whole self, he wanted to die, he wished he could disappear. 

But he couldn't. 

So he sat at the door and cried. Shadow came and tried her hardest to comfort her best friend as much as she could. She tried licking him, meowing and talking to him, cuddling, sitting on his head, all the things he enjoyed to do with her. But he only cried.

He cried, wailed, whimpered, hiccupped, yelled, weeped, sobbed. It was all he knew what to do when he was alone. 

He was four, nine, fifteen, seventeen years old, hurt, disappointed, hated. And now here he was, twenty-three. Alone. He was alone all over again. Somehow, history continued to repeat itself. Somehow, he was always alone and afraid, even though he never wanted to be. 

He wished there was a way. A way he could stop going around and around over again, in his little circle of fear, hatred, and loneliness. He wished he could find a way out of this hole where he was too afraid to open the door, but at the same time wished another would break it down. 

And how that broke him even more. He found it loathsome that not only did he not have the courage or strength to open the door, but he wished someone else to break it down for him.

Just once did he allow himself the briefest of luxuries. One where he could imagine the ghost of Daichi's arms around him, holding him. That perhaps... perhaps he could be there. Just maybe, he with his large, stronger arms, his gorgeous smile, his reassuring presence, large chest, taut with muscle and tan skin, warm eyes, deep, husky voice...

Just maybe he could be with him, maybe he could be with someone who finally made him feel like... like he belonged.

But that was only a fantasy in a black hole known as the mind.

Because he was still yelling, still sobbing, still whimpering in his impenetrable circle of pain.

It was around midnight when he ran out of fluid. He was sitting in his own pool of despair against the door, in complete silence. Shadow fell asleep in an uncomfortable position in his lap while trying to help him, so he lugged his broken body up and carried his best friend back to his bed. He didn't have the power to do anything else, so he did all he could in that moment; make sure his one and only best friend was comfortable. He lied down beside her and wrapped an arm around her small body in an attempt at personal comfort.

It didn't work.

The worst of it all was...

Daichi was sitting on the other side of that door, silently dropping tears all the way to midnight.

He _did_ wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--------------------------------  
> heh... eheh.... heheh... -hides behind Asahi who betrays me and runs away- ...gomen
> 
> GUYS I PROMISE I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE IT THIS ANGSTY
> 
> but I did... lol sorry it gets better soon 
> 
> dudes I had so much fun yesterday, like I volunteered for commencement and like damn good job school I didn't know you were this good at ceremonies I'm looking forward to that shit- lol if I graduate pray for me
> 
> AND OMG HAIKYUU- FUCKERS-- LISTEN  HERE- SEASON 3 IS GONNA B- LIKE- GUYS- I DONT- I CANT- MY HEART- I CANNOT FUCKIGN COMPREHEND- THIS FUCKIN SHOW- MY HEART CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH
> 
> ANYWAY next chapter'll be up soon!
> 
> Comment if you liked, it really makes my day! Or don't its up to you lol.
> 
> See you bitches soon!
> 
> -Sam


	9. Chapter 9

_If I told you this was only gonna hurt_  
_If I warned you that the fire's gonna burn_  
_Would you walk in?_  
_Would you let me do it first?_  
_Do it all in the name of love_  
_Would you let me lead you even when you're blind?_  
_In the darkness, in the middle of the night_  
_In the silence, when there's no one by your side_  
_Would you call in the name of love?_

_-In The Name Of Love Lyrics; Martin Garrix [song was so lit for a while yo]_

Neither of them went to school the next day.

Sugawara called in that morning, saying it was a personal issue.

Daichi called Ukai and told him he wasn't feeling very well, they both agreed in the thought that he should rest up for the day and come back full game the next day. 

His parents were a bit harder to convince. He said the lack of sleep last night was really getting to him since it was a common thing, and after ten minutes of debating, he convinced them to go to work and let him stay home.

They didn't really do much. Sugawara tried to force himself into work, but after about five minutes, his mind would stray and he felt like crying again. Halfway through the day, he gave up and played with Shadow while watching random things on TV. 

Daichi... well he didn't exactly leave his room the entire day until he absolutely required food. He sat listening to music the entire day, sometimes he felt like crying, sometimes he felt like yelling. Other times he wanted to do both. He didn't do anything.

The next day wasn't much better.

Everyone was seated in their respective spots with only a single chair left empty, it belonged to Daichi. Sugawara was just about to start reading a passage to start the lesson when the door slowly slid open. 

"Oh Sawamura, I'm glad you could make it. Go ahead and take your seat, we haven't started yet." Sugawara tried as hard as he could to keep his tone flat. He had a hard-to-keep fake smile painted on, and his voice was shaky and breathy, but it passed.

"...Sensei, do you mind if we talk for a moment..." Daichi's voice was barely audible, he spoke so softly. Most of the class heard him though, and all eyes were staring holes into him. He was looking down in discomfort.

Sugawara slid the door shut behind him. "What is it..." They never met eyes.

"I... This is pathetic but I can't sit in this class for two hours right now, can you just... may I please have the chapters and assignment for the day?" He spoke quickly, trying his best to get it over with.

Sugawara's breath hitched in his throat. 

_He can't even sit in my class... he does hate me huh... haha, I saw this coming, why am I sad... I'm sure he'll transfer; I'll have to ask the other teachers during break about that..._

"...Oh... s-sure, uhm. Read thirteen to sixteen, we're doing something with seventeen in class tomorrow though... but... never mind that- here." He finished, handing him 3 sheets from his pile.

Without a word, Daichi took the sheets and walked away. His lips were quivering, he had his eyes drooped to prevent tears forming, he could barely breathe properly. 

Sugawara stood for a second, watching his back as he retreated. Then he remembered his class and turned around.

Another day.

A short brown-haired girl made her way to Sugawara's desk. "Sensei, I'm not sure if that was a good paragraph to be reading from for this question, but would this interpretation work?" 

Sugawara took a moment to skim through her explanation. "That works just fine. If it helps, I'd say you could try re-reading page 68 and see if that changes any of your thoughts." He suggested.

"Ok... and um, Sensei?" She inquired, continuing at Sugawara's nod. "I noticed you seemed a bit down the past couple weeks... and just now you looked a little teary..." Her voice got quieter as she went on, making sure she didn't bring attention to herself. 

"Oh! No! No no that's okay Nana, don't worry." He tried to reassure. He never thought his emotions were so present on his face when he wasn't teaching. 

"Are you sure? We don't want you feeling down Sugawara-sensei, if there's anything the class can do to help, you should tell us, we don't want our favourite sensei feeling down after all!" She said with a sweet smile as she walked away.

And another day.

Sugawara took the quiet of everyone working on an in-class assessment to read through some reports of the short story they'd read the other day. He'd come across Daichi's about halfway through class.

_...and it seems like trust had been a major issue for Kurumi when it came to Hasashi. The main problem had been that they didn't have proper communication which is what led to the girls' death. He never told him about the idea, which is why Hasashi never had the chance to say anything to their friend. Because of past actions, Kurumi got the wrong idea and felt if he told Hasashi, then things would get worse, but that lack of trust led to their downfall..._

Tears immediately pricked Sugawara's eyes. It had been a number of days since he felt the urge to do so, but that... that was a bad turning point. The entire interpretation was about lack of trust; he couldn't help his watery eyes. Each and every word hit him so desperately close to home. Each and every word reminded him of the very words Daichi said to him that night, he remembered them so vividly. 

He hurriedly wiped at his eyes and blinked quickly, removing any evidence of the tears, only tinted cheeks being left behind. 

"Ok! So hopefully everyone is done by now! I'll call you up by the class order to hand them in. And do not forget your name, I don't care if I know your hand-writing, you're all third years you should remember that by now!" He called to everyone, keeping his voice as steady as possible, he'd gotten quite good at it. People began packing up and a light chatter started as he called out the names, pausing a moment between each.

"Karame! Fumiko! Hashiki! Asahi! Akemi! Hachirou! Emi! Sawamura-" There was a small blue note in the corner of Daichi's assessment.

_**\- Don't you dare cry in class, don't you make that face ever again. I can't take that, I was about to burst myself, don't you do that to us. -** _

_Well... he sure knows how to make me want to cry even more._

Sugawara didn't get any work done at home that day.

It went on like that for a month. 

They didn't talk for a month. Little episodes repeated themselves over and over again. The only times they saw each other were at school. There were no words exchanged, only looks. There were times when Sugawara would find himself staring at Daichi's working figure, waiting for the moment when he would look out the window or glance up at the board so he could catch glimpses of his eyes. He would watch how Daichi worked, swiftly and quietly, just as he always did. He was always one of the firsts to hand in work, he would finish quizzes first and sit patiently at his desk, being respectfully quiet to the others. 

There were moments when Daichi would abandon his work and find himself watching as Sugawara continued to write notes on the board while everyone worked. He would watch each and every movement. How Sugawara would just barely lift the chalk between kanji, trying his best not to repeatedly tap and disturb students. How he would so smoothly move his arms to underline a title. How his fingers so loosely yet expertly gripped the white dust. He watched how a first-time teachers' writing improved, little by little, as he got used to writing on a board. 

Everything and anything Sugawara did, Daichi would notice. Anything and everything Daichi did, Sugawara would notice.

Something that Daichi would never get over, was that one day when he witnessed Sugawara on the verge of tears at his desk, he was looking down, as if in shame that he felt the need to shed tears. He turned his head away and hurriedly wiped away the tears as if they were something to be sorry for, something to feel guilty about.

It broke him even more, to think he was so hurt that he was brought to tears in class. Not that he was one to say so as he was on the verge of tears everyday, and they only held back by the distraction called class, and his passion for volleyball.

Though, that one moment, those unshed tears, took him all the way back to that night. The night he sat on the other side of that uselessly thin door, listening to each and every sob, cry, yell, every bit of hurt and fear, as it spilled out of Sugawara all at once. Daichi remembered it vividly, every word, every cry, every bit of heartache. 

He listened to Sugawara as he broke, as all his mental walls shattering to bits. He listened to the wails, the yells, as if Sugawara was a young child who injured his knee. He sounded like a broken child. 

It pained him.

It hurt him down to his core. Knowing that Sugawara was going through so much pain, hearing his fallout, cry through sob, pained him more than anything else had. Ever. It struck him, and he endured that pain as he would the pain of knife stabbing through his guts, or a bullet piercing through his heart. 

Because that's what it felt like. Leaning against that thin barrier between them, he could hear every shuddering breath, he winced at every hiccup, every wail. 

He wanted to tell him everything. How he was right there, waiting. That he would love him and be there for him. That he wasn't alone, that he didn't have to sit alone in his apartment sobbing over whatever past had been dug up for him. 

He wanted to yell as loud as he could, until his throat went raw, to make sure Sugawara heard, that he would be person who would be close with him, who would help him. 

Hearing Sugawara's pain, the way he took shaky breaths that were interrupted by hiccups, the way he wailed and the way he tripped over his own tongue when trying to form words to speak to Shadow. The way he would begin to quiet down, only to erupt in howls all over again... all of it made him wonder.

When was the last time Sugawara was loved? When was the last time he was intimate with someone? How long had it been, since he felt close to someone, since he had someone to curl up to and watch stupid movies 'til they fell asleep on each other? 

Was that why Sugawara was so desperate? Did he know that eventually, they would break?

Daichi knew. He knew that any chance he got, Sugawara would show his love and care. He would get meals, he would be entertained, Sugawara would always be cuddled up to him on the couch. He poured his love into kisses and hugs. That his touch was never just a touch, it was everything he was feeling being physically given to Daichi by contact. Sugawara had always taken each and every chance to show Daichi just how much love, care, affection, loyalty, appreciation, and respect he held for him.

Sugawara craved love. He wanted that gentleness from someone, that emotion and tenderness, that closeness. He wanted it so bad, yet resisted it himself. He was given the chance to tell Daichi, to let him in, to let Daichi love him, but he ran. Instead of love, he chose to run, he chose to keep his issues to himself.

Not only was Sugawara afraid of love, or more-so, afraid of being hated, he was afraid that he was a burden. He felt he was undeserving of love. 

Daichi wanted to tell him that he was wrong, he was right there. That he didn't have to cry alone, that Daichi would share his tears and lessen the pain. That he would love him and do anything for him. That he would be there eternally. He would love and care for him so much, that he would never get a chance to remember what that pain felt like. That pain he was feeling on the other side of that door. 

The only reason Daichi walked out that door, was because he felt he was causing the one he cared for more pain. And all he wanted to do was quite the opposite; eradicate it. So when he walked out that door, and heard the first yell, that first cry from the other side... 

It devoured him. That pain struck him right in the heart, he couldn't move. He couldn't leave, he couldn't leave the one he loved to cry alone, and walk away so heartlessly. So, he waited, stood facing the door, bringing his open palms to rest against it, wanting so bad to move his shaky hands to break it down. Leaning his forehead on the wood, his heart ached. His entire chest filled with pain to hear the one he loved cry so desperately. 

He wanted so fiercely to hold Sugawara, to be his support, to be his lover, to be the one Sugawara would come running to if he needed help. All he had to do was open that door. All the had to do was let him in, to the apartment, to his home, to his heart. 

But he didn't. He didn't because whatever pain he had gone through in his life all led to his self-hate, insecurity, low self-esteem, low self- confidence. Something in his life hurt him so much, and that pain had been endured, and endured, and endured... until it could no longer be so, and it all broke down for that long three hours that he sobbed his one and only, strong little heart of his, right out of his chest.

And knowing that, knowing, that all Sugawara had to do was open that door, knowing that he had such little confidence, such great fear of doing so, knowing he had faced such damaging agony... that took away Daichi's soul. Little by little, his heart, his spirit, it was crushed, because the one and only human he wanted to protect was in misery, and he couldn't help.

Not if he wasn't let in. So he stood, and cried with Sugawara, shared his misery in any way he could, so the burden wouldn't find the need to only weigh down Sugawara's shoulders. 

At what point, did he end up curled on the floor? At what point did his legs give out? At what point did the wailing stop and silence take over? Or was he just too engulfed in his own pain and misery to notice if Sugawara retreated further into his apartment?

He had no answers. When it began approaching one am, he hauled up his worn, broken, mess of a body, and walked his way home. He let the cool air chill his burning eyes and face, fill up his sweating body with cool air. He let it calm him as much as it could, though it was very little.

He was broken, in his own way, and the only one who could fix him was Sugawara.

Sugawara was broken, and the only one who could fix him was Daichi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope the wait for this wasn't long. I know it's a bit of a shorter chapter, I just made it to try and focus on some inner thoughts to give a better idea of what's going on in their heads, some reasoning so you guys don't get pissed at anyone but me lol.
> 
> The next chapter will be up sooner since this was so short, and it's longer too so dw. 
> 
> But you guys.... you know how I write chapters in advance right, so currently I'm writing chapter 13 while I post 9.... I CANT  
> FUCKING WRITE IT THE WRITERS BLOCK IS SO HIGH IM SO GLAD I DID THIS ADVANCE THING SO U GUYS DONT HAVE TO WAIT  
> CAUSE OMG I CANT WRITE THIS NEXT PART FOR SHIT SIDHFIFOIW
> 
> -ahem- boi I'm so done here hopefully this was good gimme a comment or some feedback if you've got the time, it'd make my day!
> 
> See you bitches in the next chapter.
> 
> -Sam


	10. Chapter 10

_To have everlasting sorrows and open seams, but also you;_  
_How happy I would be to smile and say, "It was for the best..."_  
_Everything before me seems to blur and dissolve;_  
_A flood of miracles wouldn't be enough..._  
_Because you called my name..._  
_Is it all right if I call your name?_

_-Aine Kuraine [Eine Kleine]; Kenshi Yonezu [English Translation]_

The past couple days had been heavily cloudy. A storm was coming.

It perfectly matched everything Sugawara was feeling.

Things never really got any easier over time, though they had fallen back into regular routine. Daichi could stand coming to class and properly focusing, but his mind was always thinking about Sugawara, if he would ever open up, if they would ever be together.

The same went for Sugawara. He was constantly at conflict with himself. He was still too scared of taking that next step, he had no idea how it would go. He thought, perhaps it was for the best, he wouldn't have to be a burden to Daichi. He would be safe, and live out his own life, the life that had so much potential and happiness waiting ahead. 

That was only one reason he was hesitant.

Honestly, he was simply too ashamed, too scared, and too self-hating. He was ashamed of revealing all the horrible things from his past, all the things that had put him to shame time and time again, broke him down further and further. He was too scared that he would get confirmation that Daichi hated him, and if that happened...If Daichi ended up hating him...

He was too scared to relive such dangerous and scarring memories. He hated them too much, along with himself. He hated how he was never strong, how he could never do anything, how he let everything hit him so much to the point where he just could not break out of this fear cycle, that he could never take the first step.

He was ashamed that he was that weak as well. He didn't want Daichi to know just how spineless and pathetic a person he was, especially when Daichi thought so highly of him in the moment. 

He tried his best not to dwell on it, to not even consider doing so. He wanted to let Daichi live his life, be his own person who wasn't weighed down by him, who didn't have to deal with this trivial responsibility that was Sugawara. And perhaps they did get together. Daichi would still have to deal with this secret relationship, which it in itself was a huge strain. 

He thought of himself as worthless, that his only use in the world was to teach, an even so, how many of these students would even remember his name in 10 years' time? Would he even have impacted their lives in any significant way? 

Despite that, it was something he had such a huge passion for, and he would continue to feel tied to teaching, obligated to do something he loved. If he couldn't show his love to the person he felt for, he would at least give himself some worth by teaching young minds, and in some way, try to guide them towards a good path in their future, regardless of how well or poor they did in the class. 

This, however, was something Daichi never understood. He could never see why someone as marvelous as Sugawara could ever feel like he was a burden, that he didn't deserve love. Daichi thought Sugawara deserved more love than any other. Daichi wanted to love him and shower him with affection, he wanted to force the pain to disappear. That's why he could never bring himself to think, what on earth happened to such a sweet and strong person, that broke him down that much? The way he cried that night... people don't cry so fiercely unless something agonizing happened to them. Learning how much pain and conflict was constantly flowing through Sugawara made him back track and analyse everything between them so much more.

Every time Sugawara smiled, was that him putting on a façade? Was he only smiling to hide the darkness that sat within him? Every time they talked, somehow it happened that Daichi would be the one to fill the room with words, while Sugawara added commentary, whether it be caring or funny. He always seemed to keep the conversation on Daichi and never himself.

Was that just a means of protection, or was he just naturally that good at hiding himself? 

If something so painful happened to him, how did he manage to smile ever so beautifully, every day when he saw Daichi? How did he manage to be in a relationship so flawlessly, make dirty jokes and tease so expertly, be the cutest person and laugh so musically? Be so strong and happy, and remain as such each and every day? How on earth did he manage to be the angel Daichi happened to lay his eyes upon that one chance day in a book store?

He contemplated so many things all the time. Day and night. Whenever he had a moment to himself, his mind would always drift off to any and everything Sugawara. 

It ate him alive. It broke him further and further to know that he wasn't good enough. That he failed to keep his promise, that he was never such a person to Sugawara, that he would trust Daichi with his secrets. With the things that hurt him so much.

All Daichi wanted was to wrap his arms around Sugawara and never, ever let him go. Never let him face pain anymore, at least not alone. Yet the very fact that he failed to do so, that he failed to gain Sugawara's trust, that Sugawara didn't see enough in him to confide in him about his past, and allow Daichi to fulfil that one wish he had, that broke him more and more as each day passed. 

It haunted him, as much as he tried to convince himself that he was getting better, that since his volleyball and academics were going great that he was doing fine personally, it just wasn't the case. 

He just wasn't okay, he just kept getting worse and worse. His thoughts about how he failed his love continued to haunt him every night he went to bed, every day in Literature, every time he chose to sit alone during break. 

So here he was, sitting alone on the roof. He was sitting with the team earlier, but Sugawara had been walking by, laughing happily while talking with another teacher. Oh how desperately did he want to be the person that brought that lovely smile to his face.

Before his eyes had the time to glaze over at the sight, he excused himself and ran to the roof, wanting- no, needing some time alone. Even ten minutes to gather his thoughts would be enough. 

His fantasy didn't last. He heard footsteps clang through the door over the quiet breeze. Once it opened, Asahi was the one to emerge. Daichi immediately knew what was going to happen.

Asahi would pester him about why he had been acting so strangely, and he would deny, just as he did every other day Asahi asked, then Asahi would ignore that and continue to list off all the weird and out-of-character ways Daichi had been acting, and Daichi would deny, but today he wouldn't, so he decided to skip all those steps.

He had been contemplating for weeks now if he would tell Asahi about this, he never found the right time to tell him, but this was the perfect opportunity, and Daichi needed help, he needed advice from his best friend, so he was going to tell him, no matter the reaction he got.

As Asahi seated himself cross legged in front of Daichi, Daichi's face twisted in a mixture of shame, fear, discomfort, and defeat. 

It was quiet for a moment; the wind blew by leaving their hair to ruffle and change its previous form. Daichi's nails dug into his palms as he slowly took a deep breath, and shakily exhaled. 

"Asahi..." He tried, but his voice wouldn't build, he needed to calm down more, he was still panicking and hurt from the scene just minutes ago. 

"You know you can tell me Daichi, you know you can, so stop hesitating. This isn't you... You are my Captain; you never waver and you know exactly what to say and when. The one with the glass heart is me, not you, so tell me, I'll help you in any way I can." At no point did Asahi's voice waver, nor his eyes. He remained strong when he needed to be, his presence was larger than Daichi's in that moment. He had complete faith that Daichi could do this, and he made sure his Captain knew as much. 

Daichi had to take a moment to marvel at how strong Asahi could be when he wanted to, and apparently, this was one of those moments, Asahi was being strong to return the favor of Daichi always being strong for him.

"I lied to you." He began, taking another breath. "At the beginning of the year, you remember just before school started, I met someone? His name is Sugawara Koushi. I met our teacher one day at work, and we just clicked. I never told you this, but we sort of um..." Daichi's voice got a bit quieter from the embarrassment of having to tell someone about his make-outs. "We sort of made-out, so when we found out about our social standing... we decided to go through with the relationship, so you were right those months ago, I was—in a relationship with our teacher." He finally admitted. His voice broke a bit when he forced himself to say the word 'was,' but now wasn't the time for sugar-coating. 

Asahi's next words completely blanked out his mind regardless. "I know." He stated, as if it was nothing. 

Daichi's eyes widened and his breath caught in panic. "You-you know?! How do you-"

"Daichi," Asahi interrupted. "I know. I never believed you when you said it wasn't him in the first place, and only a little while later did I get confirmation." He explained.

Daichi was still leaning forward in shock. "What do you mean by confirmation, Asahi explain." Daichi ordered.

"Do you remember the first time Sugawara-sensei had come to practice? You gave me my jacket the next day, what I didn't tell you was that I headed back for it... I heard you two in there, laughing, messing around, touching each other, even the way you spoke to each other. It wasn't teacher-student behaviour, then I saw you kissing, and everything fell into place from there..." He explained softly, not wanting to seem too harsh, understanding the touchy topic.

"I can't believe... I had no idea that- if it had been anyone else but you..." Daichi spoke mostly to himself, but then something clicked in his mind. "Wait, if you knew, for all that time if you knew, why didn't you say anything, to me or anyone else, why did you..." 

Asahi let out a breath, then matching it with a small reassuring smile. "You were happy. I heard you two together, you were both happy. I can see the way you look at him in class, and the days when you didn't walk home with me... he makes you happy, happier than I've seen you in years. I could never take that away from you. I figured you didn't just make a careless choice, that's not who you are. You both met outside of school with no information about the teacher-student thing, it wasn't your fault. You know how to handle yourself, it simply wasn't my place." He explained, he had a genuine smile present, Daichi mirroring the expression. 

Honestly, how could someone have such a good friend? 

"Thank you, Asahi. That means a lot to me-us, well- me 'cause he doesn't know... but thank you." He stumbled out. 

"That's no problem, I'll protect your relationship with my soul," He half joked, chuckling softly with Daichi, but that's when his expression turned grim. "but that's not what we're here to talk about, it's only part of it..." He said.

Daichi's smile disappeared, replaced by sadness and glazed eyes. "Oh... so you remember that part too huh..." Daichi looked down at his hands, unable to meet eyes. 

"What happened?" Asahi inquired, curious.

"...I don't think there's a relationship for you to protect anymore." He said faintly, his voice shaking. His hands began to tremble just that bit, and his lips quivered violently, forcing him to literally bite back tears. Asahi tried not to stare, but honestly, it was hard. Daichi _never_ cried, at least not in front of another, seeing this sight was more than a shock.

"Daichi... what happened between you?" He asked in disbelief, he didn't expect the problem was that they broke up.

Daichi couldn't speak for a while. His mind was muddled with thoughts, the vivid crying that etched it's way out in Sugawara soothing voice echoing in his head, all his horrible words he said prior to. His voice was inaudible when he attempted to speak. "I hurt him..."

Asahi leaned forward. "What?"

Daichi snapped his head up, glaring into Asahi's eyes through his heavily glazed ones. "I hurt him! I broke him... it was a month ago that I started this. I started to question why I never knew anything about him, about his family or childhood or anything, and that was the worst thing I could have ever done to him! I yelled at him about why he wouldn't trust me because of what happened before! And that was so fucking moronic! So damn stupid... I didn't help him, I questioned him, and hurt him, and caused him pain, I didn't protect him like a promised, I didn't do anything Asahi! I walked out that door and stood there in the hall for over three hours while he sobbed! He sat in his apartment and wailed like a child for three hours after I yelled at him! And now we haven't talked for a month and it's all my fault! I wasn't good enough to gain his trust, I wasn't good enough for him to confide in, I didn't do anything! All I did was let him go and let him feel even more pain than he already went through in his life! And now he has no one and it's all my fault!" He yelled each and every word forcefully, truly believing every bit of it. His voice was strong yet weak. He meant everything, but those very words he said broke him further because he believed they were true. He didn't mean to yell, but al his built-up frustration came out right then and there naturally when he was in the presence of his friend. 

He didn't let any tears fall just yet. He had a hard expression, brows furrowed, eyes wrinkling and his mouth a flat line. 

"Daichi... I had no idea that... how did it get this bad, why haven't you talked to him?" Asahi asked at gently as he could, trying not to sound accusing, that wasn't his intention in the slightest.

"I don't know how it got this bad..." Daichi answered, his voice quiet and small again after he caught himself. "I can't talk to him Asahi, he won't let me in, he won't tell me, he doesn't want to, or he can't, if I try to talk to him, I'd only be a pain, another wound he has to deal with..." His voice was so faint now, he had no pride or confidence in this moment. On the court, he couldn't help be a prideful captain, someone his team could depend on, it was etched into his soul to be a leader. But every inch of him, every emotion and heart, changed when it came to Sugawara.

"Daichi, you know you need to talk to him... you know how it feels on the other end of the spectrum, you know what it feels like to want love from someone... from someone who doesn't love you. You have been in Sugawara's shoes before, so don't do that to him. It sounds to me like he has been waiting for someone like you, he's probably afraid thinking you hate him right now. Daichi, this time is different, you both have feelings for each other, so talk to him." Asahi told, staying strong, he needed to be there for Daichi, his Captain was so selfless when it came to everyone on the team, and even so in general, he had to be strong in this moment where Daichi couldn't be. 

"I... I don't know what to do... I don't want him to push me away, I want to be with him Asahi." This was beginning to damage him beyond repair. "All I want to do is help him..." He paused, a single tear had flown down his cheek, he made no motion to wipe it away, there was no point. "I love him, I love him Asahi, so much..." It was the first time he ever admitted so out loud, he said it quietly. "but he just won't let me in, I don't know how to protect him..."

"You're an idiot, you know that?" Asahi told bluntly. He watched unamused as Daichi looked up in a death glare, confusion spilling over.

"What?" He asked, giving Asahi a chance to take those words back. 

He doesn't. "You're an idiot. All this talk about protection and he won't let you in. Have you even told him that you love him?" He paused to see Daichi shake his head, and immediately let his head hang. "My god, Captains shouldn't be this dumb. Do you realize that you're running from this chance you have Daichi? He is right in front of you, he needs you, and you are so hung up on this guy, you've probably loved him for a while now and just now realizing it... listen, at this point in your relationship, how do you feel about what you said to him that night?" He asked calmly.

"How do you mean?" Daichi returned, still confused as to what Asahi was getting at. 

"It's been a month since you said what you did, you guys haven't talked in a month and you're saying it's because of what you said, because you yelled at him about wanting to know about his past. So now that you've been fighting, now that you've had to feel this... defeated, do you still want to know about everything, or do you just... just want to be with him?" Asahi explained, asking more clearly. He approached the question calmly, cautiously. He needed Daichi to understand just what was going on around him, the things his blinded and injured eyes couldn't see.

Daichi kept quiet for a moment, thinking, forming an answer. He had no idea he felt the way he did until Asahi brought this up. "...I don't. I don't care anymore; I don't care if he has secrets... I just want to love him; I just want him to let me love him..." He was looking down, talking more to himself that Asahi, he hadn't realized this on his own. He never thought about it that way until now.

"I thought so..." Asahi replied faintly, he had a couple more questions, but he needed to word them right. "Do you honestly, truly believe that he doesn't trust you? Can you think of anything you might have done that would have caused this 'lack of trust' you claim is happening here?" He asked.

Daichi's brows furrowed in thought as he backtracked, wondering if he had done anything big to lose Sugawara's trust. He found nothing. "No... I don't really think I did... He even said that I didn't but... I didn't believe him because he still hadn't told me anything..." Daichi looked down shamefully, now that he was properly processing things rationally, he started to believe Asahi when he said he was an idiot. 

"So do you really think he doesn't actually trust you?" Asahi pushed further. Daichi answered with a small shake of the head. 

"So think about it like this," Asahi began, pausing to properly collect his words. "Maybe he hasn't told you anything, not because he doesn't trust you, but maybe because he doesn't trust himself. Or perhaps he's afraid that after he does, you might not like what you'll see on the other side. Why can't you stop being an idiot for long enough to see that maybe, just maybe not everything is your fault? Why don't you realize that maybe he's keeping you at a distance because he doesn't want to be a burden to you, maybe he's not telling you anything because he's afraid you'll leave him?" Asahi pushed and pushed with his questions, raising his voice just that little bit more with each passing word, getting aggravated at his friends' blindness.

"But he's not a burden! I would never leave him no matter what his past is, he could have been a hooker for all I care! I just want him to let me be there for him! But he keeps pushing me away!" Daichi shouted back, he had all these feelings inside that were being so misunderstood, he had no idea what to do. He got even more confused, and a little scared, when he saw Asahi fuming before him. "What?!"

"You're such a damn idiot! How the hell is he supposed to know all that! Why the hell are you telling me!? You think he'll magically know that you don't care and you don't think he's a burden?! He probably feels obligated to tell you everything because you're a couple, and then you went and said that you wanted to know and pressured him! So maybe he cried for hours because hewas conflicted!" He paused to take a breath, having yelled for so long, but he wasn't done. Despite his usual nature, something about all this pissed him off. "You just did your damage and didn't say anything else, you didn't tell him that you love him and you wished to hell that he would open that door instead of crying behind it. You didn't tell him that you no longer care about his past and you just want to be there. You didn't tell him anything, so you don't get to feel broken and sad because you never took any steps to fix what a mess you both made. He doesn't know how to approach you because he is clearly scared of himself. You need to talk to him, you need to take the first step and tell him how much you love him, he needs reassurance from you that you will be there no matter what, no matter he tells you or not. He needs to know that. Because as of right now, he has no idea if you hate or love him, he has no idea if he can tell you or not tell you, and still have you there with him, supporting him. Daichi, he doesn't want your protection okay, he wants you, and only you, and I can't believe you've been so blind that you couldn't see that. I'm begging you here, talk to him, tonight, tell him everything you told me." [this has been, in which the stupid kid gets the question right]

\--------------------

The sun was just about set, but it didn't really make a difference on the ground due to the thick hanging clouds. That storm would be coming any day now. 

Sugawara was walking slowly, nearing his building now, through the approaching night, letting the chilled air calm his nerves. He'd been on edge the entire day. It didn't help that when he passed by Daichi, he up and ran away. He felt more and more reassured that whatever it was that he and Daichi had, he went and screwed it up. 

Each passing day they didn't talk made him feel worse and worse. He couldn't tell Daichi anything, he could never ease the pain he caused Daichi, he would never get the chance because he was too much of a baby to take the first step. 

He pulled out his keys with a good chink, pushing a small silver one into the lock. Walking in, he found Shadow already asleep, her bowls both empty. 

Instead of cleaning up after her immediately like he might've two weeks ago, he threw off his shoes, leaving them in whatever disarray they managed to land in. He dropped his book bag on the counter with a thump, letting the books topple out as they pleased. 

He walked over to the fridge and pulled out a drink, downing a quarter in one go.

_It's Friday, why not, I really need to take the edge off tonight_

He dropped the glass bottle on a mat so the noise was hushed, then proceeded to walk to the coffee table. There was an empty glass and a bottle just next it from last night. He didn't even finish half the bottle out of consideration of his future self, but he didn't feel like cleaning last night, so he did it now. 

It was a miracle in itself that Shadow didn't knock it off anyway. 

He'd taken his first real drink just over a week ago. Obviously, he'd treat himself to one here and there before, but now he was doing it on purpose. Losing Daichi had taken a much larger toll on him than he first anticipated. 

A couple nights into their 'separation,' he had a dream about Daichi, and honestly it was really unexpected, he barely ever dreamed.

_They were still together, and Sugawara was happy. It was dark in his room. He was shirtless and sitting on Daichi's lap, everything exposed for Daichi to see, but he wasn't pulling away, wasn't unwrapping Sugawara's trapping legs from his waist and walking out the door, he was laughing. He sat there, his own arms wrapped around Sugawara's waist, just being there._

_Sugawara didn't know what was so funny about... whatever it was that he said, but Daichi was laughing. He was unbothered by anything that Sugawara thought for sure he would be. Daichi's shirt was unbuttoned too, courtesy of Sugawara and his teasingly cold fingers. He leaned forward and captured Daichi's lips in another sweet kiss, giggling into it when he felt Daichi's short nails repeatedly graze his hips._

_He hummed against Daichi's lips before pulling away. "Don't tickle me, you know I'd rather those fingers were somewhere else~" He suggested in a low whisper by Daichi's ear._

_He nuzzled into Sugawara's neck, letting his lips and breath tickle him there as he spoke brazenly. "I'd just love to put them elsewhere, but I think you should go first, your fingers need the warming up after all..."_

Just as dream Sugawara began to move his cold hands blindly down Daichi's hot body, his phone went off in an annoying chime. He sat up abruptly, harshly running a hand through his hair and pushing it off his forehead. His entire body was hot, burning, as if that exact dream was taking place. 

He was reminded just how much me missed Daichi, just how much he wanted to tell him everything, and be loved by him.

He never wanted to have a dream like that again. So instead, he opted for work, more and more work. He had late night after late night. He marked things quicker, he finished preparing lessons faster, had assignments and quizzes finished days in advance. But even in what little sleep he would get, something would remind him of Daichi while he was at home. 

Maybe he'd see a TV show that he and Daichi used to watch. Maybe he'd still have a dream about the two of them together. Maybe he'd open his wardrobe, and find some of Daichi's clothes there. Maybe he'd look down to find that he accidentally wore one of Daichi's sweatshirts. Maybe Shadow would paw at the door every time something went knock in the hall, assuming Daichi was behind the door. 

Everything reminded him of Daichi, and it didn't help that the person he loved was right there in his class, everyday, just waiting for him.

It wasn't long after that when he took a drink. Not as a treat, no, he took this drink for a purpose; he needed to take the edge off, he wanted to forget, even if it was only for a couple of hours. He had maybe none to half a bottle on school days, Friday's and Saturday's were the days he had the most. Two bottles usually, but there were days when he wanted more, the most he'd had was 5. 

_We're beating that record tonight_

It was approaching eleven when he downed the last sip of his fourth bottle. He was walking toward the trash to dump the now empty and useless thing.

_Heh, guess me and glass bottles have a lot in common_

He popped another one open when there was a knock at his door. In his drunken state, his mind [un]fortunately did not have the power to think about who could potentially be on the other side. He took another sip on his way to the door, unlocking it and sang a 'come in~' as he flopped down on one of the two stools by the island. 

His pink face and drooped eyes watched as the door opened and approached...

 _Daichi... Daichi?! What the fuck is he doing here?!?_

He didn't yell on the outside though. Instead, he swiveled on his stool to face Daichi better, keeping a hard look. He had no intention of letting his disorderly mind spew out all his thoughts over the past month. It wasn't really his choice though, but he was trying.

He put down the bottle, receiving a soft clank in return. He folded his hands in his lap and swung his legs stupidly. "Hi." He said, for some reason his voice wasn't steadying. He had no idea why on earth Daichi was here and had no idea what to say. His mind was off in Neverland and he was all loopy and overall confused, so having Daichi here right now was just not his pick for the night. 

"Hey..." Daichi replied just as, if not more, nervously. "Suga... are-are you drinking?" He asked quietly, he'd never seen Sugawara drink before, it was an odd site for him...it worried him.

But for some alcoholic reason, that question only gave him more brass. "Yup! It's my fifth drink of the night!" He said excitedly, then he hushed his voice, as if what he was saying was a secret. "You know, I'm trying to break my record of five on Friday's, I just have to finish two more and I win." He giggled lightly at his own words, wrapping his lips around the glass for another sip. He didn't get a second to gulp anything because the bottle was ripped out of his hand, making some of the liquid spill on the counter. 

"Hey! I need to finish that!" He yelled, reaching his arms up to grab at the bottle that was bring held captive above Daichi's head, well away from his current reach. Failing, he slumped down and pouted, resting his frowning cheeks on his hand that was supported by the counter. 

"Don't sulk, you've had enough for tonight, why would you drink so much, I've never seen you with alcohol before." Daichi asked, wiping off the mess and putting the bottle out of his reach.

"'S 'cause I don't drink in front of underage people, and I didn't have a reason, it's bad y'know, can't be influencing you... hey Daichi, don't drink underage okay, listen to sensei, he never did." He said, using what was known as a 'teacher voice.' Enforcing his roleplay was a hand pointing an accusing finger at Daichi. 

All of his nonsense talk flew over Daichi's head, all but one thing. "What do you mean you never had a reason, what's your reason for drinking now?" 

Sugawara pursed his lips in a somewhat playful thought. "Hmmmm... probably because its more fun than thinkin' 'bout you... or us, or have dreams about having sex with you, or having fantasies... or maybe I like it 'cause I forget what I'm supposed to thinking about, which normally goes along the lines of 'should I tell himmm, should I nottt,' like, who wants to think about their depressing life constantly." He flipped off. 

"Suga... you've been drinking because of me?" He asked, alarm and shame evident in his voice. He couldn't believe he was the reason Sugawara put himself in this state. 

"Noooo not because of you, 'cause I can't stop thinkin' 'bout you~. And besides, I wouldn't call it drinking per se, I only have like- half a glass on school nights." He explained sloppily, gulping the extra saliva gathering in his mouth. "It's only today that I'm actually drunk." 

That didn't really make it any better for Daichi, he was still part of the reason Sugawara did this to himself, it pained him to see Sugawara in such a state. He sat down on the other stool beside Sugawara and turned to face him, a loving and concerned look drawn into his eyes. "Suga... hey," Daichi spoke delicately, Sugawara was vulnerable right now and he had no intention of making things worse. He may not have been totally wasted, but he was definitely in the low-mid stages of drunk.

He had so much to say. All through practice, all the way home, all the way here, his mind was just running through all the things he wanted to say, as if he had a perfect speech ready to drop the moment he got here.

But he was speechless. Just for the moment, he had no words, because Sugawara was right there. He may have been drunk, but it was Sugawara.

Sugawara with his soft silver hair, and that one little strand that refused to stay down. Sugawara with his beautiful honey orbs and his angelic smile on his soft lips. Sugawara with his long, lean arms, still fit with muscle, complete with his smooth chest, all the way down his long, gorgeous thighs and legs. He was finally there, in front of him, after all this time. He was so unprepared, completely unaware that he would be so affected by just seeing Sugawara up close again. But he had to get through this.

Daichi leaned forward, he brought his hand up to Sugawara's face, his knuckles brushing on his jawline before Daichi rested his palm there, rubbing his thumb over the soft pink skin on his cheek. 

Sugawara leaned into his touch, feeling safe for the first time in a long while. His eyes closed, his droopy remarks stopped, he just wanted to feel Daichi's caring touch after so much time apart. He let out a hot shaky breath, the now less prominent smell of alcohol winding by. 

Daichi brought his other hand up and ran it through Sugawara's ever so soft silver hair. Pushing it off his forehead, he leaned forward and tenderly pressed his lips there, closing his eyes to savor the feeling. Sugawara drifted closer, wanting to feel Daichi's strong presence again. 

He was reliving just why he had fallen in love with Daichi in the first place. Daichi slowly moved away from his forehead, trembling. "Suga... how've you been lately... what happened that night, did it really mess you up this bad?" He couldn't help his shaking, his nerves wouldn't leave him alone, he was too anxious. 

Sugawara placed a hand above Daichi's on his cheek, wrapping his own around Daichi's larger one. "I haven't been drinkin' 'cause of you okay. I jus' needed to take the edge off, I told you I'm not drunk all~ the time, it just so happened to be today that I'm..." He explained, his tone light and understanding, despite his little slurs. It was reasonable for Daichi to think he wasn't doing so well, having seen him like this. 

He pulled Daichi's hand down and held it in his lap, finding the other to do the same. 

"Suga, I don't mean about the alcohol. I'm asking how you are. I said some really stupid things that night, a lot of things I'd like to take back. I just, I just want to know what's been going through your mind." His eyes screamed aggravation. Sugawara wasn't okay. Not even a little bit. 

Now it depended on whether he would admit how hurt and conflicted he was, or if he played it low. 

"Dai... you don't have to take anything back. I'm not feelin' all peachy and happy I know, but what I'm feeling right now is all my fault, not yours, everything you said was true anyway..." His eyes looked gloomy, empty, as if he had nothing left. 

Daichi knew now. He absolutely hated those words. 'My fault.' Why does such a beautiful human have to take blame for everything, why did he have to feel this way?

"You shouldn't be sad Suga... I don't like it when you're sad... Do you like doing things that I don't like?" He asked the childish question so soothingly. 

Sugawara shook his head. "I don't want to hurt you, I don't wanna do things you don't like Dai..."

Daichi smiled a sad smile. "Then please don't be so sad, you're too pretty for that." 

"You're kinda gorgeous yourself y'know." Sugawara chuckled faintly, Daichi following in suit. 

He left a comforting little smile on as he moved. He shuffled as close as he could to Sugawara, only stopping when their knees bumped. He rested a soft hand on his cheek once more. "Why do you always think your hurting me Suga, I don't understand a lot of things right now, can you help me with that?" He asked more childish questions. He wanted to make sure Sugawara could keep up. He wasn't letting go of this chance he had to talk to him after so long. 

Sugawara nodded, saying he would help. "If I don't tell you about all my secrets, I feel sad cause it hurts that you don't know anything about your boyfriend. I don't like that I'm hurting you. It makes me sad when I remember that I'm being a burden to you, that I'm being cruel by knowing all thissss stuff about you," Finding no words to describe 'stuff,' he used random hand motions to represent it. "but then I don't tell you anything, I'm so mean to you Daichi, I don't wanna be a mean boyfriend." He was looking down now, Daichi had to lead his eyes back up so he could see the pretty honey orbs clearly. 

"You're not a mean boyfriend Suga. You're a really nice boyfriend, a really, really, _really_ nice boyfriend. I promise." Daichi reassured, squeezing his hands for emphasis. 

Sugawara was confused though. "How can I be a nice boyfriend 'f I don't tell you anythin'? 'S so unfair..." He genuinely didn't understand, and he definitely did pout about it. 

Daichi, despite himself, couldn't hold back the small laugh that formed due to all the silly little responses he got from a drunk Sugawara. "Because I don't need you to tell me anything Suga, you can have your secrets, love." 

Sugawara's eyes glazed over.

_He called me love..._

Daichi wasn't done though, he had so much to say, so much to fix, he wanted to say it all now, while he had Sugawara's attention, while Sugawara was listening as attentively as a child listening to a ghost story.

"I know you trust me Suga, I was stupid, so so so stupid for saying what I did then. Okay I believe you. It's not unfair that you won't tell me about what happened to you in the past. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Daichi paused there for a moment. Sugawara looked like he was about to cry, he was smiling and his eyes were glowing and he was getting happier with each word.

"You... you don't mind that I can't say anything right now? You really don't care?" His voice was low and his breath caught in his throat.

"I obviously care Suga... I heard you crying... through the door... I wanted to take everything back, I hate myself for what I said, I wanted to break down your stupid door and just- just hold you and never let you go... I care Suga, that's the problem, the only reason I want to know... it's not because I think you're keeping something from me or it's something that will affect our relationship, I want to know so I can help you..." His mouth was a hard line and his brows furrowed together. His eyes screamed in anguish, concern, love, pain. 

Sugawara's smile faltered a bit, his lips began to quiver. "But- But I can't say anything... I'll only bother you with my problems, I don't wanna be mean Daichi, it hurts to say it all, you might leave me if I say it all... I don't want you to go Dai... I never wanted you to go Daichi, you should've broken down my door... you should've..." Tears finally broke their surface and slipped down his cheeks, leaving little streaks of water in their wake.

That's when all his guilt and regret caught up to him, he was pushing some of it away at first, but hearing Sugawara say it, hearing him say that he shouldn't have left, that he wanted him, it was the drawing line. His own tears formed in his eyes, and his voice broke as he spoke. "I know, I know, and I'm an idiot for walking out, and I'm sorry Suga... I'll never leave you again, I swear... I swear you're not a burden to me. I don't mind whether you tell me or not, I don't care what it is, you could have been a stripper or a spy... who cares, it's not a burden..." He was forced to stop talking, his voice was so shaky, tears just kept pooling in his eyes, clouding his vision, but he still knew that Sugawara was crying... he still knew that he was smiling. 

"You are not a burden to me Sugawara Koushi. I will never leave you again, you understand me? Never. Listen closely right now okay?" His voice shook even harder, his hands were trembling, but he still blinked away those drops, Sugawara nodded, he was listening. 

Daichi leaned close, looking straight into Sugawara's teary eyes. " _I love you._ "

_This can't be real... he loves me... he loves me. He loves me. How is that real?_

Through his forming thoughts and bubbly voice, he opened his mouth. "You-"

Daichi interrupted. "Yes, yes I love you, I'm not kidding in any way. I love you. I'm so damn in love with you that I can't even think straight [pun intended]. So just- let me love you okay, don't push me away anymore, I don't like that. You said you won't do things that I don't like, right?" He paused and Sugawara nodded. "Good, I don't like when you push me away, so don't do that. Thinking you're hurting me or that nonsense, I love you, I want to be with you, I want to be here, through whatever it is that you don't want to say, just let me be here... just let me love you... just let me in, and it'll all be okay, I promise I'll make it better." He whispered. His voice was low, as if raising it would dispel the sort of peaceful atmosphere, the soft yellow lights illuminating the room. 

Sugawara blinked away his ever-flowing tears away as best as he could. He looked back into Daichi's warm, dark eyes, seeing something fierce swirling inside them. Everything around them was soft and peaceful, but Daichi's eyes were loud, screaming to be seen, he wanted this. He wanted to say everything that was on his mind, there was still more sitting behind those eyes, but he kept his words concise so Sugawara would understand. 

But his eyes and expression gave everything away. He just wanted to be heard, he just wanted Sugawara to believe him. 

He took a deep breath and wiped at his eyes. His breath shook, but he was happy. His words stuck in his throat and he could barely breathe. 

Only one person in his life. He had only one person to ever stay by his side in his life, and even they were taken away from him. And now...now there was another one. Someone else that loved him, and wanted to stay with him no matter what. 

It was unbelievable. He couldn't comprehend how this could be real. But it was, and it was happening right before him. Daichi was right there, his large arms, his strong presence, his warm eyes, his gorgeous smile, his love... All of it was right there, and all he had to do was accept it. All he had to do was reach his arms out and take it, take it and never let go.

If he was sober right now, he would have run, he would've told Daichi that he couldn't be loved and he couldn't hurt more people. He would have said he didn't deserve someone as amazing as Daichi. He would be this unreasonably selfless person who wouldn't accept anything, not even love, not even the love coming at him with open arms.

But guess what? He was drunk. 

He wasted no time kicking off his stool, letting it fall back and dent the floor. He stumbled forward, letting Daichi catch him and wrap his arms around his waist. Falling forward, he crashed his lips down into Daichi's. He couldn't comprehend how good it felt. 

How good it felt to have those arms around him again, to have his chest falling against that beautiful one Daichi possessed. To have his hands in Daichi's short and thick hair. How his lips felt.

How Daichi would never just give him a peck, no. It was always a nice sweet kiss, his lips were always pressed into Sugawara's, so tenderly, so softly, but at the same time, they clashed so desperately. How he would do that thing where he would play with his bottom lip with his teeth and tongue, or how no matter what kind of kiss he got, his entire body would become warm.

No, not just his lips tingled, not just his cheeks became warm and red. No, his entire body would become hot at Daichi's loving touch, everything about him seeping into each and every vein Sugawara possessed. 

The moment their lips touched, Daichi couldn't hold back his smile. He did it, he actually did it. He'd get to love Sugawara, he got Sugawara to understand, Sugawara was kissing him, he was letting him be there. He couldn't help but be ecstatic. 

The tears in his eyes finally escaped his grasp, but not because of pain, all that was gone. In that moment, right then, he was thrilled. 

Tears of joy spilled out of his closed eyes, his smile only grew wider. Sugawara could feel Daichi's tears on his own cheeks, which only made his pour out faster. Feeling Daichi smile so joyfully because of him... his heart swelled with glee. He felt loved, he finally, finally, felt content, happy, and loved. His heart overflowed with bliss and comfort. He was grinning so much that they couldn't even get their lips to meet through the smiles anymore. 

Sugawara laughed at the situation. Settling himself on Daichi's lap, he giggled even more. "I can't give you kisses if you're smiling so much Daichi!" He bubbled over with laughter again. 

And that laugh. 

Hearing Sugawara laugh so freely after so long, it made his insides melt and his heart flow with an emotion he could only describe as... indescribable. [such extensive vocabulary I have huh]

"Hey I'm not the only one smiling!" He claimed, beaming up at Sugawara. "You are just as smiley as me okay..."

Daichi had to leave soon after that, it was approaching one in the morning and they didn't even realize, it was only when he got a text from his mom that he found it necessary to go. Sugawara was still drunk though, that much hadn't changed. He was still making a little bit less than sense, saying a lot of random things, and being a bit of a child. 

Daichi half carried him to bed to make sure he would be okay, giving him a long kiss as a good night. He ruffled Shadow's fur as a small hello on his way out, finally content that something, maybe not everything, but something was finally going right for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS IM SO FUCKIN SORRY  
> omg ok, it's been really busy and school and life and drawing and other writing and shit I'm so sorry if this was late and you were waiting on it. Ik just over a week isn't too long cause we're usually waiting like a month for fics [totally not throwing shade] but I really do want to sustain a pretty weekly schedule, so, heh gomen.  
> [if you've seen me on Wattpad it's quicker to update there so if u want go bookmark it there cause I'll prob post earlier there, I couldn't this week, I had my bff/editor do it *sweats*]  
> On a side not oooo look at Daichi finally getting smart and UNDERSTANDING SUGAWARA TRUSTS HIM FOR FUCKS SAKE and do you guys want more drunk Sugamama cause I had so much fun with that, and ASAHI BEIN A GRADE A STUDENT BOI who new he'd be so important yesss.  
> Anyway, hopefully I'll be seeing you bitches next week! Leave a comment if you've got the time, it would make my day [well--night but lel] !  
> -Sam


	11. Hey Babes, Author Speaking

Hey everyone.  


I'm really sorry I haven't uploaded in a couple of weeks. My writers block hasn't let up and I've been really swamped with work.  


Honestly you guys, I have two unit projects, a large summative, and two unit tests, along with daily quizzes/check-ins all in this week. I also have a number of assignments just laying around for me to do as they're due later and I don't want to start them yet.  


As you can tell, I've got a lot on my plate. Usually I still write well into the night after I've worked simply because I love writing and I don't care how much sleep I get, but lately the writers block has been keeping me from doing it, and I'm a bit stressed.  


Regardless, I will have a new chapter up soon this week, promise.  


ALSO IMPORTANT READ THIS YOU'LL LIKE IT!!!  


I did a one-shot type story for, again, DaiSuga, I thought I'd give you guys something rather than nothing this week. It will be up in a couple of hours.  


It's called 'Sleep in my Lonely Arms Tonight.' I based it off a prompt I saw heh. Go check it out! I'm sure you guys will love the sweet fluff. You can find it on my profile or just search it.  


Again, sorry about the past couple weeks, I'll update soon my dudes.  


Enjoy 'Sleep in my Lonely Arms Tonight!' See you sometime this week bitches!  


-Sam


	12. Chapter 12

_If I told you where I've been_  
_Would you still call me baby?_  
_And if I told you everything_  
_Would you call me crazy?_  
_Cause baby I'm a dark star, dark star…_

_-Dark Star; Jaymes Young_

The Thursday sun made its journey across the sky, slowly moving a bit each hour, though no one could see it. The grey clouds above hung thick, looming over their small world and a slow drizzle was going outside the closed school windows. The rain hadn’t progressed the entire day, as if waiting for that one moment to let loose and pour down all the wrath those thick clouds could carry, but now keeping the anticipation of the obviously approaching thunderstorm while the light shower happened.  


The weather brought a sort of gloom into the school, but it didn’t seem to bother Sugawara, for some reason, he absolutely loved thunderstorms, it was his favourite weather.  


He could sit in whatever room he ended up in, in the calming light of a soft lamp illuminating the words on his page as the pouring rain and booming thunder provided a calm white noise, putting him in a tranquil mood. The lightning would always be a fascination to him as a child as well, the sky lighting white or purple for just a flash as he stared at the grey clouds, wondering when the next boom and flash would make him jump in his seat from shock and pleasant surprise. He never lost that interest growing up, and he never wanted to.  


The only thing providing him with the gloom to make him seem like he matched everyone else in the building… was Saturday.  


Saturday, when he woke up with a slightly pounding headache, and spotty memory. Usually he never had an issue with forgetting things the next hungover morning, but it was different last Saturday. Instead of not caring about his own stupid drunk state, he couldn’t remember what happened with Daichi, or… parts of it.  


For the most of Saturday, he only knew two things; one, Daichi had come over, and they talked about something that had to do with trust or their relationship. And two…  


_I love you_  


He distinctly remembered Daichi saying those words to him. He remembered Daichi’s beautiful, handsome smiling face, looking him straight in the teary, bleary, honey eyes, and saying; ‘I love you.’  


And he had no idea what to do.  


At first, he really only remembered that Daichi had shown up while he was drunk. That he had said that he hated being a mean boyfriend and that he was a burden to Daichi. He remembered that Daichi replied saying he wasn’t a bother, that he was a nice boyfriend, things along those lines, but his mind unfortunately refused to match words to visuals and tell him what happened.  


Eventually, after an annoying long four hours of marking, grading, and designing a quiz, he gave up and retired to another drink.  


Some little things came back to him as he kept working. His mind was more open and vulnerable while he worked, so some memories slowly made their way up front, not that Sugawara deemed them any of the useful ones.  


He remembered Daichi saying something about him being a stripper…  


_A stripper?! Where did that come from…_  


He remembered Daichi asking about his drinking, but he didn’t remember his own answer. He remembered Daichi calling himself an idiot several times over, but had no context as to why Daichi had said so.  


_Not that I don’t agree…_  


He remembered tears. Not his own, he remembered Daichi’s tears. He remembered something powerful swimming around behind Daichi’s eyes, but he had no idea why. And that pissed him off a ton because he had no idea why such a perfect man had to cry last night.  


It was the I love you that struck him the most though. Why on earth… would Daichi say that?  


_God… what did I end up saying last night? What happened that he ended up saying that he loves me? Or did I just hallucinate that when he really said something else… I mean why would he say that? Or did he really mean it?_  


It was too confusing for him because he really had no context to put together with his spotty memories. It was weighing down on him more than he really wanted it to, so yea… he just really wanted another drink.  


_Maybe not more than two this time, I’ve learned my lesson_  


So, he grabbed one out of the small fridge, and plopped his tired ass on one of the stools on the island.  


And again, he sat, in the exact same place and situation as last night. Tired, stressed, sad, drinking the same drink in the exact same stool…  


And that’s when more of it came to him, naturally. He didn’t even have to take a sip to choke on air as he remembered.  


_…haven’t been drinkin’ ‘cause of you okay…_  


_…I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t wanna do things you don’t like…_  


_…don’t be so sad…_  


_…you can have your secrets, love…_  


_…I heard you crying… through the door…_  


_…I don’t want you to go Dai…_  


_…not a burden…_  


_…never leave you again…_  


_…I love you…_

_I kissed him…_  


Everything came pouring back to him as he sat in that same spot with the same drink in hand. He dropped it on the counter, making a large bang as the open drink spilled over and off the counter top, waking Shadow up. He heard her hiss at him from the other side of the room, but ignored it as she went back to sleep.  


After all, he was the one who practically choked on air and fell off his seat. His fingers immediately came to his lips, the now vivid memory of Daichi’s lips still there. He felt the tingle, the warmth on them as if he’s just been kissed by Daichi not even a minute ago. But he didn’t, it was yesterday…  


When Sugawara kissed him… and gave him some kind of okay into his life… and got him involved in all of his issues… and made another person worry about him… and hurt him….  


“Why the fuck did I do that!” He yelled to no one in complete frustration. Tears pricked his eyes from the sheer overwhelming feeling that came with the memories.  


_Why the hell did I involve him, I told myself I’d push him away, I swore I’d never hurt someone else, mind me it’s someone that I love, how did that happen, what kind of moron am I to not shove him out the door since I was drunk, am I really that stupid when I’m drunk? I don’t even have the sense to know that I’d screw things up by letting him get involved? Dooming him to whatever pain and bothers I’ll cause him?_  


_What is wrong with me? And… why the hell did I have to be drunk when he finally kissed me again??_  


When he remembered, he wanted to forget, or more so, he wanted to not remember, because if he had no memory of it, then it didn’t happen, and he didn’t want that to have happened, he didn’t want to doom Daichi to pain by getting him involved in his stupid, complicated life. But there went his drunk self defying every law he set for himself.  


So he went on, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, thinking…  


_Maybe he won’t try to approach me if I don’t talk to him, maybe he’ll take the hint that my drunk self wasn’t thinking straight and the decisions I make sober will count to him…_  


Much to his internal dismay, and somewhat relief, Daichi didn’t say anything to him, just as he wished. But it was bad, really bad. He’d shown up on Monday, and he was smiling, genuinely, happily, smiling as he walked by and broke conversation for a second to say good morning to Sugawara. He was happy because he believed he and Sugawara would start talking again, if not be lovers, start over as friends, or at least have less tension.  


But Sugawara could literally see his heart break to pieces, and shatter on the floor, when he gave him a small, terribly weak smile, and a small shake of his head.  


That little bitch of a gesture right there, shattered his heart, and Sugawara knew it.  


So while he was relieved that Daichi didn’t try to protest or approach him, his own thoughts wavered. Seeing Daichi so defeated and sad over the past month, or little over, made him rethink things. The only time he saw Daichi smile so happily again after that month, the only time, was when they were kissing in his apartment.  


So he started to hesitantly think…  


_He told me… he told me that he loves me…he said I wasn’t a burden, he said he wouldn’t leave…. He said so many breathtaking words to me on Friday… what if- what if he won’t hate me after…. Maybe, just maybe he won’t leave me if I tell him, maybe I can be with him for now, and slowly tell him bit by bit after…_  


_He’s been so broken lately, I’m in no position to fix the broken but, the only time I’ve seen him smile so happily that he cried tears of joy… was when I kissed him, when I agreed to let him into my life…_  


It pained him to no extent to think those things. You couldn’t heal years and years of anguish and sadness and self-doubt in one happy Friday night, but it didn’t mean it couldn’t get you thinking, considering, hoping.  


Sugawara, no matter the affection, no matter the plain reassurance in front of him, still felt he was being selfish and a bother by even considering telling Daichi, or even being with him. He never wanted to do that, he never wanted to hurt more people he loved and make them feel pain. All he wanted was to see them happy. And he never believed one could be happy with him, that’s why he pushed Daichi away, he never thought he could hurt Daichi by pushing him away, he thought it would help him be happier.  


But then he went and processed that he was being selfish by doing so. He went and remembered that over the past month, they’d been sad and alone, and then one night, he came over and said that he loved him, that he wasn’t a burden and he’d stay by him. He remembered how beautiful Daichi looked, with that gorgeous happy smile on his soft lips, with those joyful tears spilling out of his eyes with no control as he laughed with Sugawara on his lap.  


And he thought, maybe he was being selfish by not telling Daichi, maybe… maybe he should tell him and let him decide for himself whether he would love or hate Sugawara. It wasn’t like Sugawara didn’t trust him enough to tell him… he definitely could tell Daichi if he chose to… but…  


*** 

The rain pattered on Daichi’s window, rough and loud as it picked up speed and the drizzle turned to a pour, the lighting and thunder coming occasionally in strong bangs and flashes. The power was taken out about thirty minutes ago, and it didn’t look like it was coming on any time soon. He was just finishing up some work in candlelight.  


The rest of the Sawamura household deemed it time for bed when the lights went out, seeing as they had no other work to do and no means of entertainment. So it was just Daichi, in his candlelight, his completed homework and his confused thoughts.  


He forced himself not to dwell on it too much since he knew it was a possibility. Sugawara had been drunk. His drunk and true desires may not have matched the stupid sober Sugawara who wanted to protect everything when he was really just being stupid.  


That was his last attempt. If Sugawara was going to be that persistent at not wanting a relationship, it wasn’t up to Daichi to keep pushing and hurting and pressuring him further. He knew Sugawara remembered the night, that one shake of his head told him so. So, if telling him that he was in love with him, telling him that he was in no way a burden or a bother, that he would never leave his side no matter his past… if after telling him all of those truths, he didn’t want to be with Daichi…  


Well, it’s not like Daichi could do anything after that, aside from continuing to love him from the sidelines, how deep he fell in love with Sugawara… it’s not like he was going to get over it in years.  


So he thought he would give up. He saw no other option if Sugawara didn’t want him. He deeply considered just giving in to his stupid thoughts of surrender, or he was about to, until his phone screen came to life on his bed with a notification.  


**-Can you come over? Now? I need you. –**  


It was from Sugawara. That was all it said, precise and clean.  


But it was from Sugawara. Daichi slid the damn thing in his pocket, put out the candle with his fingers, grabbed some random black hoodie and bolted down the stairs as fast and quietly as his legs would allow.  


Throwing on some shoes, he grabbed an umbrella and popped it open upon his exit, mildly protecting him from the pouring rain. He gave absolutely zero fucks that water was downing on him, soaking his shoes and most of the sweater. He gave no mind to the icy wind blowing needles of rain into his cheeks and squinting eyes.  


He only cared that Sugawara needed him. So he sprinted his way there, and came up to the Sugawara and Shadow residence, with wiped shoes, wet pants and hoodie, and a folded, practically useless in a storm umbrella. 

* 

“Daichi?! Daichi, you actually came?! Through that rain?! I could have come get you if you texted back!” Sugawara exclaimed, taking and dropping the umbrella on the mat and helping Daichi out of the sopping sweater. “I’m so sorry, you’re soaking now… dammit… I even screwed this up…” He murmured.  


“Listen you idiot, when the person I love says he needs me, I run, no questions asked, you didn’t screw a single thing up, you hear me?” Daichi said, sternly and unmoving. He absolutely needed Sugawara to understand this, this stupid trivial thing that he didn’t work into his mind.  


“So you meant it?” Sugawara whispered, really quiet, as if he didn’t want Daichi to hear and give an answer.  


Daichi paused to look at him. “Meant what? Friday?” He asked. Sugawara nodded slightly. “Of course I meant it, I meant every bit of it Sugawara… Well you were drunk… I’ll say it again. I love you.” He repeated softly, easily, without a millisecond of hesitation.  


Hearing the seriousness in Daichi’s voice, Sugawara simply nodded with slightly widened eyes. Daichi taking a small breath as he took light steps further into the apartment, trying not the drip water everywhere. It was then when he noticed it.  


He’d completely forgotten, but the power was out. When his eyes landed on the first soft yellow candle, he took a look around. There were candles littered everywhere, all either yellow or light blue in colour. There were two on the island, one on each side table, three across the coffee table, one atop each cat post, which he figured were placed after the adorable shadowy cat retired to bed. There were even more sitting everywhere in his study, and could immediately tell there was at least one in his bedroom from the dim illumination. Other than those, more were placed everywhere in the space.  


He looked around the apartment in awe. It was absolutely stunning.  


The little soft flames were placed so perfectly, creating a beautiful, feathery radiance in the small -yet now even cozier looking- space.  


Honestly, how was this man so flawless? He could even place candles perfectly…  


Daichi was barefoot now with only a t-shirt protecting his upper body, he turned to look at Sugawara’s dimly lit bedroom. “Hey uh, you don’t happen to have some of my clothes somewhere in there right?” He asked, pointing in the direction.  


“Oh uh... yea, heh, I do, they’re all um, in the upper drawer, if you want sweaters they’re in the closet.” He explained as Daichi went off. He felt his cheeks warm just that bit from the memory.  


_“Why don’t you ever give me back my clothes after I leave them here?”_  


_“I don’t really know, I like wearing them, like this sweater, it’s baggier since I’m smaller, comfier.”_  


_““Then why don’t you just buy bigger clothes?”_  


_““Well… I mean I could, but I like wearing yours, it’s nicer somehow, they smell like you…”_  


_““Smell like me?”_  


_““Hey! Don’t laugh… I don’t know I just feel better when it’s yours okay if you want them back so bad take ‘em!”_  


_““Aww don’t be like that, I won’t take them back… besides, I have to admit, you do look really damn adorable in my baggy sweaters…”_

At the moment, he unfortunately wasn’t wearing anything of Daichi’s even if his button up ‘pajama’ shirt was big on him. It would have made for a little laughing moment if he did.  


Instead, he had two mugs of warm water sitting on the mat on the coffee table. He watched through the open door as Daichi peeled off his wet jeans, revealing his more than gorgeous thighs -practically glistening in the candlelight- and leaving him in only boxers. He watched as the muscles on his thighs lightly flexed with each step he took to grab this and that. For a mere second did Sugawara catch a glimpse of his chest, perfectly toned abs -not too much, but not too little- leading up to his collarbone. He noticed it was clean tan skin, all of his marks faded over the month. And how badly did he want to leave more and more marks there, or on his chest, or thighs, or everywhere…  


_God… now is_ not _the time to be fantasizing about his body, but really who has a body that sexy? It’s not my fault, his chest is screaming for me to have fantasies about it. Ugh, I’m a mess…_  


Daichi emerged from the room a minute later, wearing dry sweatpants and a simple blue half sleeve with a thin grey unzipped hoodie over. The rain outside seemed to take its effect now, the pitter patter on the windows creating a calming effect, in cooperation with the soft candlelight, making Sugawara’s eyes droop a bit from the tranquility.  


Daichi sat down on the sofa by Sugawara and took a sip of the warm water before him, letting the heat spread through and warm him from the inside, the feeling radiating from his throat down his chest and stomach, he already felt better.  


Just as he put the mug down, there was flash, and moments later, a loud, deafening boom. From the corner of his eye, Daichi could see the faintest of smiles on Sugawara’s face because of the sound, so he wasn’t sure whether it was the smile or the water, but something warmed his heart and he liked it.  


Swiftly, he sat back into the big and soft white cushions. “Thanks for the warm water…” His voice was so soft compared to the pounding raindrops.  


“Don’t thank me for that Daichi, it’s no trouble.” Mimicking Daichi’s movements, he leaned back into the soft sofa. Pulling his legs up, he turned on the spot to face Daichi, his shoulder pushing into the cushion and his cheek lightly getting squished against it.  


His eyes were soft, there was nothing running around behind them… that was something Daichi hadn’t seen in a while. Sugawara seemed different in that moment, he looked like he figured something out, with that strong face, soft eyes with nothing to hide, the little curve of his lips and the flames reflecting in his eyes.  


“Suga,” He called quietly, moments later.  


“Hm?”  


“It’s beautiful in here, the way you put out the candles… it’s breathtaking.” He told, a small yet meaningful smile on as he spoke, looking at the candles on the table, their flames being mirrored back at them in the glass.  


Sugawara’s cheeks flushed a bit from the compliment of sorts and his hands when to work playing with his thumbs in nerves. “Oh, thank you… I didn’t realize it looked that nice… my mom, she uh, she really loved candles, we always had them out, no matter the weather, the moment it got dark, the candles were lit… imagine how much we saved on that huh…” He joked, chuckling ever so lightly at his own statement. “Her undeniable favourite were those blue ones, the company stopped making her favourite scent though, so I got the next best thing… same colour, no scent. I still have one of hers though, I never use it though, I don’t want it to burn out…” He explained calmly, a happy, lost look in his eyes.  


But Daichi didn’t laugh, or move, or react in any way. Instead, he was trying not to stare open-mouthed. Sugawara had never, ever uttered the words ‘my mom’ before tonight... what was about to happen?  


_Loved… she really loved candles…_  


Instead of saying anything and ruining their radiant, intimate even, atmosphere, he pulled up a leg and faced Sugawara. Shuffling a bit closer, so their knees bumped, he leaned his side into the large pillows as well and looked into Sugawara’s eyes.  


The amber, honey, and chocolate colours mixing to create the purest and most angelic gaze a human could ever possess, they were endearing, and they trapped Daichi so hopelessly within.  


He brought up a hand to lightly place a palm on Sugawara’s cheek. Unable to meet Daichi’s eyes, he looked down now, he brought his own hand up and held Daichi’s within his own, pushing the two hands deeper to his cheek, seeking the comfort that came with Daichi’s loving touch. He pulled their hands down into his lap and played with his larger hand, he needed some kind of distraction. He used his slender fingers to trace up and down Daichi’s, letting the occasional thin hairs tickle the pads of his fingers as they moved.  


Had he looked up, he would have seen Daichi, staring at him with an awestruck look in his eyes, the most loving gaze staring at him, as if he were a seraph.  


“You’re so beautiful…” He murmured, more to himself than anything else. Daichi couldn’t tell over the patter outside, but Sugawara’s breath caught in his throat in that moment. It took him a second to start breathing again, with a little gasp that he had to let out shakily.  


Squeezing his eyes shut and taking another deep breath, he flipped Daichi’s hand in his own, sliding one of his hands down Daichi’s arm until their palms sat aligned. Then he slowly interlocked one finger after another with Daichi’s, and moments later having their hands intertwined.  


Daichi let more of his weight into the sofa and sank deeper, closing his eyes to awaken his other senses.  


Perhaps the candles weren’t scented, but the smell of flames burning the wax easily made their way to his nostrils. His ears picked up on the distant rumbles of quieter thunder, and the shallow, steady breathing of the one he loved across him on the sofa. The many flames slowly heated up the space as well, and his previously soaked body felt warm and snug. But he knew where most of that warmth had come from. It was radiating from his right hand up through the rest of his body. From the hand that Sugawara held, that love, that warmth, seeped through his body like it was oxygen through his cells.  


They stayed like that, in a comfortable, undisturbed silence, both listening to the heavy yet calming pour of rain, and the thunder and lighting as it got more frequent with the ongoing storm outside their small building of protection.  


It was a little while before Sugawara took a nice, long deep breath, filling his chest as much as possible, then slowly, calmly exhaling each carbon dioxide molecule with care. Finally, he opened his eyes and squeezed Daichi’s hand, telling him to do the same through the simple gesture.  


“I don’t think… I’m not sure that I…” His gaze turned contemplative as he tried to formulate his thoughts. Even looking down at his chest, he knew Daichi was looking at him in anticipation. “I’ve never had… any good relationships, I’m not any good at them…”  


Daichi’s gaze went soft at the edges, looking at him now with curiosity and waiting for him to continue.  


“I’m not really cut out for them… You already know that I… I think I’m a burden to those around me, but I think… I think I also just, I don’t know, worry too much I guess, about everything. I overthink them…” His voice was barely above a whisper, in stark contrast to the rumbling outside, but Daichi caught every word.  


“I highly doubt you’ve been a burden to anyone Suga… perhaps you led yourself to believe so, you just didn’t want anyone else to have the blame… but you do overthink things quite a bit…” Daichi’s voice was too quiet, too gentle coming from someone like him.  


“Maybe I do like taking the blame, but that’s not all… if I had just, just played things out differently, opened up to you more, then you wouldn’t have gotten hurt as much as you did… I’m so sorry Daichi…” He smiled sadly, knowing what Daichi was about to say in Sugawara’s defence.  


“You don’t need to be sorry, there’s nothing to be sorry for… I’m okay Suga, as long as you’re here, I’m okay, you haven’t done anything wrong…” He whispered.  


Sugawara shook his head a bit with a little smile. “No matter what I say, you’ll keep trying to convince me of how ‘perfect’ I appear to be, won’t you Captain?”  


Daichi ignored the way his heart skipped a beat as Sugawara’s lips formed the word ‘Captain,’ and he smiled a small smile. “On the dot, Sensei…”  


The little laugh on Sugawara lips disappeared when he next parted them. “It’s just…” He paused, using his literature brain to find the best fitting words for this, in the limited time he had. “I carry too much weight around, too much baggage… no one needs to deal with that, I’ll just be a bother… especially to someone as wonderful as you Dai…”  


Daichi’s heart definitely skipped two beats when he heard Dai… such a stunning person saying his nickname, something so rarely used that it basically belonged to Sugawara. But hearing him say that again, say that his pain was a bother, that it was just baggage, that angered him to no extent. In no way was it so.  


He wanted so bad to just, pull that sad looking Sugawara into his lap and hug him, hold him and convince him with nonsensical whispers that in no way was he ever a burden, how whatever his problems were, Daichi would deal with all of them because it meant he could be with Sugawara. He wanted to convince him of how amazing he was, how alluring and intelligent and caring and… and every perfect being put into one. He wanted to say these things, and have Sugawara accept them with a smile and a thank you kiss instead of denial.  


But he couldn’t do any of that now, it was Sugawara’s turn to speak, to explain and relieve his heart of whatever he planned to say, so he simmered down his anger and desires, and listened.  


“…I don’t know what I should do now…” He had a clothed hand over his mouth in embarrassment, so his voice was muffled, but Daichi caught enough.  


“What do you mean, love?” He asked gently.  


_There it is again, ‘love…’ can he just replace Suga with that…_  


“I… I wanted to… uhm…” He was nervous beyond his own belief, and had to bite down on the cloth so he could keep his cheeks and trembling under control.  


“Hey… Suga, babe look at me…” Daichi told, bringing his other hand up under Sugawara’s chin, making him look him in the eye. “Look into my eyes, it’s okay… I’m okay… and you’re okay… you’ve come this far, whatever it is you want to do, do it now, I’m right here… touch me again…” He moved the interlocked hands and put Sugawara’s side to his cheek, leaning into it. “…feel that? I’m real, and I’m right here… I’m not going anywhere… especially not in this storm…” He reassured in the gentlest and sweetest of voices with a slight chuckle at the end.  


He watched with a smile and soft eyes and Sugawara’s chest slowly rose, then slowly fell. “Okay… I’m ready.” He used his other hand, and slowly removed each of Daichi’s fingers from his hand. Placing it back in Daichi’s lap, he sat up and put his feet on the ground.  


Daichi watched conspicuously, contemplating why he was getting up.  


Sugawara pushed his body up with his hands and stood, turning to stand in front of Daichi, seeing him look up with slight confusion and awe swimming in his dark eyes.  


He took another deep, calming breath, placing a hand on Daichi’s jaw, his thumb running over his cheekbone for a moment. “There’s something I want you to see…” He whispered oh so quietly.  


Daichi watched in anticipation as both of Sugawara’s hands went up to the first button on his loose, light blue striped shirt. His nimble fingers went to work on the first, then moved down to the second, and third, and fourth, until they were all undone, revealing half of him.  


Then he rolled his shoulders back, letting the thin piece of clothing fall carelessly to the ground, landing in a lump around his ankles, now exposing all of him.  


He saw Daichi’s eyes widen in surprise as he stood up, taking a better look.  


“So… what do you think?” It came out quietly, paired with the smallest of sad smiles….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I hope you'll forgive how late this is.  
> Anyway,  
> Next chapter bitches... next chapter and we are complete Sugawara's past mode. The following three chapters are pretty deep and emotional to him soooo be wary and bare with me.  
> Why?  
> Because after the drama, something I'm sure you've all been waiting for will happen, what is it, you ask? How about I say... -insert lenny face-  
> So you have fun with that info.  
> HOPE you all liked this chapter, it was really soft and intimate for the two of them and I'm happy with how it came out.  
> See you in the next chapter bitches! Comment if you've got the time.  
> -Sam


	13. Chapter 13

_Stand up, child and turn toward the lightning and thunder_  
_So I can see what I've known for all these years_  
_Your skin shudders with my fingers_  
_You're cold but I know it's not your fault_  
_The storm is coming now, can we survive somehow_

 _-Neverland; Crywolf [try Arctic Empire]_

Not even four had been unbuttoned, and Daichi already knew why Sugawara was so hesitant to reveal his body. His skin was… 

Then he undid them all. 

Then the shirt came off. 

“So… what do you think?” 

Daichi could not explain what he thought in that moment, all his thoughts muddled together into a big pile of everything and nothing at the same time. He was so, so, so surprised, so shocked at the sight before him. 

“S… Suga… when- how did this… Suga… babe how…” 

“It really is that bad huh…” 

Daichi couldn’t respond. He was too lost, too infatuated by what he was looking at. His skin looked raw… but that wasn’t the case. It was healed skin, but it looked… 

“Suga, the one on your chest was definitely surgery, but it’s old… really old, but these red spots, the pale skins… these are _burn_ scars Suga… Suga when did this… how?” Daichi was at a complete loss for words. 

“I’ll tell you everything Daichi, I’ll give you the stories start to finish in just a minute, but for now… just take it all in first, ok?” His voice was too quiet, too vulnerable. The rain outside screamed so loudly in contrast, so proud that it kept everyone inside their homes, so proud that it kept Sugawara and Daichi in this situation so something could go somewhere. 

Daichi took in every bit of what he was seeing. 

The first thing he noticed was the one-or-so inch dark line going down from his mid-chest. That was definitely a surgery as he previously mentioned. Everything else was… 

Sugawara’s skin was spotty, red and paler-than-normal white all over. His upper chest had escaped whatever tragedy the rest of him faced, but his stomach, following over his waist looked terrible. 

There was an explosion of red with jagged lines tracing the upper and lower parts of stomach. There were more spots littered everywhere across his lower chest, and white bits spotting that large red area. It all looked like raw skin, but it was just the harsh after effects of healed burns. 

It was beautiful. 

Those marks, each and every one of them, they were all a mark of just how strong Sugawara really was. They each had a meaning in his life, something happened in his life, and it left a visual mark to show that he had overcome it. 

They were placed so intricately on his body, each and every one. The candlelight made his skin look like it was glowing. There was a fair amount of skin that had reddened permanently, or discoloured. But his natural skin was a light, healthy pale colour, and as the pure skin faded to red, or was cut by a red line, it created wonderful patterns that only the dangerous beauty known as fire could create. 

The candlelight reflected off his body and created this stunning radiance all around him. Daichi could only stare in awe at just how beautiful Sugawara really was. To think he was insecure about this body was unfathomable to Daichi. He thought it was perfect, he didn’t want Sugawara any other way. If he had a past, he deserved a body that screamed; ‘Look at me, I got through it, I did it, I am strong.” And that’s what his body was. 

Daichi didn’t think it was beautiful, he knew it was. 

But… 

He could only imagine just how much pain they must have been, fresh and hot. He had a hand stretching forward, but it wouldn’t make contact. It was as if he was scared his touch would hurt the scars, make them burn again, as if his touch would make Sugawara falter. 

His hand shook as he contemplated touching the marks. He jumped a bit when he felt Sugawara’s hand over his, pushing it forward until Daichi’s fingers grazed over the red. 

“You can touch me if you want… I’d love to feel your touch after so long Dai…” Sugawara spoke gently, truthfully… and feeling Daichi’s hand touch his bare body… 

It pleasantly heated his body, inside out. He had never felt Daichi’s hands there before. Feeling it for the first time felt like a dream, like he was standing on clouds. 

Daichi’s hands, the hands that could so powerfully serve or spike a volleyball, his hands that were rough and calloused from playing the sport for so many years, his hands that could probably break a jaw with a single punch… 

Those hands caressed his chest and stomach so gently, so tenderly in a way that he had never felt before. He closed his eyes and felt that heat butterfly from the pit of his stomach up through his chest to the rest of his body. He couldn’t describe how good it felt to feel Daichi on his exposed skin. 

“Daichi…” He whispered so softly. 

Daichi glanced back up at him in response, but his hands still remained holding his waist. “Hm?” He whispered back. 

Sugawara took another deep breath, he had to make sure his voice wasn’t too weak from the deep warmth he felt from Daichi. “There’s more…” His voice was so quiet; it would have been inaudible if not for their closeness. 

Daichi’s eyes widened a bit from the statement, he hadn’t thought there would be more to show than this. “You have more?” He asked hesitantly. He prayed to all the gods he didn’t believe in that Sugawara would deny, but his heart fell when he received a small nod. 

Sugawara wrapped his long fingers around Daichi’s wrists, and pulled his hands away. Then he slowly turned on the spot, showing Daichi his back. He heard the small gasp he got in reaction. 

Daichi was getting used to the idea of burns… but this… 

He stared at the man’s upper back. There were scars _everywhere_. And they weren’t just marks, they deformed his original skin. There were bumps, and crevices, and stars of explosion of colour, mixed with the third dimension. 

There was a large seven pointed star shaped rise, each point longer or shorter than another. It extended from his upper left shoulder down to his lower-upper back. It was spotty with darker and lighter reds, and had its own crevices and rises. There were other less significant but just as painful looking rises and indents scattered over his skin. The bumps faded into simpler red marks as they went lower onto his back. 

It looked so horrifyingly painful, too painful for the gorgeous angel they laid upon. Daichi almost cried just looking at them. He sniffled back the tears for now though, he needed to be strong for this. 

“This looks horrible… it’s so terrible, I understand why you were so hesitant about this, Suga I’m so sorry if I pressured you to this, I understand now, I’m so sorry…” He couldn’t imagine just how hard it must have been for Sugawara to show him. Hell, if it was Daichi in his situation, he wasn’t sure he’d be strong enough the even open that top button. 

“Daichi… you haven’t touched me yet; do you have any idea how much these scars hurt me? Why aren’t you making them feel better?” He couldn’t get enough of Daichi’s hands, he needed to feel them again, his body was begging for it. Daichi was so close, so damn close, he could feel it, and then he felt those _hands_ again. 

_God… the way he touches me… I need more of him… so much more…_

He was praying Daichi wouldn’t leave after ‘story time,’ he needed to feel more from him. 

Daichi lightly moved his rougher palms over the uneven skin on Sugawara’s back, wishing to the lord that he could have been there when these were fresh, so he could kiss all the pain away, so he could have protected Sugawara before this pain even thought about creeping up into his life. 

He caressed his skin so delicately, as if he were a spirit that could vanish the moment he was touched. His shorter fingers slid over each and every bump, each and every indent and crevice, as if he could just _feel_ how bad they were freshly burnt. He wanted to feel them and imagine himself touching the burning flesh, imagine his own hands healing those stupid, troublesome, painful, _stupid_ scars. 

“I’m so sorry…” He couldn’t help but whisper to Sugawara’s back. 

Sugawara had to catch his breath for a moment. He was enjoying Daichi’s touch too much when he heard that deep voice come to life with an apology he hadn’t deemed necessary. “What are you apologizing for?” He asked quietly, looking down at the floor from his complete incapability at raising his neck since Daichi’s hands were _right there_. 

“For whatever crap you had to go through in the past…” Daichi wrapped his arms around Sugawara’s waist, clasping them at the soft front of his stomach. He pressed his clothed chest to Sugawara’s bare back, feeling him as much as possible through the two layers he wore. He rested his chin on Sugawara’s left shoulder, over the larger more prominent scar, and tilted his head so he could press his lips tenderly to the skin at his neck. 

Sugawara lost the words he was about to say, because _God_ Daichi felt so good. The kiss to his neck melted every word he wanted to say as his mind clouded over from Daichi’s proximity and touch and _kiss_. 

Recollecting himself as much as possible in that moment, and it wasn’t a lot, his voice sounded in Daichi’s ears once again. “Don’t apologize for something that happened when you were eleven… you couldn’t help it…” 

Daichi then removed his resting lips from Sugawara’s -apparently limited- smooth flesh to voice his thought. “These happened when you were seventeen?” He mumbled. 

He felt Sugawara nod. “Yea, most of it. I promise I’ll start talking in a minute…” He exhaled shakily, wanting to keep the moment. “But just, keep touching me for now… please…” 

Daichi nodded as well before whispering in that deep husky voice again. “Are there any more… any more places you want me to make feel better?” Yet again, he prayed Sugawara denied, but yet again was he wrong. Sugawara turned around in his arms, and he loosened his grip and moved back a tiny bit, so they could look at each other. 

His voice was soft and hesitant when he spoke again. “Yea… there’s one more…” He found the courage to meet Daichi’s curious and worrisome gaze. Seeing the intensity, he closed his honey orbs instead, and felt Daichi move forward, nuzzling himself in the crook of his shoulder. 

“Where is it, love?” Daichi’s mumbled, his soft breath tickling Sugawara in the sweetest way possible. He pulled away a bit and looked over Sugawara’s body once again, searching for that last scar. 

He looked up at Sugawara’s face in confusion when he found no new marks. He found Sugawara looking down, one loose fist was resting on his thigh, and… _oh_ … 

“It’s… Can I…” He didn’t need to finish the question, Sugawara already nodded, giving him permission. 

He slowly trailed his nose down his chest and stomach, pulling away when he reached the hem of his dark grey sweatpants. Sitting up on his knees, he brought his hands up to the hem of the already somewhat loose clothing. 

Sugawara found it hard, not to imagine something else. Not to imagine Daichi undressing him in a different way. Not to imagine, that had things happened differently, Daichi could be doing this to him on a bed. Had this been a different context, Daichi would be undressing him in the bedroom, so they could do less than innocent things together. But that wasn’t the case right now, Daichi was undressing him so he could reveal his painful scars, there was nothing dirty or fun about it. 

He felt the thin and soft pants roll down his thighs and knees until they pooled around his ankles, exposing his, in Daichi’s opinion, _gorgeously_ thin and long legs, his soft and plump, kissable looking thighs. What he didn’t see yet was this last scar. Nonetheless, he smoothed his large hands over those kissable thighs, from the front over to the back, down over to the back of his knees and up again. He was careful not to let his fingers accidentally graze under the line of his boxer shorts, he had no intent to make Sugawara uncomfortable. Little did he know… 

Sugawara could barely breathe, feeling those damn _hands_ on his legs… curse his hands. He never thought… after that first sign of a break-up over a month ago, at that festival… not once would he have thought he’d get the chance to feel Daichi’s hands on his bare chest, bare legs even. And _God_ what a treat it was. He could have never imagined getting almost completely bare in front of another person. Now that he finally did, now that he was almost fully bare in front of Daichi, someone he’d only met just under four months ago… 

The fact that Daichi was so loving, so accepting, so caring with the situations, it showed him just how much he loved him, how much he trusted him. He no longer had such strong insecurity to Daichi seeing him in his true, flawed body. 

Daichi rested his hands over Sugawara’s clothed hips, fingers just barely grazing the sides of his ass and… 

_Oh my God just do me or stop touching_

Daichi looked up from his position and found Sugawara eyes. “Suga, where is it?” 

Instead of responding with words, Sugawara simply moved a hand down to his right thigh. He slid it higher and higher and let his thumb slide the right leg of the briefs up, revealing the foul mark. 

Daichi’s breath caught in his throat for the millionth time that night. He stared wordlessly, this one… it looked reasonably ‘uglier’ than the others. Technically speaking, it was a dirtier cut, not a burn, it was a slash, one that needed stitches, and proper medical attention, but didn’t receive as required, so it healed strangely, leaving abnormal bumps and indents, deforming that patch of skin. It was an irregular, uneven shape, sitting in that spot just where his thigh met his hipbone. 

He lightly moved a thumb over it, slowly adding a tiny bit more pressure with it before letting the rest of his hand rest upon it, moving back and forth. 

“Can you feel my fingers on the scar?” He asked quietly. He was sure the nerves there had been damaged significantly, if not beyond repair, the same going for the ones on his back. 

Sugawara couldn’t answer immediately. Daichi… he was touching him so damn _close_ to… well, you know. It didn’t help that Daichi was right, the nerves on the skin of the scar were damaged, but the nerves around it were extra sensitive to compensate for that, so he felt even more electrified, the nerves were especially stimulated right where Daichi kept moving his fingers over and he was so _pleasured_ by the motion and so lost in the clouds that he almost didn’t hear his question. 

Finally, he straightened his weak knees and caught his wavering breath. “Not really _on_ the scar, not at all actually, but… I can feel you… around it…” For some reason, he was a bit embarrassed to admit so aloud and his voice became a bit quieter near the end of the phrase. 

“Tell me if you feel this…” And Sugawara swore he could have stopped breathing from that moment on, because Daichi just _kissed_ it… 

In a single swift movement, he moved forward and tenderly pressed his lips right over the scar. Perhaps, as he stated, he couldn’t feel the lips on the scar that well, but he sure as hell was extra sensitive to the warm breath, or the soft press of his cheeks around the area. 

The most amazing, and fascinating part about the kiss was, Daichi wasn’t even trying to be sexual, and Sugawara didn’t really feel the need to be aroused in that moment. He just felt loved. 

After years of feeling as he did, after all that grief, somehow, in some way, the universe decided to give him Daichi, someone who loved him wholeheartedly, with no lies or cheats. Just complete love, and it took his breath away to the point where he felt weightless. 

Daichi left his lips to linger there for a long moment, then, despite not wanting to, he moved away a bit. 

Eyes half-lidded as he moved, he slid his hands down Sugawara’s long, enchanting legs down to find the hem of his sweatpants. Once done, he slid the cloth back into place as he stood up, but he didn’t stop there. 

He left more kisses, _everywhere_. He left a peck just left of his belly-button, on a red burn spot. He left another line of slow kisses on the faded surgery mark. He moved a bit higher -also making sure he picked up the fallen pajama shirt- and rested his lips on a pinkish spot just over where his heart would rest for a long moment. 

Then he slowly turned him around in his arms and proceeded on his back. He peppered sweet kisses all over the uneven skin, letting his lips linger especially long on the much larger scar on his left blade. 

The entire time Daichi kissed him, Sugawara essentially lost it. He squeezed his eyes shut, and grasped at Daichi’s arms in front of him. His short nails dug into Daichi’s skin with no real bite, he just needed some method to cope with whatever was bubbling in his chest. Daichi just kept pampering his body with kisses and his heart could not deal with the sheer amount of love he was getting in that hour, or not even. His heart swelled so much that it actually ached in his chest. His entire body became hot and this _feeling_ spread through him so pleasurably. It butterflied from his chest throughout his entire body, it rumbled in a quiet yet pleasing form, that pleasure ran up his neck, down his arms and into his stomach, filling his entire body with energy and causing his hands to tremble. He was breathless. 

He felt so good, so loved, he felt something he’d never felt before in his entire life. Never had he felt such strong love for someone, not this kind of love, never had he had someone that loved him so much, that they would do what Daichi was doing, never had the love been reciprocated, never had his love been so strong that he felt like this when being kissed. 

He felt as Daichi’s lips lay a fortunate moment too long on his neck, indicating it as the last kiss for now [ _for now_ ]. Finally, he pulled away, and let Sugawara turn around to face him. 

_That felt so good… so amazing… I want him to kiss me again, kiss me all over, not just the scars, all over my neck and chest and legs… ah why did he have to do that to me right now… my entire body is all warm and fuzzy right now and I can’t think… that was too sweet of him really_

When he met Sugawara’s wonderful eyes, he ruffled out the pajama top behind his back before threading his long arms through the sleeves and letting it sit on his shoulders, unbuttoned so he was still partially exposed. 

_I mean it’s not like leaving it unbuttoned will make me feel cold… if anything I need to cool down, my body is too warm and cozy after that… and he can still look at my chest, like I’m sure he wants to for some reason_

“Do you have any idea…” Daichi began, whispering so quietly, Sugawara almost didn’t hear him over the thunder that just boomed outside their window. Though he was curious to what Daichi’s words were. 

“Daichi… I didn’t catch that…” He murmured back. Daichi moved a hand from Sugawara’s shoulder to his jaw, thumb running over his soft cheek. 

There was a little sweet smile present on his lips as he repeated it. “Do you have any idea, just how deeply in love I am with you?” 

Sugawara bit back a grin and looked down bashfully. Hearing Daichi say that, even after he revealed all his hideous scars… it meant so _much_ to him. So much more than Daichi would ever know. His heart swelled and he felt it ache pleasurably, his own love for Daichi just grew a hundred times more every time Daichi did something like that, or said something as such. 

_How on earth does he still love me after that? I couldn’t imagine him loving me with a body like this… he can still say something like that after seeing me like this… he’s just going to make me fall deeper and deeper in love with him, isn’t he?_

“So… first you touch me all over… then you undress me… then you kiss me all over… and now you, you’re still in love with me… I have no idea how your mind works Daichi, but keep up the pampering, I’m really liking it.” He half-joked, half-meant. If he could get constant pampering from Daichi… [don’t imagine the kinks, _don’t_ ] 

“Oh trust me, I will spoil you rotten for the rest of your life, you get no way out…” 

After a moment or two of conversational banter and little laughs, the two lovers finally sat facing each other on the sofa. 

On the inside, Sugawara was freaking out, not sugar-coating in the slightest. He never had to tell another soul anything about his life, and suddenly he had to talk about his past, and his emotions, and he had someone who loved him and someone who might help him if he was still loved after the so called ‘story time.’ He never had that before. 

Somewhere deep, deep down in his heart, he knew Daichi would love him unconditionally. He just thought it too conceited to think so, openly. 

Daichi had to prepare too. He had no idea what kind of awful tales Sugawara would recount that matched the ferocity of the scars he just laid his eyes upon. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear them, it would just be a world of pain for his love to talk about, and he really wasn’t too sure about hearing all the bad things that happened that made Sugawara look and feel the way he did. 

Nonetheless, he prepared for it, he was going to memorize every word if Sugawara wanted him too, since he was finally ready to tell him about it. 

“Ok so… where do we start?” 

“I want to start at the beginning, the first scar.” They spoke in hushed voices, but it was no longer lovely whispers like when Sugawara was being undressed. It was more like… lovely serenity. 

“The first one is the surgery, isn’t it?” Daichi guessed. 

Sugawara wore somewhat of a proud little smile then. “Smart boy…” He chuckled a bit. 

‘Good, he can still laugh through this,’ Daichi thought with a smile of his own. 

“This first one, the line down my chest from the surgery, happened when I was four. It’s called a sub--sternal thyroid… 

_“Sugawara-san?” The doctor called to Sugawara’s mother._

_“Yes, sensei, is he alright?” She asked, extremely nervous and worried out of her mind for her young boy, but she remained with her composure, she had to._

_“For now yes, surgery will take place tomorrow evening, I suggest you see him before then, but it is too late right now, it’s best he rests.” He explained formally to her._

_“That’s good news, but if you don’t mind, can you tell me what the main problem is here?” She asked politely to the male surgeon._

_“It’s called a Sub-Sternal Thyroid. It’s rare in itself, and not very common among children as young as Koushi. This was very unfortunate for your family, I’m very sorry you have to go through this.”_

_“Thank you, sensei.”_

_“I will explain as simply as I can. In the back of our neck lies the thyroid gland. You see, normally this gland will grow around the trachea, upward, wrapping itself around. Now in these cases, the thyroid grew downward around the trachea, into the chest, compromising lung and esophagus space.”_

_He paused a moment, and pulled an x-ray out of the envelope in his hand. He bent downward and ushered Sugawara-san to look._

_“If you see here, the thyroid has grown into the chest below the sternum. Our trachea should lie in the middle of our chest, down here, but Koushi’s has been displaced into the right side of his chest, the thyroid goiter expanded into this area, which would normally be taken up by the right lung. In the simplest of terms, his trachea and lungs are being crushed in a sense.”_

_Sugawara-san absorbed every word the sensei said to repeat to her husband later. She was even more worried now, understanding the dangers of the situation more, but still she remained calm._

_“Sugawara-san,” He started, proceeding when she looked up. “You said Koushi has had trouble eating, that he had that feeling that something was caught in his throat…” He repeated, reading off the clipboard._

_She nodded once again. “Yes, he had frequently told me and my husband so, a lot of the time, he didn’t want to eat any meats or thicker foods since he said it hurt, or got caught.” She explained further._

_“That’s right. Has he ever had any trouble sleeping in a certain position? Perhaps any frequent coughing?” He questioned._

_“Yes, several times, he would come to me crying that he couldn’t sleep because his chest was feeling funny… this is all relevant to the condition?”_

_The doctor only smiled, understanding the womans’ justified ignorance. “These are all symptoms of the condition, common ones. I wish you guys came to us for a checkup more often within the last year. This hospital would have caught it right away, I’m sure the past year has been hard on you three.”_

_“Trust me sensei, from now on I will, I wish I could put a curse on the other one…”_

_Before she left the building for the night, she walked into her baby’s room for a moment. He looked a bit pale, but much healthier than 3 hours ago._

_He was brought to the hospital then. It was around one am when Maeno Sugawara was woken up from the sound of her boy coughing hysterically, wheezing for breath from the smaller room just next to her and her husbands, who wasn’t home at the moment due to a mother issue._

_She ran in to see Koushi doubled over on the floor, coughing his lungs out and choking on his own breath. She raced over and sat him up straight, rubbing his back, patting his head, tapping his chest, anything to relieve whatever sat in his throat. It took him a full minute to calm down even a little bit, taking little sips of water from the little blue cup on his nightstand._

_“Koushi, what happened!” She demanded, worry and concern etched into her smooth features._

_“Mama I don’t know! It hurts!” He began to cry like the little child he was then, he was so confused, one minute he was lying on his back, woken from a sweet dream, the next he was coughing and tripping over his own sheets down to the floor._

_“What are you feeling Koushi.” She asked again, a tad calmer now. She sat up straighter and hooked her arm under the child’s knees, curling him up in her lap. Using her extra hand, she pushed her silver hair away from her face, strands of it sticking to the nervous sweat she had running._

_“Mama… I couldn’t breathe… I don’t what happened, it’s hurts in my chest, right here…” He put a small pale fist right in the center of his chest. “Right there Mama, it’s like someone squeezed my heart y’know?” Tears began to flow down the confused and pained child’s cheeks. “I don’t like it Mama, it hurts Mama…” His softer cries turned into wails, which were littered with coughs. Some of the coughing seeming more dangerous than conventional, she needed to call 119._

_Gathering her strength in her thin arms, she hooked her hands under Koushi’s underarms and pulled him over her chest, letting his head nuzzle into her neck. She could feel the wetness of her beloved baby’s tears on her neck, and the warm breath that accompanied his now less frequent coughing. It worried her more that she could feel his little heart pulsing rapidly against her own chest._

_“Koushi…” She whispered into his ear._

_“Yea Mama?” He murmured back._

_“Mama’s gonna start walking now, so hang on tight with those big boy arms okay?” She told him, and feeling his short arms hook around her neck and legs wrap around her waist with a little nod was her cue to move._

_Hauling the decently heavy boy and her own tired self to the living room, she sat them both down on the couch and picked up a landline, calling for an ambulance as well as explaining the issue, giving the necessary information when they asked._

_Finally, she put the phone down. “Kou, baby? Are you still awake?” She asked quietly, not wanting to disturb him if he was._

_“Yea Mama… I’m still awake, just a lil tired though, who was on the phone Mama?” He asked in his little high pitched voice._

_“The doctors are coming to take care of you baby, they’re so much smarter than Mama huh…” She tried to joke in attempt to lighten the mood, maybe calm herself._

_Koushi looked up at her then, big, doey honey eyes looking into her dark brown ones. “Nuh-uhh. Mama’s the smartest person ever. No one else knows all my favourite food, or my friends’ names, or my cartoons, and no one makes Papa smile like Mama… Mama’s the best…”_

_“Don’t be so sweet with me Koushi I’m the mom, I’m the sweet one.” She told him with a pointed finger in mock seriousness. Koushi giggled a bit in response, heightening Maeno’s mood. “Yup!”_

_Kissing the sleeping boy on the forehead, she watched his steady heart monitor for a moment before beginning her return home._

*** 

_“Oi Kaede! Are you here?!” She called, running back into her all too familiar home._

_“Living room, Maeno!” Her husband called back. She rushed in seeing him stand just as she collapsed into a hug._

_“God the timing, I’m so sorry I took you away from Sugawara-san.” She breathed into his chest._

_“Maeno, you know my mom keeps telling you to call her Kou.” He told back, wrapping his arms around the shorter woman._

_“Maybe next time on the phone.” She waved off. “Did Shigeru-sensei call you or do I have to tell you what’s happened to Koushi?” She inquired._

_“No, sensei called, it’s okay, I had no idea it was this bad though. How did he look? Was he okay?” The worried look on his face in no way emphasized just how truly concerned that father was for his boy that night._

_“He seems okay, it’s not a death situation though, God forbid, which is amazing. That just lifts a thousand pounds of our shoulders, Koushi’s a strong boy, he will be okay, I can feel it.” She was a proud mother for sure._

_She took this brief moment of peace they had to curl up to her husband on the couch. “Kaede… how’s Kou…” She mumbled into his chest. She didn’t even have to look up to know that the conversation they were headed towards was already bringing tears to his eyes._

_“Maeno, I want to go with her, I want to be with my mom, for however long she has left, but how can I leave you? And Koushi, especially like this?” He wrapped his arms around the woman he loved, those familiar shoulders resting on his chest for what felt like the billionth time, in the best way possible._

_“You won’t be leaving me; this is no divorce. This is something different. Kaede, you only just met Kou three years ago, you’ve never had a mother until now, your father left when you were seventeen, and now you find out that this sweet, beautiful woman who is your mother only has a couple years left. I told you, Koushi is a strong boy, he will forgive you, and I forgive you, we both love you so much, you deserve to be with your mother.” Tears picked at her eyes as well, but they’ve talked about this, he should go with his mom, all he ever wanted was to meet his mom, just meet her, and he did, he finally did, and she was about to leave him again without making any memories. No. Maeno wouldn’t stand for that, even if it made her sad that he had to leave for years, she didn’t care, he would be happy with her, for a couple years, he could be happy with his mother._

*** 

_“Papa…Mama?” Koushi rubbed his tired eyes awake around noon, clearing his vision more when he realized his parents were sitting beside his bed._

_“Hey baby, how’s my big boy holding up?” Kaede asked, holding his tiny little hands in his own larger ones._

_“Papa! I didn’t know you were coming back already! Mama said…” Then he paused, pulling his hands out of his father’s and counting on his short fingers, little murmurs of numbers and days escaping his lips. “One… two… three… Wednesday, Thursday, Friday… Mama said Friday!” He recounted happily, the tube connected to his arm and his current surroundings seemingly having no effect on him._

_“I came back early Koushi… just for you… how are you feeling?” He asked again, a proud smile that his son already counted the days in a matter of seconds._

_“Mama see?! Papa came back just for me…” He repeated giggling. “I’m feeling good now Papa, the doctors took real good care of me yesterday, just like Mama said they would!” He bounced happily in his seat at the memory, even though he wasn’t feeling too well then or now._

_“Does your chest still feel funny right there Koushi?” Maeno piped in, pointing at the center of his chest like he did the previous day._

_To her and Kaede’s relief, he shook his head. “No, the nice lady over there gave me some blue stuff and it feels kinda nice right now.” He said, pointing to a nurse outside the open door. “But she was talking about all this cool stuff too!” He claimed excitedly._

_“What kinda cool stuff?” She asked in return._

_“She said that later, when I’m sleeping, the old dude over there is gonna make a little cut right here, and get rid of the stuff that’s making my chest feel funny! And she was using all these big words too! It’s so cool, I said I wanted to watch but she said they were gonna do the thing to me so I can’t really watch it huh…” He half-yelled in excitement._

_Maeno and Kaede glanced at each other with this look… A mixture of horrified that a nurse told this child all that, but also really amused that Koushi found it entertaining and ‘cool’ instead of gross and creepy like most children. They couldn’t help but snicker a little along with the giggling Koushi._

*** 

_If he wanted to make it in time for the flight, he had to run, now._

_He and Maeno stood outside the door, watching as the nurses wheeled Koushi over to OR 6, they were unbelievable proud that their little four-year-old boy was laughing, a big smile on his face as he waved bye to his Papa and Mama, off to surgery, a concept he knew almost nothing about._

_Then he and Maeno stood at the front of the hospital, on the verge of tears._

_“Maeno, let me stay, I’d feel terrible if I left right now…” He pleaded._

_“No! I know you Kaede, I know your little antics, if you don’t go right now, you’ll miss your chance, you’ll never go with her. Kaede… you go, you go with Kou and you give her the world like you did for me, for Koushi. Then you call when you land…” She had to pause to gulp down the lump in her throat. She squeezed his hands, turning hers and his white in the process._

_“You call when you land, you call on Koushi’s birthday, you call when you’re ready to come back to us, to me. Don’t worry about Koushi. I will not let… our boy will not grow up to neglect you for this… I promise, you spend as many years as you need with Kou, Koushi and I are here, okay?”_

_**Two weeks after Koushi’s surgery**_

_“Koushi! You want some more soup I got a little extra for you!” She called from the kitchen._

_“Sure Mama! But don’t bring that cover thingy if it’s hot! It burns my tongue!” He warned in his squeaky little voice._

_She brought the little ceramic bowl over -without the cover- and put it on the table for Koushi when it cooled down a bit. She plopped her worked body on the old red couch, letting the child situate himself on her lap._

_She sighed before speaking. “Do you miss Papa, too?”_

_She heard Koushi click his tongue before answering, he just learned how to do that properly and loved it. “Yea, I miss his big hugs before bed… and you know how he does that spinny thing! Yea that’s so fun, I can’t wait for…” Then he counted on his fingers again. “Two… four… six… eight… nine… ‘til December… I can’t wait for nine weeks to pass so he can give me the big hugs and spinny things again!” He cheered, turning around in her lap. She laughed at his adorable giddiness._

_“You really aren’t angry at Papa?” She asked, she had no idea that that would have been Koushi’s answer, he was so okay with all the mess in his life, in fascinated her just how strong this boy would become when he grew up._

_“Nope! He just wants to spend time with his Mama, right? I get it, I love spending time with my Mama too! It’s the same thing! Papa can be with Kou-baa-san since he wants to, I love her too!”_

_Never did Koushi cease to amaze her. What a wonder he was._

_“How does your chest feel baby?” She asked, it was a regular question, just to make sure he was still up to par. Koushi jumped down to the floor excitedly now._

_“Oh! It’s really good now, I can eat all your yummy fish now and it doesn’t even feel funny in my throat!” He said, grinning up at her. She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees to watch him, a large smile resting on her lips as she watched her happy boy._

_“I even have this battle scar now!” He whispered yelled, pulling up his too-big shirt for a second. He even went so far as to hold a battle stance, invisible sword in hand and everything. “I can tell everyone at school I got it by protecting Mama from the evil mountain…” He finished telling his tale, the evil mountain referencing one of his books. Now he ran around the room waving around his fake sword playfully._

_At some point, Maeno joined in, chasing him for a moment before catching him and lifting him as high as she could and doing the ‘spinny thing’ in place of her husband, even if she couldn’t do it as well as he, before they both collapsed onto the couch in a fit of tired and happy giggles._

“Seriously, that spinny thing was my life from ages four to six I promise, I have no idea why… if someone tried to do that to me now I’d punch them.” He said, laughing at his younger self. 

At some point during his story, they curled up together. Sugawara had his head resting on the front of Daichi’s shoulder, the majority of his back melded with Daichi’s chest. Daichi had one arm hooked around him, hugging him from one shoulder and gripping the other, Sugawara resting a hand on his arm as well. Daichi’s other hand found itself carelessly running up down his bare stomach, stupidly playing with the little healthy fat that folded over as he sat slouched. 

“All that happened when you were four…” Daichi didn’t really have anything else to say. He was speechless, to say the least. To think that, at such a young age, some children were crying about being without their parents at school, Sugawara was _excited_ about his surgery, having previously suffered the symptoms of his condition for a year, and that same night his father having to leave, his father who had his own fair share of parental love. At such a young age, Sugawara, who was bragging about a battle scar he got saving his mom, when most children where whining about their food. Who could already count the days or weeks on his fingers, and had favourite books… 

“Yea… mom always told me the surgeons called me too strong, how I was amazing in the OR, made such a quick recovery and all that… I don’t really see it though, the doctors did their job right, so I lived, that’s how it is right?” He claimed softly, looking up into Daichi’s dark orbs. 

“Doctors were definitely a big part of it… but you’re really strong Suga, not everyone can bounce back the way you seemed to… you seemed so perfect, even back then…” 

“Don’t fawn over me too much Daichi, you were probably only an idea swimming in your parents’ minds’ when I was getting my trachea re-placed.” He said, laughing at his own stupid joke. Daichi couldn’t help but crack a chuckle, it was true though, from what he knew, his parents were probably still trying to buy a house. 

“This age difference only makes our relationship more fun for you, doesn’t it?” Daichi already knew Sugawara had a smirk on. 

“Oh definitely, I have so many teasing opportunities…” He looked up again, a mischievous glint hinting in his eyes to match up with that shit-eating smirk. 

“Hey… Suga, I had a question.” Daichi murmured into his ear. Sugawara moved in his arms, removing his grasp so he could face him better. 

“What is it?” He inquired, hoping he had the answer to whatever combination of words he would hear. 

“Your dad left, so, did he ever come back? Why isn’t… why isn’t he still in your life?” Daichi’s voice trailed off at the end, if there was some bigger reason than ‘I’m mad at him,’ then he didn’t want to seem insensitive. 

Sugawara’s eyes dropped a bit. “Oh… yea… I forgot… He uhm, he visited a lot at first, as I got older and got more used to the idea, I started telling him to stay longer and longer. He would visit once every three months or so by the time I was fifteen. His mom died after this one visit, so he stayed a while longer there before coming back, he just… he just didn’t know she was the only mom who died… and then he just… yea…” His voice cracked at the end, choking on his words, he almost didn’t get them out. 

Daichi leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his mid-back in a comforting gesture. He felt Sugawara’s arms snake around his shoulders as well. Sugawara nuzzled himself into Daichi’s neck as he spoke. “I didn’t realize…” 

The small movements his lips made as he spoke tickled the smooth skin at Daichi’s neck. “Just hold me… I’m fine okay, just hold me for a minute, then I’ll keep going.” He felt Daichi nod, and his hold tightened around Sugawara’s thinner figure. 

They stayed like that for a minute, Sugawara taking in some of the strength Daichi possessed. He felt that stability that came from being with him. He felt a bit more at peace with him there. Then he closed his eyes, and just listened. He heard the timely, steady breathing from the man he held, he heard the now heavy yet steady pour of the water outside. The constant stability that came from them both calmed him down, steadying his quicker heartbeat down to normal, listening to Daichi’s breath and matching his own to go in time. Finally, with one last squeeze, he found it in himself to pull away. 

He glanced up, looking at the digital clock. It was only approaching eleven just now, but it seemed so much longer than that… he still had two more stories nonetheless, he’d see how the time faired then. 

He adjusted himself in Daichi’s arms, kicking his feet up on the sofa, he turned and lay his head on Daichi’s shoulder, who adjusted himself to make Sugawara more comfortable, and wrapped an arm around him, the other hand resting at his thigh… the thigh with the scar he could feel if he paid attention. 

“Are you okay to keep going?” Daichi asked, the concern evident even if he couldn’t see his face. 

“I am, I’m not strong enough to go through it again, but I know I’m strong enough to tell you the stories.” There was a bit of resolve in his voice that time, he knew he could get through this, no matter how painful the next two scars were, both physically and mentally. 

Daichi squeezed his side reassuringly, just a small gesture to let him know, ‘ _I’m here_.’ 

“Okay. So you ready for the burn one?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... uhm... that happened.
> 
> Yea, it was really feely huh, well, you haven't felt the worst of it yet. I mean, Suga's past is really tragic and I just HAD to make it that bad didn't I omg fuck me jasfswewio.
> 
> Well yea, I don't even know what to say this time around cause this chapter is the beginning of his heartbreaking story and I can only hope you'll prepare for the next chapter, cause chapter 14 is where it gets better. 
> 
> But---yea- enough of me. 
> 
> Hope you all... well I won't say enjoyed cause there really isn't much joyful here but... hope you liked it! 
> 
> [ps I'm working on drawing Suga with all his scars and everything so I'll post that at the top within the next couple of chapters, fanart is appreciated if you want!]
> 
> See you bitches next time. 
> 
>  
> 
> -Sam


End file.
